User:Jmcboy1275

Jacob Christensen (born Jacobus Maximus Chritensenial) is a mythological beast from ancient viking folklore. The vikings believed that he had mysterious love, killing, hunger, and growth powers, but most modern historians believe that he just had love powers.

Birth: Jacob was born to a centaur and a mermaid in 2145 in the small town of Dickenmihass. It is said that by the sounded he made while coming out of his mom's taco, which sound like frogs humping, he could have woken sleeping beauty.

Jacob seen here with a bullwhip in his left hand and a Jew in his right.

Early life: From age -26, he was raised as a vegetarian(he believed in the humane treatment of vegetables). However, this did not last long, because at the age of -2 he stubbed his knee on a carrot. In his anger he threw it over the ocean and it ended up hitting Joseph Stalin on the dong; starting the cold war. As life went on, he learned very fast. At age 3 he could already speak 243245342 different languages fluently; including portugese, latin, beaver, agricultural, and spanglish. Jacob was also very gifted physically. By 9, he could throw a bean bag at 87.265374 mph and jump the english channel without a running start. His life, however, was about to change.

Latter life: At the tender age of 345.7 eons, Jacob was skipping in a cow pastured filled with buffalo and wild honey, when to his surprise he tripped and fell in a cow patty (shit). Jacob was confused, bewildered , and sickened. He took ill and became nocturnal(he could not feel his penis). The viking love god, Clint Eastwood, then touched Jacob on the teat with his .44 magnum and made him immortal.

The myth: The vikings used to worship Jacob for his powers of love(he had 9 penises and could satisfy 12 women simultaneously). They would pray to him for help with infertility and dating issues. He would also help with the hungry; starting a chain of food kitchens called Lick My Balls. Some believe he had other powers, but that is to be debated.