User:Iflwlou/Muff diving
“Muff Diving should be in the olympics”
Muff diving is only attempted by the bravest of Eskimos. Earmuffs are necessary to their survival, and though there's an ample supply of ears, muffs can only be found on the floor of the frigid sea.
The Muff Diving Tradition[edit | edit source]
Muff diving is a culturally important activity among nearly all Eskimo tribes. The ritualization of the act, however, varies significantly from tribe to tribe. The most commonly celebrated cultural context of muff diving is the coming of age ceremony for young Eskimo men (and women who are so inclined). Because the diving ceremony is of extreme cultural and religious significance, the diver generally performs the feat alone, unobserved by other Eskimos. Because of the dangerous nature of the act, however, village elders and more experienced divers often wait nearby, prepared to save the prospective muff diver from suffocation should he not succeed in the allotted time. Little research has been done as to what actually occurs under the surface during a muff diving session, as the anthropologists studying the activity are rarely in any condition to undertake the dangerous ordeal themselves, and are forbidden to observe it. The details of the ceremony following the muff dive, though, have been well studied and documented, and the detailed procedures of many tribes are known to a great degree of accuracy. The diver emerges, typically wet and shaking, and is lead by the elders into a large igloo, where he presents his muff to a chosen female with a highly ritualized speech and gesticulation unique to each tribe. The diver is then positioned in front of the fire and covered with blankets so that he may thaw while his chosen female crafts for him his first pair of Earmuffs. She then presents them to the diver, who dons them and, as his first act as a man, performs cunnilingus on her.
Contemporary Muff Diving Organisations[edit | edit source]
Modern Muff Diving organisations mostly base their practices on the Eskimo tribes, as well as other Muff Diving peoples from the Arctic regions. This has essentially led to a mixture of traditional arctic Muff Diving techniqes. Other muff diving organisations have started to include techniques from around the world, so that in any given organisation, there may be individuals who have effectively muff dived in China, South America, Russia and Hillary Clinton. Notable pioneering commercial muff diving organisation S.M.E.L, base their operations out of a blimp that enables so called 'muff diving tourists' to muff dive from the blimp itself. The blimp can attain very high altitudes, and with the correct attatchments allows for the highly risky 'extreme muff diving'.
Muffology[edit | edit source]
Muffology is the study of those who practice muff diving. Usually, the muffologist will sport a British accent, carry a large magnifying glass and have a socially alienating speech impedement- almost always a lisp. This field of study is essentially as old as muff diving itself, and as a result one can find literature on the subject with the greatest of ease. A large portion of muffology texts are published in Braille. According to that chick from Deepthroat, most readers undergo Elective Eye Removal Surgery and a two-year Braille course. It is documented in some historical text found on a park bench that the entire island population of Australia underwent E.E.R.S and learnt Braille, ‘Just in case we ever get a subscription to National Muffologist.’