User:Hyperbole/London Bridge

London Bridge is a bridge over the river Thames in London, England. It is also the hardest topic known to man to talk about without drifting onto totally irrelevant tangents.

Originally built by Romans over 2,000 years ago, London Bridge is notable for the fact that children have been claiming that it is in a dire state of disrepair for centuries, despite regular reports by engineers deeming it structurally sound. Man, all this talking about London Bridge is making me thirsty. Actually, you know what I want to do? Go play some laser tag. Yeah, that would be fun. Wait, no! I know - I'll go clubbing!

Let's go clubbing!

Okay, so I'm going to go down to the club. The thing is, I'm going to need you to step aside. See, the door isn't all that wide, so if you don't get out of my way, I'm likely to bump into you. And to prevent that, I'm just going to walk into the club wildly flailing my arms. If I should happen to smack you in the face, you've got only yourself to blame. What do you mean, "why?" It's because I've got to shine, bitch. And shoving you out of the way is how I do that. Unless you want a "shiner" of your own.

Then, once I'm in there, all my girls are going to get down on the floor. No, not my daughters. How old do you think I am? I mean, you know, all my girlfriends. I have a lot of girlfriends. And their preferred form of entertainment is to go to a club and lie down on the floor. So while they're all lying there on the floor, I'm going to take the opportunity to love you long time.

That's right: I'm going to love you for a very long time. You'll be thinking "Jesus Christ, how long am I gonna get loved here?" And just when you think I can't possibly love you any longer, I will continue to love you. I'm not gonna lie to you: it will be excruciatingly boring. But that's just the way I roll. First I make you get the fuck out of my way, and then I love you for an excessively long period of time. Oh, and also, I intend to dance in a manner that identifies me as a prostitute. So at least that'll give you something to watch while I'm loving you for far, far longer than is appropriate or necessary.

Oh, wait. Where was I?

Sorry. So anyway, in 1136 A.D., London Bridge was destroyed by fire. It took four decades before construction on a replacement bridge began. The replacement bridge was to be made out of stone. Wow, I'm still thirsty. Where the hell is my Tab?

Actually, you know what would really hit the spot? Vodka. Yeah, I was thinking vodka might loosen me up a little. Fortunately, I happen to have a bottle of Popov right here. Who says vodka has to cost more than Gatorade? Ah.. yeah.. wow, that's the stuff. Whew.

Damn. Now my shoes feel uncomfortable. I should have remembered that every time I drink, I just get a burning impulse to take off my shoes. There's something about the floors of dance clubs that just feel really good on my feet. It's like they just grab on to your soles and don't want to let go. It's like being held in the warm, sticky embrace of a warm, sticky lover. Wow, yeah, I'm definitely taking off my shoes. Maybe I'll take off my pants, too. Oh, and for you anal-retentive Brits, I'm talking about the pants that go all the way down to my feet. Even though this article is on a British subject, this is just one area where you limeys have it all backwards.

You know what would be annoying? If people followed me around taking pictures. That would piss me off. I think the logical solution would be to assault and batter them. I could spray them with mace, or skunk urine, maybe, or just stab them with small, pointy objects.

What was I talking about, again? Oh, well.