User:Hr. Snellman/Runescape

RuneScape is a physically addictive video game, which is played by clowns nearly all day, nearly every day, nearly every week (but only on a bimonthly and confusing schedule nearly every year). If a player stops playing RuneScape, he or she will undergo withdrawal symptoms and endure various traumas. There is a cure for the addiction, but the hospitals refuse to give it out, saying that they find the players' withdrawal symptoms to be "funny."

RuneScape is classified as an MMORPG, or a "massively multiplayer ownage rofl-playerkiller game." Addiction can occur within only a few minutes of playing the game, and it then spreads very quickly, often traveling to friends and family. Still, the seriousness of this addiction is dwarfed by that of WoW.

Graphics, audio, and all that

The first word which comes to a young man or girl's mind when asked about RuneScape graphics is, for some reason, "blake", which is essentially meaningless drivel with no established meaning. This is because the normal teen doesn't know what the words "waste of time" mean. Game graphics can be 2D or 3D depending on the severity of the player's mental addiction. The sounds and music in the game are appreciated only by the most severely addicted players. Psychologists, psychiatrists, and shrinks have deduced through careful studies that the "music" is only one melody, repeating again and again, ad nauseum.

It is also notable that the game requires a lot of power to run, so that machines like the Atari 2600-gamingmotor are unable to keep up with it. This leaves users having to fork out hundreds of dollars for the sole purpose of having a "RuneGamingComputer", which is essentially a normal computer with only tiny modifications that seems to run on money.

Name

The game's name, RuneScape, (or in the 1337-algorithm Rvn3$<4p3) is a pun that took two years to create. "RuneScape" can be read as "Run" and "Escape", which has something to do with running and escaping something, or "Rune" and "Scape", which has something to do with a Rune and a Scape (presumably some type of goat). It can also be read "Runes" and "Cape", but that doesn't really mean anything at all.

Economy

The only way to make money in the game is by "scamming" or conning other players. With the exception of a renewable gold coin in one bank cellar, RuneScape's money is a stable, fixed amount, so no new money appears. Therefore experienced players "scam" other player for money. To successfully "scam", you must find a new player, and charge them an inordinate amount of money for a not particularly useful item, such as... a bronze axe!

Alternatively, you can fool amateurs into giving you a rune and a cape - this "Runes cape" scamming style is actually the most favored scamming style in the game. To do this, a player (preferably you) offers to make another player a "runes cape" out of some of their runes and a cape. When the victim unwittingly hands over the items, the scammer runs away and screams, preferably in dense 1337, that he is laughing heartily over his clearcut victory. The victim can try to ask politely for their items back, but they will almost certainly be disappointed, as they were rightfully won by the scammer.

In RuneScape, as in life, coins are money. The richest players (those with no lives) can "earn" millions of coins. In-game money is not heavy, hence players can carry this vast sum easily. The basis economics of monetary value are very weird in Runescape: With one coin you can buy a spoon. With ten you can buy an item. With one hundred you can buy a pullover. With a thousand you can maybe buy a sword. With ten thousand you can buy a heap of fish. With one hundred thousand you can buy a sword and shield. So: 100,000 spoons are the same as a sword and shield. Blame inflation.

Stages of addiction

There are 3 stages:

1. Free (slight) – These players have the least exposure to the game, and therefore the highest chance of freeing themselves from the addiction before it becomes too strong.
2. Member (deadly) – The word member comes from the Latin "memberius maximus", which means "perfect ally" (or possibly the Latin memberius satanism, which means "Satan's ally' or "has pledged his soul to Satan"). At this stage of addiction,the player can still be freed from RuneScape dependency with only a few serious traumas.
3. Moderator (physically dead) – Moderators are nerds whose only goal in life is to make other players play more. They have played the game for so long that they have forgotten their real life (if they ever had a real life). They can be easily identified by their style of dress, which usually includes thick glasses, twisted eyes, greasy hair, and a tendency to walk with their head facing the floor. Moderators are beyond help, and can't be freed from the grasp of the game. Medical experts agree that combating this level of addiction is impossible.

Frees and members claim there are benefits to their conditions, which include hearing game music in real life and arrow making skillsHowever, most people would claim that these are outweighed by the negative side-effects of the condition, including being overweight, shrinking testicles (in males), and inability to understand anything outside of the game.

Speaking and moves

Characters have a much more interesting life than the players who choose them.

You can converse in RuneScape - the text appears above your character in yellow. Unfortunately, conversation tends to be limited to simple phrases, such as: wave:, strangle everyone4:, fuckyou2: or omgflashcool345:. In RuneScape, bad language is a crime! But don't worry, Jagex have protected you from your own vulgarity by making it impossible to use bad language. However, because the average RuneScape player normally speaks rubbish, most of their conversation gets censored. For example: "I must go now to eat, damn it, see ya!" becomes: "* m**t g* *** ** e**, d*** it, **e *a!" The moral here is: Good language - good game!

You are also able to move your character. Which is useful, as it would be a pretty dull game if you could only stand still. "Moves" mean that, you can make your character dance like mad, and jump around like the end of the world is nigh! N00bs love these moves.

Items

• Weapons, which can be used to kill everyone or everything you encounter.
• Clothes, which can help reduce the effectiveness of the weapons if they are used on you. Although how much effect a pullover will have on a sword, for instance, is debatable.
• Food, which can replace your energy, if that pullover failed to stop the sword.

A normal fight in RuneScape.

• Medicine, which can be used to heal wounds, such as AIDS and crapula.
• Unusual hats, which can be worn on the head. And that's it! For some reason, players have been known to kill other players for their hats. They are therefore a good indicator of no-life-nerds and 24/7-nerds.
• Superweapons, which can include such fearsome items as sticks with golden heads that kill enemies with lightning.
• Utilities, which can be used in the gameworld, even though they were created outside it. These coveted items give massive ability increases, including legendary "Mining", "Smithing" and "Crafting" abilities, making their owners extremely popular. Good moderators tend to ban utilities, for some reason. Killjoys! what what!!!!
• Items, are all other items not covered by the rest of this list. These include runes (which you'd never have guessed from the title!), arrows, machetes, cowskins, feathers, ash, fluff, shit and uneven boots.

Scamming and rules

The Commandments of RuneScape

Jagex.

1. Don't use bots.
2. Don't slay.
3. Give respect to Jagex, and to your family.
4. Don't scam items and don't fool n00bs.
5. Don't abuse nerds, unless they stop buying stuff.
6. Don't.
7. And don't try make more rules.
8. Shut up.
9. Don't ask for telephone numbers.
10. Or e-mail addresses.
11. Don't answer if somebody asks your age. Unless you're asked by a very cute girl (Note: highly unlikely).
12. Don't interfere with game cows/chickens.

Scamming

Scammer: "Give me your armor, and I can make it golden for you."
Victim: O.K. Here you are, thanks for..... Damn! Where did he go?

This also works in real life, if you want to try it. (The easiest victims tend to be Hungarian).

Bots

Bots are the best thing in the game. They play it for you, so that you can use your valuable time for more important things, such as reading comics, or playing Counter Strike (unless you have bots to do that too). You could go out and try to make some friends, but... well, you play RuneScape.

Girlplayers in RuneScape

I feel something is wrong. Two things.

If somebody sees a girl in RuneScape, it tends to quickly become a hot topic of discussion between other users, but rarely with the girl herself, because RuneScape users tend to have a problem communicating with girls.

Known or suspected female players in RuneScape include:

• miss2cute4u (she's fine ;])
• Lilgirl43423 (suspected to be a man.)
• 1337juicebox (confirmed female, surprisingly)
• sup23456 (suspected to be a man.)
• Flow3rp0wer (suspected to be a bot.)
• Cat_Girl788 (suspected.)
• Amy6 (Suspected to be a little girl just learning about the strange and wonderful world of the internet. Very popular, for some reason.)

Quests

RuneScape has many quests, all of which are varied and exciting. True, they mostly involve slaying, jumping, slaying again, and eating bananas, but some of the people you slay have different names! Or you could just use a bot. Some popular quests include:

• Cook's assistant, which involves being an evil cook's errand boy. On this Quest you must poison The King of the Lumbridge and partyquest on his birthday. This Quest is for n00bs.
• Pirate Treasure, which involves committing many crimes, including giving rum to a drunken pirate (that is a crime - look it up!) You commit a number of such crimes, and then you must kill a farmer. Some have suggested that this may be a stupid quest.
• Demon slayer, which, if you couldn't guess from the name, involves slaying a demon. Where do they get these names from? On this quest you must find some keys, and open a box containing a sword that you really don't need. You then use this sword to poke a bogeyman. Yeah. After this quest, the demon is born again as if nothing has happened. Bet that makes you feel really useful, right? If you fail this quest, it is possible that the server may burst, but this is not happened so far, because the quest is so easy.
• Dragon slayer. Find a dragon. And slay it. Another cryptic name.
• Kill the chicken. This sounds like the easiest of all, but is actually fiendish. You must do something stupid, and Dr. Evil Chicken will come. You then must slay him. Many people make the mistake of thinking this quest will be easy, when in reality only a select few will ever find the Chicken Yard and triumph.

Escape from RuneScape!

Hospitals are now offering treatment to help people quit RuneScape, but it's not an easy process. Britain's entire medical budget is spent on treating RuneScape addiction, for example.

RuneScape addiction can leave traumas. In fact, it's better to never try Runescape in the first place. WSOY have tried to create a medicine to help treat RuneScape addicts, but have so far met with little success. The best treatment currently available is the I, RuneScape hater book, which has sold an amazing three copies to date.

Examples

This is what RuneScape can turn you into!

• Player example 1: Peter (or The Gutter_Sniper234). Peter was 14. His hobby was football, but then he found RuneScape. Peter quickly became fat, he stopped playing football, he began to smell, and he only wanted to play RuneScape. And he is still so young...
  • Hospital verdict: "This is a typical problem for us - this kind of guy is harder to cure than a World of Warcraft player!"

• Player example 2: Larry (or L4rr^^589). Larry was ten years old. His "friend" told him about RuneScape, and he started playing to find out what it was about. This led Larry to miss out on any interaction with girls at a crucial stage in his development (remember, girls don't play RuneScape or like Star Wars). Instead, he spent all day with his computer. Larry's tongue become brown. He started talking to himself about hell and heaven, he missed friends' birthdays to play more, more, and more. He played all night! His schoolwork suffered, everything else in his life began to go to hell. When Larry turned 13, he started to notice girls, but it was too late - girls didn't like him. He wanted girls, but he also wanted to play more, and he couldn't choose between them. Caught in an agony of indecision, poor Larry starved to death.
  • Hospital verdict: "This is the kind of sad story we hear all the time about computer gamers. They are never as successful with the women as we male nurses. I can tell you, my love life is party time all the time! Can I give you a demonstration, baby?"

• Player example 3: John (or n00bhunter47). John was 16 years old. He had no interest in motorbikes or other healthy outdoor pursuits. He only wanted to play RuneScape. He spent a marathon 3-day session playing without sleep, food, water or even toilet breaks. John is still alive, but only because his local hospital gave him a life-saving operation.
  • Hospital verdict:' "He's still alive? I'd give him another week. Tops."

• Player example 4: Matt (or Zezima). Matt was 17 years old. He was the football team captain, and his girlfriend was the most fancied girl in school. Matt could bench press 90kg, and other healthy shit like that, and he had a lot of friends. Matt didn't drunk, smoke or use drugs. He cleaned his house every sunday, and he bathed every day. Occasionally he played on his Playstation 2, but he didn't have a computer. But then RuneScape entered his life. His cousin, Larry (example 2) introduced him to it one bored afternoon while he was visiting. He seemed to be unaffected when he left Larry's home that day, but when he got home, he immediately bought a computer. He stopped cleaning and washing, and he bought a two year RuneScape subscription. And he played. He quickly became the most stupid boy in school, and too fat to be football captain, although he no longer cared. His friends left him. He didn't care about that either. His girlfriend didn't like his gaming, and pleaded with him "Matt, stop playing!" with tears streaming down her cheeks. But Matt didn't want stop playing, so she left him. He still didn't care. He was close, oh so close to that coveted fishing cape! Matt spent all of his money ($10 000) on energy drinks and subscription fees. Matt's parents took him to hospital, but he escaped, killing two doctors and his girlfriend. Then he went home, and killed his parents. Now Matt only plays RuneScape, and gets his money by murdering young girls in the park. Sad.
  • Hospital verdict: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same old story. Guys like that are ten a penny my friend, what are you gonna do? I generally watch them from my window and laugh!"
    • Real hospital verdict: "RuneScape addiction can claim anyone, normal guys or freaks and weirdoes. But not girls, for some reason. Oh, and can you give us the number of that other "hospital"? We've got some friends who'd like to speak to them."

Important RuneScape information for parents

How will you know if your child is developing a potentially fatal RuneScape addiction? Ask these simple questions:

• Dear child, have you ever smoked played RuneScape?
• What would you do if someone offered you a smoke game of RuneScape?
• Are any of your friends already smoking playing RuneScape?
• What would you do if all your friends were smoking playing RuneScape, and invited you to join them?
• If your friends played RuneScape jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?
  • What do you mean, "which cliff?"

If your child already uses plays RuneScape, don't panic! Remember these simple rules:

• Never tell your child to stop playing and go outside - they'll only want to play even more.
• Try bribes - offer them money for each day they don't play. But make sure they don't spend it on a membership!
• Remember - an addicted child may try to play round a "friend"'s house. So to be on the safe side, go with them every time they visit a friend. And stay all night, if you have to - it pays to be sure!
• Make sure you don't give them too much money in case they buy a laptop and play on it in the toilet.
• If your child is already a member, it's too late. Try for another child - and make sure this one doesn't even know what a computer looks like, it's your only hope!

if play rune scape you are a badass

See also

• alcohol
• anime
• Star Wars
• World Of Warcraft

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