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Emile "The goal machine" Heskey is an english international footballer currently playing for aston villa as a hopelessly awful striker. Born in Leicester he started playing for Leicester in 1994 where he suprisingly scored a couple of goals. He made his £11 million move to Liverpool(really £11 million for heskey my mum scores more than him) yes £11 million, in 2000. After liverpool realised that he was awful (it only took them 4 years) he moved to birmingham city fc in 2004 and then Wigan Pathetic in 2006 and then to aston villa in 2009.

He made his England debut in 1999 agaisnt Hungry in a 1-1 draw in which he too the suprise of many nearly scored. He retired from international football after Euro 2004 after former team mate and england striking partner Michael Owen said,"He really is absolute bollocks." Coupled with being constanly slagged of by the press and the emergance of Mr Potatoe Head up front he thought it was best to call it a day.

Football Career

Leicester Days

Heskey was born in Leicester, Leicetershire, (born in Leicester in Leicestershire, thats like being born in manches in manchester) on 11 January 1978. He was a keen footballer and was orignally a centre back (thus his alwful finishing). He converted to a striker due to the fact that he can play as a targetman- basically a striker whos big and can head the ball but cant do anything else. At the age of 15 he went to a trial with Leicester City but was refused because he was too crap. Heskey determined to play professional football went to the Leicester City chairman and said "Is it coz i is black?" at which point the chairman replied, "No its because your shit now get out of my room" But a year later tradegy struck as 98% of the population of Leicester was wiped out in the Leicester flu disaster of 1994 including most of the football team. With the football club having little players and Heskey one of the few survivers of the flu epedemic he was signed up as the Leicester team adopted the sign whoevers alive policy. He made his debut a year later in FA Cup sponsered by Mcdonalds, coca-coca, barclays, nestle, asda, tesco, skysports, facebook, hmv and al-qaeda. Leicester won 1-0 courstesy of an emile heskey wonder goal, well i say wonder goal but it was pretty awful, but the fact that Heskey scored alone makes its wonderful.....okay i lie its was crap..there u happy now?? Anyway heskey established himself the as a regular that season despite not having one shot on target for the rest of the season. He won the league cup aka the cup that no-one cares about in 1997 and 2000.

Liverpuuuulll(as a native would pronounce it)

Heskey was signed by Liverpool in an £11 million move in 2000. When asked at a press conference why he had payed so much for Emile Heskey Liverpool manager Gérard Houllier replied, "Emile Heskey?! sacre bleu i thought i was buying andy cole." Heskey made his debut agaisnt manchester united that season as a 90th minute sub with liverpool winning the game 1-0. He was bought on to hold the ball up and time waste for the last few minutes. At 1-0 Liverpool were heading for the first win agaisnt manchester united at old trafford for 40 years but amazingly heskey scored 2 own goals in the last 2 minutes of injury time. Interviewed after the game at how he amazingly scored two own goals Heskey replied, "I dont get it, whys everyone moaning at me? we were shooting that way in the first 45 minutes." After being re-educated on the rules of football Heskey had a good season scoring an amazing 3 goals. The next season was even better with Heskey scoring 2 goals. In 2002 gary walkers lineker attempted to buy his favourite club and Heskey's old club Leicester city and Heskey was linked with a move back. In the end the deal didnt go through because Lineker wasnt willing to make the chairmans buy out valuation of 30p, "the fact is with 30p i could buy a pack of walkers crisps and im not going to turn that down." Heskey continued the 2002 season in fine form scoring a goal or two. Heskey was injured for the majority of the 2003 season with a broken fingernail, asked why he spent so much time out with a broken fingernail Heskey replied, "I didnt want to aggrevate it and cause a serious injury, i mean if i recieved a bad tackle i could have even lost a fingernail then my playing career would be over." Heskey returned in early 2004 and scored his 10th goal in the 200th game at ainfield agaisnt the mighty oxford united, asked about his goal scoring record he replied," why do people keep having a go about my goal scoring record, i mean how many of them have scored 10 goals well?? Id like to know that and then ill discuss my goal scoring record."

Birmingham City

After falling out with Gérard Houllier Heskey signed for Steve Bruces' Birmingham City for a fee of £6.5 million. At the press conferance Steve Bruce said "Houllier the lying bastard, he told me i was buying Andy Cole." He had his most prolific season in football scoring 5 and a half goals in his first year. The second year at Birmingham Heskey had a poor season not scoring at all as Birmingham were relegated on 2 points. With Birmingham relegated steve bruce moved as did Heskey.

Wigan Athletic

Heskey was signed by Wigan Athletic for £5.5m during July 2006. Asked as to why Steve Bruce had bought back The heskilator he replied "He gives the fans a few laughs." During his 3 year stay at wigan Heskey along with Titus Bramle were voted the worst ever footballers of all time in the preimerleague even worse than taibi.

Aston Villa

Heskey was realeased from wigan in jan 2009 after Steve Bruce said "Like little Britain, the thought of heskey playing for us just isnt funny anymore." He was signed by martin o'neil a week later his former manager. The media was puzzled as to why O'neil signed Heskey but then when in the next weeks Hello pictures were published of their gay wedding it all became clear. Aston Villa issued a statement saying,"The fact that Martin and Emile are married has nothing to with Emile's recent signing to the club."

National Career

Heskey made his England debut in 1999 agaisnt Hungry in a 1-1 draw and impressed as he actually had a shot on target. In 2001 Heskey scored as England beat Germany 5-1 promting allegations of match fixing. He was called up to the 2002 world cup but failed to impress. He came under scrutiny after his comments about that goal by Ronaldinho ,"If our long hair hippie of a keeper had a hair cut he might have been able to see it coming." Heskey contined to play in the england squad despite his comments about the hippie...i mean david seaman. His place in the sqaud became a threat when toy story star mr potatoe head was granted british citizenship and was called up to the england squad and suprisingly for a potatoe was actually quite good. Heskey was called up to Euro 2004 but didnt make an appearance and retired from international football shortly after. He recieved a shock call up in 2009 and opted out of retirement, he said," Im pleased I just hope Cappello knows who i am, im sick of people thinking im andy cole." At which point cappelo replied,"Shit."