User:HauntedUndies/Mastication

Mastication can be quite pleasurable with a cucumber.

Mastication, commonly known as chewing, is the mechanical process by which a person or animal breaks down the food placed inside their mouth by grinding and chomping their teeth. This process results in a gooey substance called bolus which is usually swallowed, but can sometimes be spat out, or placed in tissues before being placed in a bin.

When?

Mastication has many various health benefits and is enjoyed by most people daily, usually several times per day.

Who?

Mastication can be enjoyed on your own but it's always more fun to do it with someone else.Your dad masticates, your mom masticates, your uncle masticates and yes, even your cat masticates. It is currently estimated that ninety per cent of all people masticate, and that the other ten per cent deny it.

How?

You can masticate your cupcake only after you've eaten your vegetables.

The key to a great mastication session is preparation. The most popular combinations of items to masticate are the classic meat and two veg, frank and beans, or a big fat pork sausage. If no meat is available, a pink taco is a valid substitutes. Often, the meat intended to be masticated is too small or unhygienic. This is remedied by a quick wash in the kitchen sink followed by pulling stretching or tenderising of the meat until it is of a sufficient size.

Where?

In every home, there is a pre-designated area where a family or group of people will often perform a communal mastication session together. This ritual usually includes preparation, group mastication, and a period dedicated to wiping up the mess with tissues and hiding them in the bin. Not everyone masticates this way as some people prefer to masticate in front of the TV or by themselves late at night in their room while surfing the Internet. Although people generally prefer to masticate at home, they often arrange to meet up in public and masticate with their friends, work colleagues, or just head down to the local children’s play ground and masticate behind a picnic basket.

Why?

Because you can.

Myths about mastication

Blindness

Contrary to traditional Catholic doctrine, mastication will not cause blindness. That said; there have been a few isolated cases where wayward meat juices have ended up squirting in the masticators eye causing temporary pain and blurred vision. In the interests of personal safety, heavy metals and household cleaners should be avoided while masticating. It is the saliva glands job to provide enough lubricant in order to masticate efficiently and any other means of lubrication should be avoided.

Importance

Many raging masticators feel that they’ll become important at a later stage in life due to excessive mastication. While there are many reasons for someone becoming important, including mental or physical ability, chances are; you’ll never be important.

Hand falling off

A common myth that generally rears itself in places where masticators frequently visit – the Internet. Nonetheless, masticators should avoid eating their own hand; unless they’re into that sort of thing.

The dark side

He can barely contain his exitement at the prospect of masticating his think, long sausage.

Chronic mastication is a disorder where a person feels an unstoppable compulsion to masticate. There are several known causes for people to over-masticate. Some people do so due to feelings of depression and loneliness; some masticate after seeing certain foods such as big melons, a giant rack – of lamb, or a hot Poontang pie cooling on the window sill; and then there are those that just love to masticate like a madman first thing in the morning. Studies indicate that while some women can and do can suffer from CM, it is estimated that teenage males are the most at-risk group with estimates suggesting that ninety-nine percent of post pubescent males can expect to suffer from some degree of chronic mastication.

You disgust me!

It’s considered common knowledge that the term ‘mastication’ shares syllabic and tonal similarities with a rather unpleasant and unwholesome word used to describe the act of pleasuring oneself. Under no circumstances should the two words be mistaken or used interchangeably – especially at the dinner table. Sadly, there are a small proportion of uncivilised and/or immature persons who are easily amused by the similarities in the two words but pay them no regard, they’re just a bunch of wankers.