User:Haren petersson/Spyken

Spyken's Logo. The royal snail of Lund crushing the radioactive jewish women that dare mock it.

Spyken is a cow-hater fundamentalist school situated in Lund, Sweden.

History

Older History

Founded by the fifteen gnomes in the pre-time-period (exact year can't be confirmed due to the ongoing debate in the school kitchen, "What is time and what does it mean for our existense as human beings in todays society" ) the scool has survived tha many harsh tests of history, such as the Ice Age, the vikings, the world wars and the birth of Martha Stewart. The school was originally called "Mr Gobblies School for Sexually Abused Boys", but the name was changed when Jesus started attending it's famous cooking-and-marcabre-gardening-course in year 15. It was here Jesus learned how to make wine out of water, which led to his expulsion 2 years later do to massive underage drinking in the entire region and a increased amout of attacks by drunken sea-creatures. During the dark ages Spyken was seen as a beacon of light in the eternal darkness, this due to a failed experiment in the physics-and-marcarbe-hairdressing-lab where some unfortunate jewish girls made the whole school building higly radio-active. Some say this was a bad thing, but the school board insisted it was positive beacuase it's high gamma radiation held the remaining drunken sea-creatures back. (Student mortality by drunken sea-creature attacks droppen with 2% during this period). Because of this, the now glow-in-the-dark jewish girls were getting cocky and demanding the same rights as the other students, or at least the right to sit where they wanted in the racially divided classrooms. The royal snail of Lund was called in to calm the rebellious girls, but they only mocked him for his small and rather avant-garde house. So he crushed them. ( see the school logo ) During the renaissance Sweden was rather dull and boring, and with the exception for the birth of Lill-babs nothing really happened. Around 1700 colonies became popular again, Spyken declared itself a autnomous country and invaded Germany. This new colony brought many riches to Spyken and they could now afford to start new classes, including Swedish B (marcabre grammar), German A & B (marcabre rooster-killing & marcabre leaflet-printing in german), Driving Under Marcabre Bridges (D.U.M.B), and "The marcabre religions of New Jersey".

Younger History

Jöns-"Otto" Bismarck, posing together with the surpreme anarchy-yak in front of the german flag.

In 1840, Germany rebelled against Spyken and demanded their indipendence. Seeing as Spyken already had everything worth taking in Germany and the millions of Germans trying to emigrate to Spyken made Germany nothing but a burden. Germany was declared an indipendant counrty 7 minutes after the demand was made. Former history-and-marcabre-olympic-ice-skating-teacher Jöns Bismarck re-wrote the history of Germany to make it more glorious and made himself Chancellor of the Galactic Empire's Really Madly Anarchistic Nation of Yaks (GERMANY).

The jew-hating spirit of spyken was in the transition inherited by Germany, which took it to higher levels later on. During the World Wars Spyken remained neutral, but sold student-made bombs to Switzerland.

The Building

Originally built before anyone knew how to build Spyken is an original building with many hidden passages, unique architecture and a world-famous staircase nobody really understands. The school is divided into 5 houses. A, B, C, D and E.

A-house

The a-house has 4 floors, and an elevator that has five stops. It's connected to the b-house by an arch holding the language institution.

• 0. The student-allowed dungeons hold a combined freezer/marcabre-art classrom, a sadistic photo-lab that always tries to drown it's students in the dark and a small teachers room crowded with bizarre artifacts.

The rest holds a small workshop for the dutch wooden-shoe fetichists, a storage room, the elevator port room, and a huge underground hall where former students are kept in jars.

• 1. The ground floor holds a music room where students hold concerts and the art students gather to feast on blood every wenesday afternoon. Next to it is a common-room with the art students art and blood-bottles, and an evil pinball machine. The machine dissolves your brain at a molecular level using a combination of high-pitched sounds and epileptic lights. The machine seems to attract zombies and Bob-the-builder-students.
• 2. Second floor holds the assembly hall and nothing else. The hall is used for ceremonies and bigger tests. It has twelve rows of diagonally placed benches on both sides. And every 2/3 places has a flap-table. The huge room is lit by lamps made from german garbage and are prophesized to one day fall down and crush the whole "Lucia-train". There's a lot of confused religious symbology in the assembly hall. The painted window behind the stage deceipts the godess Athena, a man giving a sphinx a blow-job. Athena belongs to greek mythology, and the sphinx is from the egytian sun-religion. An alternative logo for spyken is also incorporated in the window. It contains two jewish stars, the scientology bible, an muslim-oil-lamp and an hindu-snake. And on the stage itself there's a catholic priests speaker box. Also, Buddha is belived to be buried under the stage.
• 3. The top floor is the artist's attic. This is the place to go if you want to escape proper education and just sit around getting high on sniffing glue. On the outside there's a paraphet walk, used for shooting innocents and throwing water-bombs on substitues that makes the mistake of crossing the courtyard.

B-house

The b-house has the same height as the a-house but has 4 floors and a basement. It's built in the same style but has no elevator. In stead the b-house centers arounda big staircase with go-around-phalluses. In front of it there's a huge gate -but no fence-, and three big concrete pipes sticking out of the ground. The concrete pipes were initially a part of the schools anti-missile defense facility, but were abandoned after the radioactive incident during the dark ages.

• 0. The dungeons of the b-house are known for their gloomyness and the fact that they look, smells and tastes like a sewer. They center around two claustrophobical rooms filled with student lockers (an annual lottery iis held at the school, those who loses gets lockers in the b-dungeon), a semi-secret underground computer room for contact with the mothership and a very secret door. Nobody really knows what's behind the secret door, but witnesses tell they have seen the cleaning personel enter there, looking very old and grey, and emerge thirty years younger smelling like cinnamon. Bob-the-builder students often lurk in the b-dungeons niches where they discuss sex, bitches, cars, alcohol, rape and posh Noa-Noa jewellery.
• 1. The "ground floor" is somewhat elevated from the ground itself by some stairs. On this floor, there's a number of regular classrooms which you're not allowed to ask questions about, the schools career centers (2 of them just to be sure schizofrenical people gets the right job) and the school nurses (2 of them just to be sure the hypocondriacs gets the wrong treatment).
• 2. The second floor holds no classrooms, or any student-related rooms at all. It does hold the teachers lounge, the reception hole, the copy-room and the principals's office. The teacher's lounge is where teachers hide from their students and drink enormous amounts of coffee. There is also a hierarchy system in the couches.

Language teachers > Art teachers > Teachers with insignificant subjects > Natural Science teachers > P.E. teachers > 
Social Science Teacher's pets > Social Science teachers > Principal > The Dark Lord

Besides the teachers lounge there is the school administartion, and the prinicipal's office. The principal's office is situated slightly elevated from the rest of the floor and is reached through a magical revolving staircase. Current staircase password:Sjuttio schyssta ekleseastikdepartementssekreterare. Due to the difficulcy in pronouncing the password correctly, no one has entered the principal's office in 20 years. Across the hall from the school administration is "the sour hole". This is basiccly a whole in the wall that usually holds a grumpy lady who you can go to if you'd like to lie about something, mostly illnesses of the more bizzare kind.

• 3. The third floor holds an infinite number of boring classrooms that I'd like to tell you about. But I fear you would die of boredom if you do,and that's not the way I was planning your deaths my little chipmunk minions.

Instead I will reveal The Long Forgotten And Highly Sectret Realm Of The Language Teachers The Long Forgotten And Highly Sectret Realm Of The Language Teachers (also un-known as TLFAHSROTLT, which is funny in it's own way because tlfahsrotlt is the Dutch word for "vowel")is hidden behind a massive bookcase. No password is needed, just the courage to enter a room full of language teachers. Due to this, no one but the language teachers themselfes has seen the Tlfahsrotlt. In an attempt to obtain information about the realm, a Dutch-teacher was captured and tortured by the Teachers with insignificant subjects. But before any information was aquired, the Dutch-teacher managed to utter the word Graaklmoot and die from dutch vowel poisoning (if a dutch person says a word that contains 30% or more vowels they will immideatley die from dutch vowel poisoning).

• 4 No one ever goes to the fourth floor. To many stairs. It's really hard to get there, and it's not worth it since there is NOTHING to see up there. There are NO terrible secrets hidden in the classrooms. And they say the air is really bad there too... did I mention the stairs?

I doubt you will find anything of interest there, since there is NOTHING for you to see. So stop reading about it already!