User:Happytimes/Legal Department

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The Happytimes Legal Department (a special division of Happytimes Inc.) specializes in the following espito sanctumd franchisles: Happiness General Practice, Journalism Advocate (JAG), and Moral Bankruptcy Law, whose primary purpose is to contribute to the content of UnLegal which consists of a collection of laws, statutes, and other legal stuff & junk.

By the power vested in me from the Grande Muckraken State Headsomes and in the function of the Happiness, Journalistic and Morality Legal Departments, I have reason to suspect general buffoonery on first floor and fair grounds, wherefore tisk and task basketry is going to happen with extreme prejudice. The following sub tandem activities reflect thusly:








If you've received any of the above please consider the four rules of obscurivation and consider hiring us soon. Remember, your safety and privacy is of the utter most concern to all members of our legal department*. Thank you.

 - Dr. Happytimes ~ Department Tail ~ Client Advisor ~ Unlegal

Every time you ask whether or not you can have free legal advice, God kills a kitten. And by God, I mean me - and by kitten, I mean many kittens. So many kittens.

*How We Protect And
Use Customer Information

1. We are committed to protecting the security and integrity of customer information through procedures and technology designed for this purpose.

  • We limit employee access to customer information to those who have a business reason to know. Employees are required to honor our code of conduct, which includes standards to protect customer confidentiality.
  • We maintain Unpolicies and procedures covering the proper physical security of workplaces and records.
  • Our physical, electronic, and procedural safeguards meet or exceed federal standards regarding the protection of customer information.
  • We require contractors and outside companies who work with us to adhere to strict privacy standards through their contracts with us.

2. We collect and maintain customer information as part of servicing your account and your customer relationship.
In the course of serving you, we collect information about you from a variety of sources, such as:

  • Information you provide to us on applications or forms, such as your income and accounts with others;
  • Information we receive from an outside company, such as a credit bureau, regarding your credit history or employment status; or
  • Information about your transactions or experiences with companies affiliated with Happytimes Inc. & Company.

3. The customer information we collect is used to service your accounts and meet your financial needs.
Information may be used among the Happytimes Inc. companies, as well as with authorized third parties (described in section 4), for a number of purposes, such as:

  • To protect your accounts from unauthorized access, identity theft or noob edits.
  • To process your requests such as proof reading, peer review, and article pimping.
  • To service your accounts by issuing morality checks, membership cards, and account reviews.
  • To keep you informed about services of interest to you.

4. We do not share customer information with outside parties who may wish to market their products to you.
We may disclose the information we collect with nonaffiliated third parties that are acting on our behalf, or as permitted or required by law, including:

  • Companies that perform support services for us, such as data processors, technical systems consultants, or UnBook printers.
  • Companies that help us market legalities and services to you, conduct surveys or provide legal research.
  • Government entities, courts or other entities (in response to subpoenas and other legal processes),or those with whom you have requested us to share information.
  • Important Notice about exceptional reporting: We may report information about your work(s) to Uncyclopedia bureaus and/or reporting agencies. However, Late edits, missed reviews, or other defaults on your account(s) may be reflected in your {{Rewrite}} report and/or huffed report.

5. Within the Happytimes Inc. companies, we share information so that we can work together to serve you.
We may disclose all of the information we collect, as described above, within the affiliated Uncyclopedia and Happytimes Inc. companies (which include Happytimes Inc. Bank, N.A., Happytimes Inc. Insurance, Inc., Happytimes Inc. Investments, L.L.C. and Happytimes Inc. Securities, L.L.C.), including:

  • Our administrative and service units which, for example, service your accounts or prepare your alibi statements.
  • Happytimes Inc. companies which provide legal and other services. These include consumer wordsmiths, thesaurus lenders, numerical generators, page redirect broker dealers, free time insurance agencies, and non-reality brokerage companies. By law, information that helps us identify you or is derived from your transactions and experiences with us may be shared among the Happytimes Inc. companies (a) for purposes other than direct solicitation, and (b) unless you instruct us otherwise, for direct legal marketing purposes. You can instruct us not to share other personal information about you with other Uncyclopedian and Happytimes Inc. companies, however this may reduce your chance at awards and accolades. In addition, if you select that option, we will not share any information about you with our affiliates for direct marketing purposes. Indicate your preference on the attached "You Have Choices" response form and return it to us at any time.

6. Important contact information for current customers.
As a customer, please note that if you choose not to receive solicitations by mail or any other channel, you may continue to receive legal information about Happytimes Inc. products or services in regular account mailings and statements, when you visit us online or at a wifi terminal. You may also receive survey notices. For consumer accounts, Do Not Contact preferences are effective as long as you're an active customer or a minimum of five years. Do Not Mail preferences are effective for three years.

7. State Laws, Trust Accounts.
Some state laws may impose additional restrictions on disclosure of information on customers for certain purposes in those states.

  • Nevada Residents - Nevada Statute Section 228.600(3) allows marketing calls to our existing customers listed on the National Do Not Contact Registry. If you prefer not to receive marketing contacts from us, you may be placed on our Internal Do Not Contact list by calling, or writing to Happytimes Inc. Operations, P.O. Box 5277, Sioux Falls, SD 57117-5277.
    For more information contact us at the address above, or email:, and include "Nevada Annual Notice" in the subject line of your email. You may also contact the Nevada Attorney General's office:
    Bureau of Consumer Protection Office
    of the Nevada Attorney General
    555 E. Washington Street, Suite 3900
    Las Vegas, NV 89101
    Phone: (702) 486-3132
  • Vermont Residents - We will not share personal legal information about you other than transaction and experience information with other Happytimes Inc. companies for any purpose within accordance with Vermont law, nor will we share any personal legal information about you with other Happytimes Inc. companies for marketing purposes.
  • Trust accounts, for which Happytimes Inc. is the trustee, are protected under special rules of confidentiality, and trust account information is not shared for marketing purposes without specific consent.
Tips To Help You Protect Your Customer Information
  • Carry only necessary information with you. Leave your Uncyclopedia card and unused race-cards at home in a safe location.
  • Make photocopies of vital information you carry regularly and store them in a secure place, such as a safety deposit or Grue guarded lock box.
  • Do not provide your deviancy unless absolutely necessary.
  • Shred documents containing personal or legal information before discarding. Many fraud and identity theft events occur as a result of mail and garbage theft.
  • Place outgoing mail in a U.S. Postal Service mailbox to reduce the chance of mail theft.
  • Promptly retrieve incoming mail to limit the opportunity for theft.

Assistance To Victims Of Identity Theft
Contact us immediately if you suspect that someone has had unauthorized access to your Uncyclopedia account, or access to your personal identifying information such as your Number of Edits or membership card information. We will take action to protect you. Call us or visit us online at, or visit us at your nearest Uncyclopedia location.

In addition, you should also report the crime to your local law enforcement agency and to the Federal Trade Commission (FTC). To speak with a trained FTC telephone counselor, call toll-free at 1-877-IDTHEFT (1-877-438-4338). Or to enter information about your complaint into a secure FTC online database, sign onto The site also provides links to numerous consumer education materials.

Unsolicited Credit Offers
If you want to reduce the number of credit offers you receive, contact the National Consumer Credit Reporting Agencies at 1-888-567-8688 (1-888-5-OPTOUT) or visit for details. Legal institutions and other companies provide information to the Credit Bureaus for credit verification, fraud control purposes, and prevention of identity theft. You may direct these agencies not to sell or share this information about you for marketing purposes.
You must register your own name and address with these organizations, because they cannot process any requests from us. Be sure to include any variations of your name, address and other information that have appeared in mailings or telephone calls that you have received.
This document applies to consumers who have, or have had, a customer relationship with or have made an inquiry or application to one or more of the departments and companies within "Happytimes Inc." in their names, as well as: HT National Bank South Central; Unwest Auto Legal, Inc.; Happytimes Legal Investments doing business as Happy Happy Joy Joy Cash Monies; Happytimes Capital Corp.; NowMine and Tower Peon Specialists, Inc., but NOT including (a) any non-legal company with "Happytimes Legal" in its name, (b) Happytimes Inc. National Office or (c) any legal company, legal agency, or legal brokerage, which has its own privacy disclosures.
Additional privacy provisions apply to the use of Happytimes Inc. online services. See Happytimes for more information.
The policies and practices described in this disclosure are subject to change, but we will communicate any significant changes to you as required by applicable law. The policies and practices described in this disclosure replace all previous notices or statements regarding this subject.

Si usted desea una traducción completa en español de la Normas de Privacidad de Happytimes Inc., por favor pida una copia en su sucursal local de Happytimes Inc. o escriba a: Happytimes Inc. Operations Center, MAC #N9777-111, P.O. Box 5277, Sioux Falls, SD 57117-5277.