User:Famine/WJU

Behind the Scenes at WJU

On the outside, the WJU seems to be an idyllic college where creative students can explore themselves and the world around them. This illusion is marketed to perspective recruits, and many students are misled into selling their souls to the demons within these walls. While many attend this college to learn and grow, few emerge more than crushed shells of their former selves.

Oddly enough, few students have caught on to this fact, even though the school motto is:

Do unto others all the shit you can get away with.

Student Life

The school runs like a well oiled machine. New students are taken on the college tour, taken to orientation, and then run through the soul-sucking machine. Once their collective creative cores have been ripped from their bodies, the empty shells are then reprogrammed based on Herr Hacala's orders. Generally they are filled with the fire and brimstone of the "Council of Six", the greater demons which govern the daily running of the college.

For the most part, students are sufficiently crushed within the first few days of their internment here. On the off chance that one survives this process, they are later subjected to intense, soul crushing psychological torment, and treated as medieval serfs, for primarily nostalgic value. On the even rarer occasion that one shows independent thought and commits the crime of finding something funny, they are crucified. This is, of course, in keeping with the historical Christian background of the school.

A note from the Alumni Fund

WJU's Annual Fund is an important source of private financial support that ensures the University is able to purchase adequate crucifixes, racks, thumb screws, and brimstone. Giving a gift to the annual fund supports student reprogramming, soul-extraction, and much more. The Annual Fund provides vital resources that have allowed the University to achieve and maintain its current levels of soul-fueled evil.

Mission Statement

While a few members of the WJU administration recently began a petition to become a "kinder, gentler, less soul-stealing" university, the current makeup of the administrative bodies ensures that soul-stealing will continue on for the foreseeable future. The current mission statement thus is still:

LIFE

As a true and historic Christian college, we must seek to preserve life to the utmost of our ability. Careless as they are, students can not be trusted with any of our precious life, and it must be wrung from their writhing bodies as soon as possible. Life can only be enjoyed by those "more Christian" than the students they rule over.

LEADERSHIP

To model the Jesuit concern for regional and global neighbors, the University welcomes people of all creeds, races and nationalities. PSYCH!!! We are your leaders. Obey or perish.

SERVICE WITH AND AMONG OTHERS

We exist to serve all students equally, with the utmost care for their spiritual, emotional, and cognitive development. And by serve we mean, fuck up the ass with a beetle-laden stick.