User:EMC/Beetlejuice
Lstrd "Beetlejuice" Green (b. February 30th, 19XX) is an award winning professional actor, boxer, chef, philosopher, philanthropist, football player, polymath, pilot, musician, linguist, writer, orator, criminal, and stand-up comedian. With a career spanning at least eighty decades and a net worth greater than yours, pal, he is regarded as one of the most prodiguous entertainers to have ever graced the Earth.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Beetlejuice was born without zika in Puerto Rico, New Jersey to the Rooney brothers. While attending Puerto Rico's best schools for the most gifted children, Beetlejuice won the National Spelling Bee by nearly spelling "red" and banged all the sexy lady judges. He walked to school daily, frequently took many classes in ologies, and dropped out of school at 15. Unfortunately, most of his teachers killed themselves.
He worked various construction jobs, served in the military, and fathered several children before his rise to superstardom. He became a United States Marine sharpshooter in Vietnam, where he inflicted heavy losses against the Viet Cong along the Ho Chi Minh. During this time he was exposed to agent orange, a citrus-flavored drink which Beetlejuice drank habitually. He was awarded the Nobel War Prize along with Henry Kissinger for helping protract the war, and a Medal of Honor by President Lyndon Johnson for his service despite claiming to have assassinated Lyndon Johnson's predecessor.
During this time, Beetlejuice learned method acting at the Julliard School and studied music theory at the Berklee College of Music, graduating with the highest honors.
Career[edit | edit source]
Acting[edit | edit source]
Beetlejuice has offered his talents to movies such a Bubble Boy, Son of the Beach, Scary Movie 2, Jerry Springer, and several pornos, and has always performed his own stunts (and often the stunts of others). Director Michael Bay asked Beetlejuice to do voice acting on his failed Transformers franchise, offering billions of dollars and his wife as payment. Beetlejuice rejected the offer and Michael Bay tried attacking Beetlejuice, only to be easily beaten up and humiliated by the powerful Beetlejuice.
Music[edit | edit source]
Beetlejuice is an accomplished virtuoso musician. He is a proficient guitarist, pianist, singer, and lyricist. His hit pop song This Is Beetle earned Beetlejuice several Grammys and reached the top of the Billboard charts, where it remained for 47 weeks longer than any other hit. It was covered by a then-unknown rock band called Staind, which ultimately landed them a record deal and clothing label, and Kidz Bop, which landed sound engineer Jon "The Boy Toucher" Hein in jail. He has ghostwritten lyrics for artists such as Bob Dylan, Tupac, and N.O.R.E.
Beetlejuice founded his own record label, Rawkus Records, a shared subsidiary of Jolly Dwarf Productions and Universal, which has signed artists such as the Smut Peddlers. He continues to release his own music, earning him many more Grammys for production.
Sports[edit | edit source]
Beetlejuice's sports career is diverse yet accomplished. Beetlejuice has played every position for the Green Bay Packers since he was a young kid. Additionally, he trains and bets on pitbulls for underground dog fights all over the world.
His professional heavyweight boxing record is 145-0, knocking out every opponent in the first round including his famous beatdown of Sonny Liston in 1964 where Beetle broke the champion's neck with a single jab. In early 2014, Beetlejuice lost 380 lbs in one week to fight lightweight champion Floyd Mayweather Jr. The undefeated Mayweather declined a fight against Beetlejuice later that year, confessing to fans on Twitter that he was 100% certain Beetlejuice would knock him out in the first round.
He has also coached wrestler The Iron Sheik, teaching him everything and helping pave The Sheik's road to success.
Influence[edit | edit source]
American radio show The Howard Stern Show owes all of its success to Beetlejuice's special guest appearances on the show, which launched the formerly obscure host Howard Stern into fame and stardom. He is the undisputed King of the Wack Pack and is considered a Friend of the Court. Apart from being a mentor to the Iron Sheik and making Howard Stern popular, he is also directly responsible for the impressive careers of Gilbert Gottfried and Michael Keaton.
Sports journalists have long lauded Beetlejuice's athleticism, particularly his dominance on the field and in the ring, with Sports Illustrated Magazine describing him as a "the best" and "a tough guy."
Personal life[edit | edit source]
Beetlejuice is 6'5" and weighs at least 180 lbs. He is fluent in Portuguese, Spanish, Chinese, Swedish, and sometimes English. He is a liberal conservative who voted for George Bush and George Clinton three or four times, both of whom he starred in movies with five years ago. He has been a member of Mensa at least seventeen times.
He has never done marijuana, cocaine, nor heroin, except a couple of times twice a week. When questioned about potential breathing problems, he has said, "I do not care about breathing problems", which was taken as a criticism of both Western and Eastern medicine. He has had sex with many fine womens, including Jenny McCarthy, and your wife in 2 minutes. He has been married several times and amicably separated from his ex-wife Katie Juice by murdering her. Beetlejuice is also a licensed pilot who has emergency landed two planes.