User:Draezoth/Turisas
“I’ve heard of them, so what?”
Turisas is a band comprising of Vikings, and People who think they are Vikings. Unfortunately, the line between the two groups has become blurred, and currently historians are trying to figure out the distinctions between members of the group. Although, it is believed that evidence to clear this matter may be found in their beards.
Legend has it that in 1997 the band was founded by Warlord Matthias, “I’m a Viking” Nygård and Jussi, “Not a Viking”, Wickström. This happened when Wickström disturbed the timeline, and instead of killing him, Nygård decided to form a band. This allowed Nygård to fulfill his role of killing many, many people through song.
Early Days[edit | edit source]
Their first attempts at music were unsuccessful, eventually it became clear that they would have to substitute Lutes and Battle Drums for much more modern instruments. After being introduced to electricity and the electric guitar, as well as the intensive care unit, they began to progress.
The band refused to give up their Viking Heritage in favour of getting a record deal. Over fifteen record companies suffered losses in higher management as a result of this. Along with one clown, who honked at them.
Their album, “The Varangian Way”, focuses upon a group of Viking Traders who made a perilous journey down to Constantinople, and then killed everyone, and raped the dead corpses.
Prophesies[edit | edit source]
As a band, Turisas use their music to make prophesies about the past. This is much harder than making prophesies about the future, as you can be wrong and nobody will care, because they will be dead. But some people can be bothered to research the past, and can prove you wrong.
Several people have attempted to prove them wrong, but are now dead. Police have clear evidence as to who the suspects were, but are too terrified to give out such information.
Turisas must therefore make grand and sweeping statements about the past, before using their Viking powers to travel back in time, and make sure it does happen. They are the current enforcers of the timeline, having taken on this mantle from ABBA.
Because of their album, “The Varangian Way”, they were forced to travel back in time to Constantinople, and kill everyone within the cities walls. Then proceeded to rape them, just to prove that their concept album was based on fact, and through these actions successfully invented Necrophilia.
They have been present at many events during time, correcting the timeline in the usual Viking method, mass slaughter and rapings, using traditional Viking weapons, and any new ones.