User:Dr. Skullthumper/Credit card

Not all of these are mine you understand. Some are stolen.

The modern-day credit card is a rectangular device designed to make people feel less bad about spending WASTING money. [more intro here]

History

In 191?, an older aristocrat by the name of Alexander Credit had a gripping anxiety problem. Despite having thousands of dollars of wealth available to spend at a whim, the very act of taking out his chequebook would cause him to nearly seize in fear. This reaction, almost certainly a genetic propensity against spending money that was ultimately responsible for Credit's inherited riches, forced Credit to live a shamefully poor life in a run-down house without so much as a butler to his name.

Doctors were called in to diagnose the man's bizarre condition, but almost immediately shooed away upon announcing that they would be charging extra for a house call. Credit came up with his own theory, as recorded in his makeshift journal comprised almost entirely of napkins:

“ Woe! I can no longer bear to live in poverty, nor muster the courage to spend a single unnecessary cent. Thousands to my name, yet I live in misery [...] It is the payment. Fine as I may be to consider the purchase of a typewriter, watching the departure of bills from my wallet or the signing of a check, these are the difficulties. I pray to a loving God that someday there may be a way to purchase luxuries without such uncomfortable thoughts... ”

Meanwhile, a young scientist toiled away in his lab, delighted by a new discovery. An as-yet-unknown black element he was testing had been producing some unexpected results of late. This element, he observed, emitted a slight magnetic field, instilled confidence in anyone it came into contact with, and he suspected it was somehow responsible for the $21.37 in his lab coat that hadn't been there that morning.

Later experiments would lead Samuel Debt to the conclusion that this mysterious black substance could, under the right conditions, seemingly magically transport money from one person, bank, or institution, to another person, bank, or institution. The Great Depression followed approximately three days afterwards.

It seemed Credit and Debt were destined to work together, and indeed, had they ever met the credit card may well have been invented some twenty years earlier. Instead, it was hastily cobbled together by a banker from Idaho, and like anything else from Idaho, that story is utterly boring.

Usage and Variety

The credit card has many uses, but by far the most popular one is collecting debt. More serious debt collectors may have dozens of credit cards, some under false names, so that they may accrue debt on multiple cards simultaneously. Rival collectors may assume their enemies' identities and secretly pay off thousands of dollars of hard-earned debt, forcing their victims to go on a weekend spending spree to recover their progress.

Those who prefer not to partake in such hobbies may nonetheless use credit cards to purchase items they do not, strictly speaking, have money for. However, such practices can easily rack up debt that would instill jealousy in even the greatest collector.

The specific usage of a credit card depends on the type of card issued:

• Credit card that slowly accumulates more money for no reason at all: The most common type of credit card. When a transaction takes place, quantum dollars stick to the transferred money as it travels through econospace, eventually leading to mysterious amounts of money being owed one is quite sure one never spent in the first place.
• The zero-interest credit card: Part myth, part legend, all bullshit, this theoretical credit card charges its owner exactly a penny for every penny spent. Mostly not taken seriously anymore and only appears in first-year economics classes to prevent students from having to do actual math.
• The antimatter credit card: People love it, economists fear it; when this card is swiped, money is transferred to the owner's account while still processing as a regular sale. Unfortunately this also leads to the unfortunate side effect that, should one forget and attempt to pay one's bill, the bill would simply double in size each month until such time as its owner realizes how very silly they were for buying this card in the first place.

Easter Eggs and Glitches

As with all unnecessarily convoluted systems, the credit system is not without a few Easter eggs to be found. Mostly these are attained by going over one's "Credit Limit," defined as "the acceptable amount of shit (in dollars) one is permitted to be in with one's bank."

Such Easter eggs include:

• A sarcastic note from the owner's local bank about their "thrifty" spending habits;
• A known bug where credit scores randomly change to a value below zero;
• On Visa cards, the hologram of a bird transmutes into a disapproving face;
• Debt crushing one's soul and slowly dissolving their will to live.

The last of these has been a subject of debate for some time. While many believe it to be a bug, many banks have confirmed it to be "entirely intentional".

Acquiring a Credit Card

Since 2000, one of the most vital raw materials in the production of credit cards has become scarce, and as a result credit card production has been in decline. Banks have henceforth been rather stingy with what cards they have remaining, requiring one to go through rigorous testing and paperwork requiring at least eight forms of ID and two separate medical procedures before the applicant may even be considered. Since most people object to having their morality glands cut out and examined, banks have only issued a handful of credit cards since the stricter rules have been put in place.

Instead, most people choose the much more straightforward method of acquiring a new card: identity theft. While identity theft can be achieved through such means as pickpocketing or reconstructive surgery, studies have shown that a large portion of identity theft follows roughly the same pattern.

Identity thief (walking into bank): Hello, everyone!

Unsuspecting teller (with faked enthusiasm): Good morning!

Identity thief (with an air of familiarity): Good to see you again! It's a real pleasure to be back here, in my bank. Where I do my transactions, with all of my money, and things.

Unsuspecting teller (with an air of not giving a shit): How may I help you today?

Identity thief (with a direct violation of personal space): Well, I've run into a bit of trouble, you see. I seem to have misplaced my credit card.

Slightly suspecting teller (with an air of slight suspicion): That is a shame.

Identity thief (with reproach): So I was wondering... could I get another one?

Suspecting teller (without mercy): No.

Identity thief: Oh, come on, it's me! Phil! You know, from the bank? Phil! from the bank! I come here all the time, you know, giving you money and taking my money back and filling out those delightful little slips of yours. Oh, do you remember the time, the one time where I was writing something down - maybe it was a credit card application, I can't really remember - but I was writing it down, and then the pen, would you believe it, the pen ran out of ink! And I said to you, could I get another pen, please? And you said sure. So agreeable. So friendly. Could I get another credit card, please?