User:Djcockspank
DJ Cockspank[edit | edit source]
Born February 31st 1985, without pants in Persialand; and then again, two hours later in the Rogers Park neighborhood of Chicago, IL. DJ Cockspank has secured the aspiration of every struggling hope-to-be-popular musician’s dream and principal desire: attention.
Cockspank, like many other over-confident solo-artists, has been producing music since a very young age and is proud of it. Cockspank released his first single in cassette form under RAPE records® Chicago at the age of 2 1/2.
The Name Cockspank[edit | edit source]
DJ Cockspank inherited his title of from the great revolutionist, Lord Mebwig Cockspank of Nottingsham, no relation or kinship with DJ Cockspank whatsoever.
All that is known of Lord Cockspank was his propensity to burn the asses of chickens with the butt of his cigarettes immediately after spanking them irreverently with his father’s looking glass.
History[edit | edit source]
Cockspank began his career in music by providing piano accompaniment in local Chicagoland whorehouses for peanuts. In addition to his performance, the audience found Cockspank’s vernacular and all-to-vicarious limericks to be of the most startling amusement. This brought much needed attention towards the inner Chicagoland music scene during the late 1980s.
His completion of a 48 hour concert in Dallas and a triumphant of smoking of 37 cartons of Phillip Morris Companies™ brand cigarettes during a 10 minute wheel-barrel race interlude earned him the title of Grandmaster. The next day he was promoted in his little-tykes karate class from white to green belt for kicking his sensei in the balls.
At this time, several Hollywood artists began to take recognition in little Cockspank’s potential and kidnapped him during the international 1987 diaper competition at Bumblefuck University in Bumblefuck.
Cockspank was retrieved shortly later because of general negligence towards his concealment.
Shortly after releasing his hit 93-track album, “Reagan you Fucking Asshole!” in 1987, Cockspank was awarded an honorary excursion to the Whitehouse for a pleasant political discussion and Koolaid drinking ceremony, libations for the Cybernetic Overlord, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
This congregation betwixt a 2 year old child and the majority of the United States executive council was obviously a trap. It is believed that Cockspank was executed by secret agents before ever having left the Whitehouse. The FBI, spattered with blood and talcum powder denied accountability. President Reagan declined to comment.
In the midst of this tragedy, the American public responded in uproar and vowed in assembly to retrieve Cockspank by any means necessary. The Branch Davidian Sect of the Seventh-day Adventist Church of Waco were the first to implement action in respect to this notion. It is believed that their utilization of ninja-stealth powers, Chuck Norris' Beard and the Nike Pump™, the Davidians transcribed an ancient Macedonian ornamental scroll and resurrected Cockspank from the dead. Unbeknownst to the public, His re-existence and un-deadness was virtually anonymous until his subsequent album releases: “Exxon Made a Booboo (EP 1990), A Prayer for Jeffery Dahmer (Single 1991), and Save the Trees (Single 1992). Slowly, the public began to regain their confidence in His subsistence and returned to their much yearned for mass audio-media buying habits.
Reagan, having completed his tenure, returned to the Whitehouse in 1992 only to bestow the newly appointed president Clinton an uncompromising testicular slap in the forehead. Clinton, concussed and not knowing anything obliged his Cabinet minions to scour planet Earth for Cockspank and his allies in cahoots.
The U.S. government became aware of the secret ally during in July of 1992 after Kyle Minogue was summoned for executive questioning in Washington and was compelled by federal directive and sanction to disclose the location of the wanted underground faction. Kyle Minogue, unable to respond in any intelligent composition, used the left-most dexterous appendage of her forelimb extremity and pointed out of the Whitehouse window in the direction of 251.85392 degrees SW.
After discovering this valuable data, the U.S. government immediately settled on a massive Hi-tech assault with night-vision goggles and laser-mounted guns on various small environmentalist organizations and local anti-life activists that might have in all probability been hiding Cockspank. After 287 unsuccessful attempts with totaling causalities of 50-83,000 (Federal Statistic), the U.S. government recoiled their offensive and resorted strictly to information gathering. President Clinton responded in angst, “Why in the Goddamn Hell didn’t we do this in the first place!”
To cover up the massive causalities incurred during this week long interim of slaughter; it is assumed that the FBI painted body’s of the deceased a whitish-black color and flew them via Federal Express to the Republic of Rwanda in Central Africa for further handling. These arguments are all speculative and this media source does not acknowledge its authenticity nor does it assert any speculative claims made in the process.
The whereabouts of Cockspank at this time are purely inscrutable and in all honesty less worthy of delving into research than the puzzling deaths of famous musicians such as Tupac Shakur or John Lennon.
DJ Cockspank's latests works was released a year later in 1993 entitled, "It’s All for You and the Quarter You Give me for Videogames."
Noteworthy Appraisals[edit | edit source]
Probably the most influential artist and innovator of his time
-Time Magazine
A true American Hero and father of our homeland
-Nelson Mandela
A true friend
- Martin Sheen
A true friend
- Charlie Sheen
Like...
- Kyle Minogue
Even after all his struggles, successes and retrospective influences he still refuses to wipe.
- Ann Landers
Discography[edit | edit source]
Singles:
- 1987: Cockspankin’ our way to freedom
- 1987: Suck on Pinky (cassette)
- 1991: A Prayer for Jeffery Dahmer
- 1992: Save the Trees (feat. Kyle Minogue)
EPs:
- 1990: Exxon Made a Booboo
LPs:
- 1987: Reagan you Fucking Asshole! (featuring hit single “Suck on Pinky!”)
- 1993: It’s All for You and the Quarter You Give me for Videogames
Filmography[edit | edit source]
Kindergarten Cock (1990) Kid who fell down