User:Deaglan1985/Ballycastle

Ballycastle is a small town on the north coast of "northern ireland", also referred to as "the occupied 6 counties", or "the black north".

Most famous for its dulse and yella' man, and the annual lammas fair (gypo festival), the town is inhabited by a nice mix of catholics, protestants, druggies and underage drinkers. Historically the town is known to be a friendly, mixed religion community, however, in the months of june, july and august the town is infested with crime, social dissobediance and sectarianism, ----> cos lets face it, thats what belfasties do when they "holiday" (take over) a small sea side town.

Holiday Season

During these dark days, locals fled to the safe suburbs of carey and ballintoy, local mining villages known for their thriving economies and good guiness, to avoid the plague of the belfasties, who swoop in and eat all the food from the golden chip and flash in the pan, condemning the locals to eat from the kebab king. This is a clever ploy by the belfasties, because once all the locals are stricken by food poisoning, or bird flu or whatever, the takeover really begins. Horrifically, they begin by dressing up in their usual holiday attire - for the men; track suits and baseball caps, and for the women; track suits and HUGE hooped earings, and dont forget the pram with little baby shiniqua infront. Then they set about walking the streets with their arsenal of blue bags and wkd, picking fights, breaking windows and looking for fresh walls to re-decorate. A lovely bunch.

To add to the problems in poor old Ballycastle we have the 'swingers' of the town. These usually consist of so called 'pillars of society' who are too busy shagging in the Antrim Arms to actually do something for the town. The counsellors spend most of their time wiping the s*** of eachothers chin to see the real problems in the town. We often blame the city folk for the problems in Ballycastle but this is only a form of transference in which the top dogs or the 'upper class' are really responsible.

Also we have the many backstabbing females in the town or are often found leaching on to any married man in trousers, most of the women are also married too. The younger generation aren't much better, as the saying goes "the apple never falls far from the tree". They feed off the misery of others and enjoy spreading malicious gossip so their days are that much more bearable. Perhaps some therapy would do the people of Ballycastle the world of good and maybe they will actually stop living in their wee bubble and actually stop talking about other people and do something more constructive with their time.

So please come visit Ballycastle, it really is a shit hole!hhh

Local Sports

Ballycastle is also known for its truely brilliant McQuillans GAC hurling and football club. Unsurprisingly hailed as "the best team in the world" by Timmy Mooney, age 2, the black and amber boys are easily one of the best teams in antrim, competing at the highest level and beating Loughgiel and Dunloy all the time. With their unique selection policy, "your not in the team if your not a Donnelly/McShane/McGarry..etc.. " nothing can stop their ascention to the pinaccle of irish hurling. Contrary to other reports. The camogie team, (the girls) are also brilliant. The Gaelic Footballers, Brilliant. Is this the truth? Well the girls are good, the men can barely beat Carey (by far the better team) and the gaelic team isnt bad, shocker.

Pub Culture

There are many pubs in Ballycastle, all with different owners and clientelle.

• The Glenshesk - Owned by Ciaran "Super" McIroy, most noted for its awesome beer garden and scariness of some of the staff, dont start a fight, youll be killed. (GUINESS RATING - 7)
• Harbour Bar - Owned by some wierd old man - Came 2nd in the most boring pub contest. Just a shadow of its more lively former self, all youll find in there is the local pizzeria owner liam the alcoholic, grumpy farmers and dirty glasses (GUINESS RATING - 4)
• The Central Bar - Owned by a simple minded couple philip and gemma - This is where the snobs sit around and finger each others arses! If you get turned its because youll make the place look bad sorry! Central bar a "No-Go"(GUINESS RATING - 6)
• The Antrim Arms - if you like your bar staff witty and abusive this is the pub for you (GUINESS RATING - 10)
• McKeagues - Owned by a small man McKeague - A mans bar, filled with protestant.. men. Who play pool badly. (GUINESS RATING - 7)
• Wee Toms - Owned by Tom and Eileen - The oldest pub in the town, imported from dublin in 1999. (GUINESS RATING - 6)
• The Boyd Arms - Owned By Paul McAuley Culkin - The only place in town where your garunteed to meet the same 8 people any time you go in. (GUINESS RATING - 6)
• The Diamond Bar - Owned by Charlie "I'll burst ye" McVeigh- Recently renovated to become one of the most popular bars in the town alongside O'Connors. Full of "Craic" but owned by a complete wanker (GUINESS RATING - 7)
• O'Connors Bar - Owned By Cormac - One of the most popular Bars in the town. Always bunged, very hot and stuffy, the ira frequently hold jambourees here. (GUINESS RATING - 8)
• Top of the Town - Owned by Shan "the man" McGinn - Known for its old, rustique, untouched decor. In here you will find lovely people, a homely atmosphere, and cocaine. (GUINESS RATING - shit)
• Tessies - Owned by Terrence "The Twat" Bakewell - The local cresch. Usually a group of volunteers, (men 40-60), valiently give up their precious friday and saturday nights at home with their wives and families to babysit (perve on) all the 14-17 year olds who get served on a regular basis. (GUINESS RATING - 5)

Also not exactly in the town but most of ballycastle's children head here at the weekend to get airlocked its Hunters Bar if your under 14 this is the ideal place to get off your fried eggs and pick yourself up an adult for a 1 minute wonder!!! (GUINESS RATING - U MUST BE UNDER 14)

People to watch out for

'Patsy V' - The local gay-dee-jay. Made most noticable by his bald head and MASSIVE dark eyebrows, he will either talk you to death, or bum ye.

Ryan Morgan - Father of 5647 illigitimate children. Provides for none of them, however the one he does claim ironically isn't his. Also provides dope and E's for half the town while we tax payers support his children. A proper Scumbag with a family to match. The Morgan clan in general are the most understated (underground) and avid supporters of the drugs trade throughout the town, with a possible promotion through the clan ranks the more young people you get hooked.

14 Year Olds

At the weekends, when school has recessed, the town becomes alive. Drivers of corsas, boras, 306's etc cruise the town up and down, looking for young girls to prey upon. As most of the young girls 15+ are frequenting tessies, it is up to the 14 year olds to pick up the slack, walking the streets, making themselves "available" to be picked up by the beautiful male specimans sad enough to drive 45 miles a night in a town 2 miles long.

In Summary

If your looking for a nice seaside town, with a thriving local economy which has not yet been invaded by the multinational nazi organisation that is tescos, Ballycastle is the town for you!