User:Darth Gangsta/Army of the Pharaohs
“BRAP BRAP!What's the deal, cousin?!”
“I'm afraid.”
Army of The Pharaohs is a hip-hop supergroup, terrorist organization, satanic cult, and baked goods distribution company comprised of various dark-skinned men with hats worn at odd angles and obese white muslims. Lyrical content is as varied as it is philosophical, with topics ranging from murder,to torture, to selling drugs, to baking, and even murder. Their song titles are just as interesting with entries such as "The Days of Bloody Reckoning with a Side of Apocalyptic Rape-Death" and "Prison-shank Lovesong".
Origin[edit | edit source]
AOTP was founded during the bleak days of the 1990s, which were marked by rampant war and Jim Carrey. Italian-American rapper/Jedi Vincenzo Luvineri, aka Ikon the Verbal Hologram, aka Vinnie Paz, aka Big Louie Doggs, aka Osama Vin Laden, aka Super Vintendo, aka Irritable Bowel Vindrome, aka RumplestiltsVin, ad infinitum, decided that hip-hop music simply wasn't violent or hateful enough. He gathered his contacts in the world of hip-hop, Islamic terrorist groups, baked goods distribution, and supervillainy in order to create a small army of emcees to overtake hip-hop with gritty lyrics, multi-layered beats, and most importanty baked goods. The sheer size of the group inspired the first word of their name, "Army". The second portion, "of the Pharaohs", was chosen based on Mahmoud Ahma-Vin-ijad's love of Egyptian culture, which stems from his favorite shape, the pyramid. His mighty army complete, Vindows '95 began his campaign of lyrical terror and his assault on family values, Jesus, faggotry, women, and leaving the toilet seat down.
Members[edit | edit source]
Army of the Pharaohs is an equal opportunity hate group, and includes members of every color except rainbow(gay). There are perhaps thousands of Pharaoh emcees in existence, with more being discovered every day beyond the original 150. Here are some of the known rappers in AOTP:
- Ste-Vin Hawking
- Jus Allah
- Peezo the Human Lawnmower
- Simba the Boy Lion
- Big Dick Willie Cocules, Raper of The Weak, on Parole For Ripping the Tag off a Mattress with His Cock
- Crypt the Warchild
- Filcho the Manlady
- Karlos the Cantankerous Casio Casanova
- Old Greg, aka O-Grizzle
- Richard "Iceman" Kuklinski
- Soup The Enema Of Mankind
* A group of very amazing people.
Fandom[edit | edit source]
AOTP fans are hard to come by, as most people who actually find them are murdered with seemingly innocuous household objects shortly thereafter. Unsurprisingly, they have a large following in the Tarterian Depths of Carceri, The Nine Hells of Baator, Afghanistan, and Detroit.
The most hardcore, although smallest, demographic of AOTP fandom is that of suburban mothers, who wish to vent their frustrations towards domestic abuse and their obnoxious children through the violent and highly sexual lyrics of the Pharaohs. Of course, if you ask Just-Vin Timberlake who AOTP's fans are, he will tell you "Any mothafucka who doesn't wanna get stabbed in the bladder with a dagger and die in piss." No one has disputed this claim thus far. Several celebrities are known to bump AOTP's tracks from time to time, including Cthulhu and Barack Obama. In a nutshell, AOTP fans are almost anyone with evil intentions and no soul.
Debut Album[edit | edit source]
Army of the Pharoahs had been unable to land an album contract until the year 2006, when frontman G.G. Al-Vin decided to take his recordings to Babygrande records. The agent initially rejected the band's music recordings, but his position was reversed eagerly when Vin Jong Il tore out the intestines of the agent's secretary with his teeth. Babygrande records agreed to give 100% of all revenue to Mike Tys-Vin and his Pharaoh compatriots. To celebrate the agreement, Josef Stal-Vin snapped the CEO of Babygande in half and threw his children out of a nearby window. The other Pharaohs burned down a Catholic girls' school and shot the fleeing survivors. Once the joyous revelry was over, the group began compiling their album, entitled The Almighty Bakers of Your Children and Their Unfathomable Torture Devices. These are the songs featured on the album:
- Kanye West's Epitaph
- Bake You Into A Pie Of Human Bodies
- Battle Anthem of The Serial Rapist
- Gay People Suck, and So Do You!
- Raining Chainsaws
- Riding a Pterodactyl Through The Vatican Whilst Stabbing The Pope With A Broken Guitar
- All I Want For Christmas is a Gun That Shoots Knives
- Garrote You With Your Entrails
- The Joy of Waterboarding
- I Heart Cupcakes
- Shotgun Vasectomy
- Feed Niggaz To My Platypus
The album was very well received by people who didn't want to die, as well as a few sociopaths who actually related to it. A few uninformed/suicidal people criticized the album, chief amongst them Fred Phelps. Mr. Phelps was subsequently kidnapped and fed his own brain by AOTP's founder Qui-Gon Vin. When asked about this incident, the Pazmanian devil replied, "I happen to be a lover of cinema, particularly the Hannibal Lecter series. I thought the way that Anthony Hopkins fed Ray Liotta his brain captured the beautiful sentiment of Thomas Harris' novel, and I wished to recreate that moment. In fact, I will be feeding Mr. Phelps' family to feral boars this afternoon over a cup of tea." Yeah, I wish no one had asked him about that, too.