User:DandolfSmitler

Dandolf Smitler - Sponsored by Henleys & Co.

His life

During his early life, Dan Smith was a keen neonazi, this then led to him believing himself to be the infamous Adolf Hitler. Although he calls himself Dandolf Smitler, the link is considerable. Upon education at Mamby Lodge Infant School, he suffered a serious metartarsal fracture on his right foot (he was right footed), this led to him playing left wing and being left footed. Because of this he is said to have feminine feet and has said "stilettos are comfortable." This in turn led to him being an outcast, being called such names as gypsyface and the king of the gypsies.

Dandolf had a traumatic childhood. His beloved Chelski were 'balls'. During this period he saught refuge through his idols, Ahbraham and Moses. His religious views took a sudden turn when he switched to Islam. His view of Allah is apparantly close to a young Peter Andre. He is alledged to have caused the break-up of Katie and Peter.

His latest public shock was whern he released his Two Germans One Pole porn video. He is also a savant because of his ability to not be able to do everyday simple things such as tieing his laces and putting on a jumper. However no exceptional ability to remember or learn has been reported yet.

His mother is Susan Boyle, public celebrity for her fame on ITV's Britain's Got Talent. Her song 'I Dreamed A Dream' was influenced and written by Dandolf. (See below).

I dreamed a dream in time gone by.

When hope was high and life worth living.

I dreamed that love would never die.

I dreamed that God would be forgiving.

Then I was young and unafraid.

And dreams were made and used and wasted.

There was no ransom to be paid.

No song unsung, no wine untasted.

But the tigers come at night.

With their voices soft as thunder.

As they turn your hope apart.

As they turn your dreams to shame.

And still I dream he’d come to me.

That we would live the years together.

But there are dreams that cannot be.

And there are storms we cannot weather.

I had a dream my life would be.

So different from the hell I’m living.

So different now from what it seemed.

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

His sexuality is still unknown after repeated attempts to find out using various doctors, tecniques and X-Rays. It is assumed that he is asexual and his anotomy is more closely related to the common sunflower than Homo Sapien. Of course this cannot be known until he is transferred to London Zoo for captivity to try and encourage him to breed.

It is also known that he uses his toes to write, as his arms are in fact his legs, his body is amazingly out of proportion. His ears are famous for the fact that they move around his cranium due to their advanced under-skin toes which grip the skull to move, currently one is on his neck and the other is on his forehead.

He has a phobia of socks. Go behind him with a sock in hand and be prepared for a flying nut.

He is castrated.

Because of his belief of himself being Adolf Hitler, he believed Tim Lammers, a Bolivian, to be Stalin and so hates him. Among sight of him he will shout "Rotterdam" to get Tim's response of "London mate, London." This will usually continue until Smit gets punched or a spontaneous erection.

He celebrated his brithday on the 5th of July where he became 15 years old. He played Doodlejump.

Recent studies of Dan at Cambridge University showed him to be, amazingly, the last known descendent of King Soloman, the king of the Jews. The rumours arose after allegations that his nose was an exact replica of Shylock the Jew. Upon arrival at the Surgury, where he recieved the false nose, he requested to have a replica nose of the great entrpreneur Shylock who Dan claimed to have 'Pecs to die for.' The news was uncovered after he claimed to be related to the Virgin Mary. He has an obsession with Madonna's personal trainer, Pierre Gomez Rodrigez.

Dan was brought into custody by the Metropolitan Police after.

He claimed to be the 13th disciple of Jesus Christ. He has since requested training to become a Catholic Priest at St. Mary's Church. Reports that he has struggled with Christening have arose, claiming he charged $12.28 per kilogram that the person weighs. This recent claim caused controversy, especially within the Vatican. The current Pope was quoted saying: "I'll punch him in the, I'll punch him in the fuckin' balls."

Dan was allegedly brought up in the African country of Gambia. From the age of 2 years until 6 years, he had approximately 31 wives, all of them Gambian. He had somewhere around 82 children and the amount of grandchildren is a matter of guessing.

He has recently contracted The Plague in his left wrist, GP's say it could be due to excessive recreational masturbation or semi-sexual relations with indonesian wombats.

According to widespread reports, Dan's brain is made of 30% orange juice, 20% semen and 2% clitoris. The rest is assumed to be fertilised female egg cells.

He has been suffering with thrush repetidely on and off for six years. He got herpes while in Barcelona, the alleged benefactor of this STI is said to be Tito Jackson, of the Jackson Five. He believes that he will be reincarnated as a Lime and Coconut flavoured condom, he also believes the owner of this condom will be Vanessa Feltz.

He is currently at The University of Surrey, taking a PhD in feline vaginas. He has just finished the terms essay on Clitoris'. A string of local occurances have led to Dan being found in local hairdressers, smearing faeces on the walls.

During his weekly mental therepy sessions in Hammersmith, London, his psychiatrist, a Dr Isaac Hunt, it was discovered that he has no soul at all. This has shed new light on the suspicions that he murdered camels in his youth.

He has recently become the 'King of the Retards' (department mentor for special needs), this sudden and frankly rash decision was the result of intoxicated superiors. He is said to be a "Role model for the... not so bright... er, hes just a role model." - A quote from Mr Findlater when asked about this abomination.

Expert on gangs and brethren J Weezy has studied Dandolf's erratic behaviour and has concluded that he is a prominant member of B.D.C (Blast Dem Crew). Other members of B.D.C from Dandolf's school are:

Kurtley Findlater A.K.A Task'Z / Chris Turner A.K.A Hench and a half / Mafair A.K.A The Dealer / Charlie R's mum A.K.A Bits 'n' Bobs / Grizzle A.K.A J Wiggzy

His worshipping of gypsy magic was been a successful one for Dandolf, he has risen to the rank of Gypsy King with him only worshipping the Gypsy Lord, the Esher High school tie. He has certain rituals in the morning, only donning it when in school or occasionally on the bus (514).

At the age of 15, Dan has already been hired as the editor for OK! Magazine. The team were said to have wanted him because he's a 'gossipy little shit' and knows everything about everyone. His knowledge of others is extreme and supernatural. He is particularly aware of goings-on at Heathside secondary school.

Dandolf has recently been attracted to the Jedi Religion after a trip to Sydney, Australia. His inititation caused him to cup a gorilla's testicles for at least 5 seconds but Dandolf proceeded to cup them (using both hands) for 3 minutes and 44 seconds. Elavating him to the status of Jedi Master with his Jedi name being Htims Nads or, Tim's Nads. He is now undoubtedly Tim Lammers' bitch on many levels. He has lost countless scuffles with Tim, resulting in countless metartarsal fractures which Dan recovers from in hours, if not days.

Dandolf Smitler, after uncovering a 20th century family tree in a German bunker, discovered that he is a close relative of the late Ronald McDonald. Upon the news of this Dandolf visited his local McDonalds at Walton-on-Thames and ordered his trademark Big Tasty and Double Cheeseburger, then infusing them, removing the buns of the double cheeseburger and combining it with the Big Tasty, of course removing the tomatoes, saying that they are "the firm, healthy testicles of Satan."

Dan, a well known gypsy shaman uses his mystical abilities to heal himself when injuries are sustained to himself. The most well known act has been when he spectacularly broke his metartarsal. This injury takes a minimum of six weeks to recover from however Dan rummaged aroung through his magic book and recovered in no less than forty-eight hours.

His education was traumatic, unstable but yet oddly unadequate due to his need for banter. For work experience he worked at Walton Leigh, during his two weeks there he rose quickly among the ranks, becoming prefect in three days, senior prefect in six days and finally becoming head boy in twelve days, knocking former head boy Alex Ewan off the top spot. He eventually had to give up his beloved position due to excessive use of racial slurs and disregard of teaching staff such as Mr E.John and Mr C.Richards who was quoted to say: "Yeah, he's a good lad, a bit racist but, you know, who isn't?"

He has confessed to being sexually inadequate, "I've just lost my mojo lads." He has expressed sincere wishes of adoption with his ideal child being a infant form of either Ade Akinbiyi or Mario Balotelli.