User:Danberbro/Noam Elkies

This might be Noam Elkies, but he's not Chinese enough.

Noam Elkies is some jerk who has his own article on Wikipedia, but you've probably never heard of him. I'd never heard of him either, until I clicked the "random article" link on Wikipedia, and it redirected me to his article. I read it, and it sucked. I mean, it was badly written, didn't have a discussion page, |horrible formatting, it just sucked. Of course, I haven't been back there for a few months, but I'm sure it's still just as sucky. I mean, it's not like there's anything new to write about on it. If Noam Elkies had done anything worth mentioning that could be added to the article, it would have been in the newspaper, or at least on NPR. I mean, those hippie freaks report everything, especially on the local news part, you know? Like, "Local Woman Discovers Alternate Uses for Zuchinni." And it wasn't even anything sexual. That sucked. Anyway, I'm sure Noam Elkies would have gotten a mention if he'd done anything. But, no. He hasn't done anything and he still has an article on Wikipedia. I mean, even I don't have an article on Wikipedia, and you all know who I am. I mean, seriously, c'mon. Fuck this, I'm gonna get a muffin.

Ok, I'm back.

That's more like it.

That muffin sucked. It would have been good but the woman I bought it from sort of smiled at me when I bought it, so I got nervous that she had poisoned it or something, so I boiled it before I ate it, and then it was too hot, so I had to put in the freezer. Anyway, so Noam Elkies has a stupid name, too. I mean, Elkies. It sounds Chinese or something. Like, "Oh, hey, Noam Elkies, can you go get me some eggrolls? BECAUSE YOU'RE CHINESE!!!! I hope someday I meet Noam Elkies just so I can say that. I bet he would cry. Like a little girl.

And here's Noam Elkies crying. Cry, bitch, cry.

And besides, Noam Elkies's initials are NE, which can stand for New England, so he’s probably left China to move to New England, and now he’s like a volvo-driving, granola-crunching, gay-marrying, hemp-growing liberal hippie moron, who I could kill in like, four seconds with my potato cannon. Actually, the article on Wikipedia said that he was the youngest Harvard professor ever, so I guess he's not a moron. But I bet he's still like one of those guys who's really "book smart," but isn't at all "street smart," like all those fucking Chinese science kids. Like, I bet he's never even gotten to first base with a girl. Or even a guy. Because he's probably gay. I mean, "Noam Elkies." He fucking HAS to be gay. That little bitch. That muffin was disgusting. Fuck you, Noam Elkies. Burn in hell, or whatever fucking afterlife you and your pagan Chinese friends believe in.

P.S.

The letters in your name can be reearanged to spell "senile amok," cause you're losing your mind and running around. Or "alien smoke," cause you get high off of all that hemp, and I bet you're an illegal immigrant. Or "eel skin mao," cause you like Chinese foods like sushi, and you're a commie. Or "man seek oil" cause you're trying to jack up gas prices because of so called "Global Warming." Or "eskimo lane," cause you should just go move to Canada and get yourself killed by a polar bear. Or "seamen kilo," cause you've barely got any sperm, and you can't even spell it right. Or "so mine leak," cause that's probably why you're missing all of that sperm.

By the way,

Human billiards would be pretty fucking sweet. But Jesus does this article fucking suck.