User:DJ Irreverent/UnScripts:Trent Barker, Private Eye

Trent Barker, Private Eye (1957) was a short running radio serial that enthralled listeners around the world with its snappy plots, amazing twists and clever interpretation of current events. Created by Panaram-o-Sound and filmed in Mono-O-Phon-O-Audi-O it was one of the most technologically advanced programs on the air, it's amazing audio effects took years to produce but they were realistic enough to send whole mid-western towns into a state of panic.

First aired in 1957 in rural Iowa, the serial's potent real-life lessons held listeners en rapt, while its witty yet dark hero became a cult figure among pre-pubecent girls and middle-aged women alike. Considered a great role model for boys Trent Barker became the first fictional character to receive a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. As Trent Barker, Private Eye fitted nicely in between dinner and bedtime it became a regular family activity to sit in front of the radio listening to the wholesome serial.

Opening Scene

Last week we left our hero in a bit of a sticky situation.

Trent Barker: Err… ahh. We appear to be stuck in some kind of honey.

Buzz buzz buzz

Lucy: Oh no Trent, here come the killer bees. We surely can not escape!

Trent Barker: Don’t worry doll face, I have something up my sleeve.

Buzz Crash BANG Burrr BOOOOMM Ka-zam AAAAAAAA Burrrzzz-

Lucy: Oh Trent you’re so brave, how you defeated those killer bees sigh

Trent Barker: Yes tootz, they won’t be buzzing round here any more.

Laughter

Lucy: But the Bee-keeper is getting away!

Trent Barker: He won't get away with stealing all those bees.

thud

Trent Barker: He wont Bee going anywhere.

More laughter

Trent Barker, world famous private eye, ladies man and proud Camel Strong smoker, helping to keep our streets rid of undesirables.

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Trent Barker: So that’s when I grabbed the peeping tom and gave him what for with the lead pipe I always have at hand. The only way he’ll be spying on our innocent American women is if they have a ramp by their window.

Laughter

Barman: Have another Jack Daniels for protecting our great American way of life.

Later that evening, on the way back to his apartment Trent notices something isn’t right.

Trent Barker: Hey you, what are you doing out here so late at night. Shouldn’t you kids be inside watching Lucy?

Beatnik 1: Woow man, chill out

Beatnik 2: Yeah don’t have a heart attack, man.

Trent Barker: Children your age shouldn’t be smoking at this time of night… hey that doesn’t smell like the fresh taste of Camel strong…

Beatnik 1: Yeah man, it’s like grass, duh.

Trent Barker: Grass is for cows. You should only be smoking the fine cut tobacco of the Camel Cooperation!

Beatnik 2: Woow man, make peace not wa-

Bang, crash, boom

Missing

The next morning our hero sits down for a hearty American breakfast of bacon, eggs, hash-browns, toast, cereal, beans, sausages, pancakes, oatmeal, coffee and orange-juice, while reading the local news.

Trent Barker: Dang commies had it coming!... a doggy PHD, whatever is next?

Lucy: So how are you enjoying breakfast honey?

Trent Barker: Dammit Lucy, how many times do I have to say; don't let the bacon and eggs touch!

Lucy: Oh Trent, you’re so perceptive.

Trent Barker: Listen, it’s the phone.

Silence

Trent Barker: The phone.

Oh.. Ring-ring ring-ring

Trent Barker: Hello

The Chief: BAAAAARRRKKEERR get down to the station immediately!

A short time later, down at the police station…

The Chief: Read the headline.

Trent Barker: Bow Wow; local dog gets PHD

The Chief: Below the dang dog.

Trent Barker: Local musicians beaten up by vigilante.

The Chief: Dammit Barker you’re a loose cannon, another one like that and you’re off the force.

Trent Barker: But they were loitering round the fountain… un-American loitering.

The Chief: No buts. We’ve got another case, and this time I want to see results. The fisherman’s daughter has gone missing, we’ve compiled a list of suspects.

Crash

The Chief: That list was 50 hours of police work!

Trent Barker: Who needs a list when you’ve got - dun dun - Intuition!

The Chief: BAAAAARRRKKEERR

Asking, Questioning, Probing

That afternoon, back at Trent’s apartment…

Trent Barker: Lucy, we’ve got a case to solve. Or I’ve got a case to solve and you can come along.

Lucy: Oh Trent, you’re so smart.

Trent Barker: The fisherman’s daughter has been brutally abducted, probably by communists… or aliens - dun dun - or Communist Aliens!

That evening Trent was doing some investigating down at the Fish port…

Trent Barker: So how about you and I come back to my apartment and have a thorough cross examination?

Floozy: Why what big hands you have!

Trent Barker: That’s not the only big thing I have…

Bordello Owner: Dammit Trent, just pay if you want her.

Trent Barker: Er.. um.. where was the last place you saw the fisherman’s daughter?

Floozy: Driving past that house near the swamp.

Lucy: Oh Trent, you’re so clever, quizzing her fellow workers like that.

Trent Barker: Yes.. Quizzing... So toots, d'you find the Fisherman?

Lucy:

Trent Barker: Something smells fishy about this...

Flowers of Deduction

That night, back at the bar...

Trent Barker: Those dang commies were back, polluting our great American fountain!

Barman: Wha- you mean those beatniks round by the square? They can really get it going with those bongo drums of theirs.

Trent Barker: Spouting their Bolshevik songs of war...

Barman: But they sing about peace and flowers and sh-

Trent Barker: Corrupting our children's minds like that... filthy unpatriotic communist sympathizers!

Barman: Yeah… er… well how you going on that case of the Fisherman’s missing daughter?

Trent Barker: Well I’ve narrowed it down, she went missing over by the swamp. That could only mean she was taken by – dun dun – Communists!

Barman: Strange, I thought she was moving to Jersey… maybe you should check with the fisherman.

Trent Barker: No, that’s a stupid idea. I’ve got an idea… I’ll check with the fisherman.

Barman: That was my id-

Trent Barker: Shut up and get me another Daniels, Tony.

Barman: My name's not Tony-

Trent Barker: Get me another whiskey dammit!

Later that night, Trent was having trouble sleeping…

Thud, thump, toss, turn

Trent Barker: Something’s troubling me Lucy.

Lucy: What is it Trent?

Trent Barker: If the fisherman’s daughter was heading to Jersey… shouldn’t she be heading in the opposite direction to the swamp…

Lucy: Oh Trent, you’re so… um.. er.. deductive!

Trent Barker: I am going to pay the fisherman a little visit… Lucy, pass me my smooth, flavorsome Camel Strongs!

Lucy: You mean those tangy Camel Strongs every true American enjoys, now with double the tar?

Trent Barker: The very same ones...

Fishing For Secrets

Using his powers of deduction and sign reading, Trent located the location of the fisherman’s location, The Fisherman’s Shack.

Trent Barker: Hello Fisherman, or should I call you – dun dun - Comrade Fisherman.

Fisherman: Bwahh.. oh good its you Trent. I was wondering if you could help this old man find his daughter, she was meant to call me two days ago, but nothing.

Trent Barker: Call you with what? The nuclear secrets from the plant over near the swamp, perhaps?

Dun dun

Fisherman: Wha- what are you talking about?

Trent Barker: In Communist Russia fish catches you, if you catch my drift.

Fisherman: I just want to find my missing daughter.

Trent Barker: But you know exactly where she is, you filthy communist!

Fisherman: No?

Trent Barker: Before you came I took the liberty of searching your shack and what did I find?

Dun-dun

A map of the swamp with directions to the plant!

Fisherman: I need that map to fish over near there, the fish are much bigger out that way.

Trent Barker: Don't lie, socialist scum!

Bang

Fisherman: Ow! My leg! You shot my leg!

Trent Barker: You had it coming, trying to spoil our great American way of life.

Thud

Trent Barker: Now its time to catch the other communist traitor!

Out!

Our hero had stopped one of the communists, but not everyone was happy…

The Chief: BAAAAARRRKKKEEEERRR get in here! Now!

Trent Barker: Chief.

The Chief: What do you call this?

Trent Barker: Protecting our precious nuclear secrets from the communists.

The Chief: No! You shot the Fisherman in the leg.

Trent Barker: But he was a communist...

The Chief: Oh its always the communists with you. When the Thompson's bin was turned over it was a "global communist conspiricy", when that swear word was written on the toilet door it was socialists. Get you and your crazy ideas outta here. Hand over your badge!

Trent Barker: You can take my badge, but I will solve this case...

The Chief: Hey, there are teeth marks on the badge?

Trent Barker: Ahh.. I thought it was made of chocolate.

sigh

That evening a bitter Trent sat in the bar...

Trent Barker: If only I could prove I was right...

Barman: Maybe if you go out to the swamp and find some evidence the chief will believe you?

Trent Barker: No, thats a ridiculous idea... hey I know, if I go out to the swamp and find some evidence, the chief will have to believe me!

Barman: No shi-

So our here Trent and sidekick Lucy hop in their black Chevy and drive to the swamp...

Lucy: Oh Trent, going to the swamp where the Fisherman's daughter was last seen, you're so unconventional!

Trent Barker: Yes, we're lookin' for evidence, communist evidence.

Lucy: Oh Trent it's so dark and creepy

aawoooooo aaawooooo, rustle, rustle

Trent Barker: Don't worry doll face, Trent Barker will protect you!

Lucy: What's that sound?

Trent Barker: You mean that whistling i've been hearing for ages?

silence

Trent Barker: That Whistling...

oh... doo doo doo

Trent Barker: Why it's Jose, the town janitor, gardener, shelf packer, abattoir cleaner, fast-food cook, street sweeper, baby-sitter... what are you doing out here?

Jose: Ola. De governmen' try to depor' me back to Mexico, but Jose just come right back!

Trent Barker: Ha ha, keep on doing our lowly underpaid work!

Lucy: Shouldn't you ask him what he's seen?

Trent Barker: No, he's just a stupid foreigner, he wouldn't understand anything I tell him!

Lucy: Wait, look over there!

Trent Barker: You mean that upturned car I saw over an hour ago?

Lucy: Look inside, there's someone moving!

Have our hero's found the Fisherman's daughter? Will Trent save the town from the communist scourge? Will Jose get another job as a garbage man? Will the beatniks get another tune to play on their bongo drums? Tune in after this short break.

Radi-O-Oven

A mother knows what's best for her family, and every mother knows that food cooked by gamma rays is the healthiest food. So General Electric has created the amazing one-of-a-kind Radi-O-Oven. It cooks food with its amazing one-of-a-kind radioactive core made out of the finest American uranium - just like in our warheads!

How does it work? Well here is the deeply scientific explanation; The happy rays given off by the core pass through the meal when placed in the oven, charging the happy ions inside to create Vitamin H (or healthy!).

Almost anything can be placed in the oven; cakes, turkeys for thanksgiving, hams, roasts, fruit, even water, and they will all come out with a healthy green tinge!

Radi-o-Oven; A mother knows, nuclear cooked is healthy cooked!

Solved?

When we left our hero, he had just stumbled on the location of the missing daughter. Does this mean the case is solved?

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Girl: Help, help, I've been stuck here for days!

Lucy: Oh Trent, its the fisherman's daughter!

Trent Barker: Yes - dun dun - The same daughter who has been spying on our wonderful new nuclear reactor!

Girl: What?! I've both my legs are broken, I've been like this for days.

Trent Barker: Then what is this? dun dun

Girl: That's my microwave.

Trent Barker: For transmitting signals to the Soviet base on the moon?

Girl: For cooking food.

Trent Barker: Food like Vodka? While you shave your mustache!

Girl: No! No! No! I was driving to Jersey when the car swerved off the road and crashed.

Trent Barker: But Jersey is the other direction!

Girl: I was taking a short cut.

Trent Barker: Oh yes... very likely, communist scum.

we-ow we-ow we-ow

Trent Barker: Ha. The police are here, now lets see who they believe.

The Chief: Good work Barker, we would never have thought to look around where the fisherman's daughter was last seen. Its that kind of unconventional thinking we need on our force. Welcome back.

Trent Barker: Thanks chief, you can count on me to bring all those filthy communists to justice!

The Chief: Yeah... communists.

Wherever there is crime, he'll be there, wherever groups of youths linger around doing nothing to harm society, he'll be there, wherever they can legally serve copious amounts of whiskey, he'll be there. Because he is Trent Barker, private eye.

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