User:DJ Irreverent/Really Big Experiment Page for stuff
Cereal[edit | edit source]
Ever since the dawn of time, man has desired to compress all forms of food stuff into tiny shapes that can be poured from a box. It is this intelligence that separates us from the animals; animals hunt their prey for hours, employing complex tactics to outwit their prey; Man simply pours it out of a box.
The first so called breakfast cereals can be found documented in remarkably detailed cave paintings. Though tasty, these were not particularly convenient; Mammoth Muesli was notoriously difficult to pour, taking over 50 people countless hours to
The first recorded cereals can be found on cave paintings in the South of France. The surprisingly familiar looking paintings rather accurately document the price, . Even back in the stone-age, children enjoyed settling down to a hearty breakfast of "Urgs" or "Gunk-Os”
Little has changed over the years; the slogans are equally as bad, the products themselves are equally as bland.
?, BC: Me eat Bur Bits, Me do big club, Me do lots thump-thump. Bur like Bur-Bits.
Strangely this slogan was considered to be the first double entendre in history, the decency league took exception and – just like today – everyone ignored them.
| Year | Product | Slogan | Analysis |
|---|---|---|---|
| 16,000, BC: | Bur Bits | Me eat Bur Bits, Me do big club, Me do lots thump-thump. Bur like Bur-Bits. | Strangely this slogan was considered to be the first double entendre in history, the decency league took exception and – just like today – everyone ignored them.
Bur Bits was the first ever cereal to be endorsed by a celebrity - Bur, 3 times hitting stuff clan champion - a cynical move to expand into the lucrative Neanderthal market. Since then everyone from petty criminals to presidents have put their faces on cereal boxes, but none with more success than President Nixon, who's Lil' Nixons became a symbol of the 70s. The ImPeachment flavor was particularly good... mmm scandal. |
| 1346, AD: | Ye Olde Medievale Museliee | Ye Nobleth Foodeth for ye Surfeth | Noble? How could you possibly call bones, plague infested rats and human waste noble? Well this was the first known use of mis-advertising, something which became a staple throughout the industry and delivered such gems as Just Wright; Gives you the power to fly! [1], Nazi-Nummiez; Goes great with juice! [2] and Alberto Gonzalez' Shredded Documents; I do not recall the taste of the particular product I may or may not be advertising. [3] |
| 1847, AD | O’ Baileys | Errs der Awwcowoicss Blekffsst | You may not know it, but that slogan tells you the sugar content, a plug for their latest competition and a 150 word anti – English poem in iambic pentameter; sadly only 3 people in Galway understand it.
The cereal itself is the product of 500 years of English influence – need we say more. In fact this is quite possibly the only alcoholic substance ever turned down by an Irishman. |
| 1921, AD: | Bolshe-Bix (later known as Komrade Krunch) | In Soviet Russias, Cereal Chuck Up You! | There were hi-fives all round in the marketing department when they came up with that one. The cereal itself was also groundbreaking, marking the first use of artificial colours, which within the year became the favored taste extender of the cereal industry, condemning lead to ballast and children's toys. When pouring of milks in, cereal is of turning red with proletariat bloods!, it sure did, it sure did.
Though the toys definitely left something to be desired… |
Balthasar[edit | edit source]
Who?
Balthasar Gérard's contribution to the wider world can be best appreciated when compared to a truly great historical figure, one who has changed the course of history,