User:Conquest/UnBooks:Edmund: A Butler's Tale by Gertrude Perkins
Good day, sir. My name is Gertrude. I am to be your butler for the duration of this article.[1] Would you like a drink? I have brought many. Perhaps a fine wine? A brandy? How about some tea then, sir? Or would you like to request something special? Some... "booze", sir? I have never heard of it. But if you insist, I will order some brought in for you.[2]
In the meantime, I have prepared a story featuring my good friend Edmund, guaranteed to amuse and astound. Would you care to listen to it? Oh, very good sir. Do make yourself comfortable. This story is called Edmund: A Butler's Tale by yours truly. It is about my friend Edmund, once a butler, now a criminal currently held in jail for several gruesome and bloody murders he claims were actually committed his friend... um... Gary Perkins. No relation.
Are you comfortable now, sir? The booze will be here soon, I'm certain of it. And I trust If all is well, sir, let's begin.
Author's Note[edit | edit source]
This book chronicles the exploits of me, Edmund. It is about a young man who showed great promise in his chosen field, with the potential to be immortalized in people's minds alongside the likes of the great Alfred and other legendary butlers of yore... But through betrayal, and backstabbing, was lead astray by certain people he thought were friends.
I write these words from a tiny cell, number forty seven, in Block C of the local maximum security prison, where I am held as punishment for a crime I did not commit.[3] I am fed stale bread and water twice a day, am allowed no contact with family or friends, and have not seen the light of day for almost ten years. I am known only by my number. The prisoners here all want to rape me, and dear god, I haven't had a decent drink in years! For all those in the outside world, I leave you with only one message:
The butler did it! The... other one. My friend, not me! Don't go away! Oh god, please believe me! I'm so lonely...
- Edmund the Butler, August 1987
Chapter I: The Beginning[edit | edit source]
I was born in April to a mother and father who, while not outright abusive, did not particularly care about me.. Thus, I was a quiet boy, but I was always willing to make a new friend with anybody. Perhaps this was where I went wrong. Early on in life, I discovered I attracted the wrong sort of people. People who claimed to be my friends. People who's only reason for friendship was that they were willing to talk to me. And usually the only reason they would talk to me was to get my lunch money. But I was a lonely boy. So I convinced myself that the lunch money was the price you pay for a friend. I figured it was a common act between chums.