User:CaptainSpam/Temp Kids Today
Kids today have it easy. Generally regarded as a parasitic offspring of two adult humans, kids today have evolved softer skin, weaker muscles, and less patience than their predecessors, as evidenced by their incessant whining about the smallest dang thing. Be careful about yelling back at them however or you'll start the Neverending Crybaby Cycle™. They also lack respect for the times when life was simpler and did not involve these newfangled contraptions and doohickeys they all talk about these days.
Kids today and their food[edit | edit source]
Kids today eat the strangest things, let me tell you, sonny. Their diet consists primarily of artificially manufactured foodstuffs designed to resemble real food. These can come in a variety of forms, including seafood, common American plains cattle, poultry, various spices, and even items that have no resemblance to what we ate back when we were their age. The metabolism of kids today, however, allows them to process this food into a seemingly limitless amount of energy at their command.
Caffeinated sugar beverages are also vital to kids today. Showing a scientifically improbable increased tolerance for stimulants over their parents, kids today can consume five times their body weight in caffeine with little to no ill effects. Many also turn to more "normal" drinks such as beer and whiskey, most likely in an attempt to counteract this.
Kids today and their social habits[edit | edit source]
Commonly seen down the street doing God-only-knows-what, kids today are community creatures. They congregate in places that make their host humans nervous, including street corners, skate parks, Canada, back alleys, bars their parents never go to, and bars their parents do go to. There, they discuss matters of the day in a language designed by them to further infuriate their hosts. Much of the social life of kids today, in fact, revolves around putting their parents off-ease.
A subset of the species spends their days socializing via these advanced calculator computer thingamabobs. They have a special distinction of being looked down upon even by other kids today.