User:Brunehilda of Bethlehem

According to the Dead Sea Scrolls,there have only ever been 2 known Brunehilda's in existence - one from a popular Plate Restaurant in the heart of bustling downtown Nazareth and the other, a Hobbytex Studio in the western suburbs of Bethlehem. This message is also repeated community noticeboards and Public Restrooms all over the globe. This could also possibly be recognised solely as an assumption if appearing coincidental to real life events, or for that matter be of no practical or theoretical purpose whatsoever..

This is the tale of 'Two Brunes'. Both are Male's. Both fags and both shitbangbonkas.

Shitbangbonkas describes the Brunes - A term coined to explain a combined behaviour that may include (but should not be not limited to:) black/absurd/weird/odd/mad/ludicrous/outrageous/silly

Shitbangbonkas is a mood or state of mind that occurs when thought/action/response all occur simultaneously resulting inrandomness and often highly offensive subject matter.

It all began on one such day. The weather was doing what the weather does and people were doing much the same. Anal Bleaching Technician, Philanthropist and Museum Curator, Professor Rose Porteaus was approached by members of the media only to refuse to say anything claiming that she could not understand the English Language at the time of question.

Dame Porteaus' Secretary of public liaison, that wishes only to be known as Julie, wished to apologise on behalf of her Client and couldn't possibly assist until full payment was made. The self professed Australian Dignitary was more than eager to cooperate, however cash only was an acceptable requirement. Unfortunately receipts would be impossible due to issues surrounding her inability to understand what was being requested of her due to the momentary lapse of knowing what was going on.

Spokesperson Julie wished to add that her Majesty's fee structure was very reasonable and inline with her industry standard despite unforeseen difficulties she faced.

Internationally acclaimed Mexican Bullfrog, Nobel prize winner,mining magnate and always hungry for a challenge, President Gina Rinehart watched on from her luxury portable SkyTower facility located 490 stories directly above the gathering crowd.

"Rose would remain unable to comment unfortunately due to contractual restraints" exclaimed Julie, her hands now tied for some unknown reason.

"YOU WANNA PLAY YOU PAY!! YOU PAY NOW! YOU PAY CASH NOW CASH OR NO PLAY NO HAPPY DAY FOR YOU NO CASH NO PLAY .NO HAPPY DAY!!!" shouted Porteaus suddenly and much to the surprise of onlookers - the fallen Kazillionaire appeared to have got her voice back?

Suddenly and completely without warning, a putrid gas erupted from the giant rectal cavity looming ominously above.

Get down she's gunna blow!!! Shreaked a local Car salesman

It was at that very moment that 100 million dollars cash appeared suddenly and handed without question to Spokesperson Julie."Shoot Her!!"-a brave yet rather foolish onlooker shreaked as he dived madly through the crowd, making a bee-line toward the cash box, nothing but a dinner plate and empty plastic bottle for defence.

Julie continued her slow march toward the Alter whilst a commanding Rose Porteaus now floating mystically above the crowd, robes flapping around in the swirling hot winds billowing downward from the Rhinehart's horrific acid spitting arse cavity. Our rampaging hero hurled himself toward Julie and Rose, snatching at the box, only to be tragically shredded into pizza sized slices and scattered all across the floor. "That's my Boy!" -boasted a proud Mother to her pet Carrot, Larry. "Nasty stuff that Sulphuric Acid, at least he won't need a lift to soccer practice this afternoon hey Mum?", - Larry added.

A dramatic Orchestra played to the side adding suspense to the commotion and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir emerged from a nearby Bouncy Castle and Porteau's flowing silk robes.

NOOOOOOOO!!! Roared the Rhinehart."There is no Gina. Only Zeul. Rumbled the creature..

The Rhinehart's sphincter roared out a deafening god awful sonic boom, just like Gabriel's horn. The Mormon choir and blown away by the giant toad like leaf blower. The cyclonic wind machine switched to suck mode and began devouring all in it's destructive path. Needless to say everyone was having the time of their lives and couldn't wait to see how things would pan out. Some were donning safety helmets and goggles just in case they were lucky enough to get sucked up inside.

Like a Gigantic land dwelling flying puffer fish, only 37 times larger than the moon,the Earth threatening wrecking ball broke free of its constraints,pulling over Australia's West Coast,splitting the Island Continent in too. As the Manhattan sized mass tumbled into the sea a Gigantic Tsunami Rose up, blanketing the earth in complete darkness, but. Shame noone saw the MH370 momentarily scooped up off the seabed and take one final spectacular swan dive up up and away, then right back down to where it laid. Extraordinary stuff!!

Disneyland had to momentarily suspend operation due to unforeseen circumstances and Lesbians the world over turned in to star shaped doggy treats.

A Tsunami warning was issued the world over whilst Oprah Winfrey was standing by in her Flying Film Studios "Harpo One" getting ready to welcome her biggest guest ever and offer her formal commiserations to Ellen DeGeneres - now unable to do the interview after being tragically turned into a doggy treat whilst driving her Porsche into a Tibetan Clog Shop. Mysteriously Porscha transformed back into a person following the incident that has raised suspicion of her true sexual orientation. The coroner's report could suggest that Porscha did it just to wind up on Oprah and tell her story of survival and torture under the oppressive dictatorship that Porscha was enslaved as a pet and means of stylish personal transport as well as Blue Waffle Cleaning service to the dark Lord Degeneres - a rather useful trait that made her even more special to the needs of a dark creature such as this.Finally,.the 396000 Homosapian Men kept in cryogenic style stasis stored for millions of years in the tunnels beneath Castle Degeneres could finallyvbe revived and returned to their families, friends and loved ones.The plan was allegedly to farm the male's as food, a power and spermatozoa (lesbian modified sperm) to supply an entire race of Lesbians. A world where dogs are permitted in cities and Indoor Cricket facilities and beer abound. A world where Lesbian and her best friend are together as Ellen intended and where anyone else is farmed and processed into their suitable category of manufacture.

"Please give it all you got for Porscha Ladies and Gents " introduces Oprah at the start of her big worldwide broadcast.

The story of an attractive and vulnerable woman suffering at the oppressive hand of Lesbianism induced oppression is a common theme for many young ladies around the globe and already Steven Spielberg has been signed on to produce a blockbuster trilogy inspired by the tail and with working title "sleeping with a catfish", "My Wife is a bad arse Lesbian monster" and the final installment "I can't believe I turned my wife into a star shaped Doggy Treat" - early rumours suggest the films will be similar in feel to hit flicks Misery and Jurassic Park but we will have to just wait and see for ourselves - at least another year before the big global debut!

Being such a special Oprah presentation, members of the audience would be treated to their very own Porsche to drive home and be reunited with their husbands, sons and lovers stolen from the evil Empress overlord that was storing them in the tunnels buried deep beneath the Castle Lesbos.

The show takes us outside the studio walls to none other than Ms Sweet Brown, broadcasting live from the fallout zone where the Rhinehart wrecking ball's destructive path continues to sweep across the land.

OPRAH "how ya doin down there girl??

SB Looooord Oprah girl, "Miley Cyrus ain't got no time for this here bad Momma. Oprah, she is one bad Ass angry Gina ain't nobody,I mean NO BODY LORD JESUS OPRAH, LOOOOOORD AYYYY!! MY ASS IS ON FIRE,GOD NO GIRL!! Aw Oprah, girl I just went and shit my gosh darn nikkers right here on camera. You get that girl? This ain't good Oprah, I mean this is bad Oprah girl? What if I got Hepatitis. AINT NO BODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! Hey listen y'all I'm ms brown and girl this ain't good, hear what I'm saying?"

OPRAH Thanks Sweet girl but we can't broadcast anymore of you talking about soiling yourself on live TV, best of luck girlfriend. Harpo are sending you a whole new wardrobe together with your very own reality TV show that I want you for my 2am Tuesday timeslot. We're also posting you out your very own Church, plus keep an eye on your letterbox and all the cold pop you can ever drink girl"

SB (screams madly), jumping up and down then suddenly taken out by the Rhinehart wrecking ball.. The audience bursts into laughter and a round of applause

OPRAH Folks our next guest needs no introduction, ..

Suddenly the side wall explodes and a giant monstrous ball of all things wrong,bursts in on a giant surfboard, taking out Oprah and the entire stage.

The audience bursts into tears of of laughter as the Gina Giant rolls to a stop.She tilts to one side and pics off a pancake flat Oprah and pops her in her gob, as one could expect. The audience goes quiet and then goes into a fit of rage and begin throwing everything from pussy cats,tubes of tooth paste, dwarves dressed as Elvis impersonators, roast chickens, chairs,Puffins and Penguins and the like.

The monstrous ball just stuffs all the items in it's mouth like the world's largest Laughing Clown game..

BUT THEN, SIRENS MOUNTED ON THE REINHARDT BEGIN TO FLASH AND SQUEEL. SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT WITH THE WORLD'S WELTHIEST CREATURE, er I mean LADY,sorry Gina ..

Out of the blue who else but Gayle King steps cautiously onto stage..

GK; "Oprah girl honey you ok in there? Don't make me come in and drag your ass out in front of all these good people.

Damn you big fat greedy red neck, narrow minded, uneducated,opinionated,fat ass,bad assbmother fuckin purple people eating Bogan Son of a Mother's Ass bleached turd sandwich with a side serve of Oh my god you are a one baaaaad ugly Mother Fucka Girl.Quit sticking every goddam thing in that big fat hole and give me back my Oprah girl! Cmon bitch, I ain't got me all day girl!! Cmon spit it out and hurry the hell up!hello? Beast lady I'm talking to you?

Gina Varuca Violet Crumble Rhinehart!I am placing you under arrest for eating my friend. You have the right to remain silent.. Girl are you listening? Silence fell over the studio. Gina Rinehart slightly tilted to the side and a powerful plume of steam shot from her arse, causing her to rock gently from side to side. The steam played to the tune "It's a Small World " as she began to spin. Slowly she started to twirl but amazingly the tune sped up as did the spinning.Faster and faster the giant spinning Gina Rhinehart twirled, changing colours from red. Orange, pink, blue, purple, green..The Audience began to clap and cheer on the spectacle as fireworks, Catherine wheels, confetti bombs and sparkly shit flung from the amazing spectacle. Lights in thermometer were dimmed and Gina Rhinehart glowed brightly like a radio active. Laser light extravaganza.

The plumes of fog where firing in every direction and then Gina burst into a colourful spinning Fireball. All the while with Its a small world still merrily whistling away.

GK Gina Reinhardt girl that's quite enough!!"

But Gina wouldn't listen. On and on she spun, faster and faster, setting fire to the studio as people ran for their lives, jumping into the escape pods located close to the washrooms and tea rooms aboard Harpo One.

Suddenly and quite out of the god knows where, who else but Ms Sweet Brown lands on stage, complete with clean underwear,Cape and fire hose.

SB Girl, you goin DOWN!!!!! -She turns on the fire hose and puts her out.Gina Reinhardt suddenly goes still.Flood lights go on and her boot pops up.An overhead PA announcement is made;

"Thankyou for activating the Gina Reinhardt Self destruct system. Gina Rhinehart is no longer in control of termination sequence, potentially more powerful than an exploding sun. You have exactly 10minutes to get the fuck away before this nasty ass bitch blows all you and everybody else to smithereens. Have a nice day."

SB sweet jeeeeesus lord what we going do girl? I mean Gayle?"

Gina Rhinehart's head was suddenly flipped back and out climbs Oprah, as if from the top of an army tank.

The crowd goes wild

OPRAH "You're goin Chinatown Down you shoe munching monster. NOBODY EATS OPRAH WINFREY AND THINKS GETS AWAY WITH IT.GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH!!! THINK YOU CAN EARN MORE THAN THAN OPRAH, MY FUCKIN BLACK ASS YOU WILL WHITE TRASH GUTTER HOE!!! "

Oprah pulls out a machine gun from her utility belt and begins firing directly at Gina Rinehart.

The self destruct countdown continues..

OPRAH We gotta stop Gina Rinehart before it wipes out all life as we know it!!!

With just 2 minutes before detonation, Oprah has a light bulb appear like magic above her head. When the others see the light go and hear that all important 'ting' she remembers right back to the year 322BB -THAT'S IT!!! BB!-BEFORE BRUNEHILDA! This story isn't about me, my friend Gayle, Lesbians, Ellen or a giant Australian Bogan Puffer fish with super powers at all!! Squeels Oprah.

This is about the two Brunes that are the answer to our prayers!! Sweet Brown? Yes Girl! I need you to go get me a can of cold pop, just do it!! Gayle, you just stand there and get the audience counting down -let's make this fun"

Oprah rounds the back of Gina Reinhardt and pops her bonnet.,revealing two wires, each labelled BB,the other, BN.. "Sweet Brown!!"

"yes sir - cried SB..

"I need you to flipped the bitch's flip top head, tip in the whole can of cold pop...AND HURRY!!

"Done"

"Ok now i just need to cut the right Brune wire and planet earth is saved.

I'm going to choose the red one because that Brunehilda was raised in a Plate restaurant.

"a what? -Questioned SB..

"A Plate restaurant specialises in serving it's diners with plates. No food. Just plates. Always hot -infact PIPING hot but that's what makes it so unique.This fat beast would never go there. It's safe to say she can live without an empty plate"

GENIUS!!!

""This is Gina Reinhardt. Thanks for activating self destruct. You have chosen to cut the red wire and as such I will continue to go kaboom for your viewing pleasure. I've.spared no expense in the detonation and trust you and the kids of the world will enjoy the show. So please remain seated with your seatbelts fastened and all loose items safely th stowed.upon completion of the explosion, please exit to your left, remembering to take all.belongings with you.. This has been your Captain, brunehilda. I trust you have kept yourself in acceptable operating condition with a nice cheese free dick, preferably circumcised if the and if your a lassie,always remember to wipe your snatch when done. Remember, Noone will notice quite the way you do so maybe do it for yourself? it for yourself, if not do it for Jesus, if not do it for schappelle Corby.

Yes,why not. Why not indeed. remember people Lesbians like any other wild animal should be handled with care and respect. Till next time, The end

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Ellen DeGeneres. 71px-Question mark2.svg.png Unsolved problems in dating: Seriously, how can Ellen Degeneres' wife be hotter than mine?! Ellen LeRoy DeGeneres (born January 26, 1928) is supposedly a "comedian," and was the inventor of lesbianism. She hosted The Ellen DeGeneres Show, an Enema-winning syndicated talkshow primarily targeted to hollow shells of flesh, with a minivan and no soul. She has the power to look under the age of thirty at all times, and often has brainwashed all men that are forced to be a part of the dancing audience on The Ellen DeGeneres Show so that they get sex changes.

Sitcom

DeGeneres rose to national attention when she appeared in the first laughless sitcom That Show Where Everyone Pretends the Closeted Lesbian Is Straight, which ran on the QVC shopping network from 1993-1999. Despite extremely low ratings, the network kept the program on the air, because the only material they had to replace it with was the 43-part miniseries Famous Goiters in History, which garnered an even lower rating than DeGeneres program. The network pulled the show, however, after DeGeneres's character came out of the closet as a Lutheran.

↑Jump back a section Children's books

DeGeneres has also written a variety of marginally popular children's books, including Muffy the Diver, Sally has a Strap-On, Betty, the Beaver With Lips, and Eat My Pie, the latter a pastry cookbook. Her favorite one just happens to be Heather Has Two Mommies. Moreover, a notable bestseller book aimed at children "3L's: Learn, Love, and Live as a Lesbian" ended her up with an award for encouraging "Gay Rights" and boosted the population of Lesbos worldwide.

↑Jump back a section Feature films

DeGeneres has appeared in numerous films that were both critical and financial flops, likely because she was playing a straight character who everyone knew was gay. These movies include Mr. Wrong, I'm Just Not That Into Him, and The Love Letter. She was also featured on an animated film as a voice actress for a fish, and accidentally brought out the homosexuality of children in the process.

She was shortlisted for a Taiwan Film Society "Clinky" Award for Best Attempt at Not Being a Lesbian for her film Juno, in which she had her legs surgically shortened and was impregnated by a pool boy, an East African mountain gorilla, a Dalek, and Captain Holly Short from the Artemis Fowl books. Her name was withdrawn when someone on the committee who had fast-forwarded to the second half of the film noticed her fellating Captain Short in a suspicious manner.

↑Jump back a section Talk show

In September 2003, DeGeneres launched a daytime television talk show. Unfortunately, she did not realize that a talk show is not waterproof, and the program sank in New York Harbor within minutes. She subsequently started a new talk show a few days later, this time on dry land, and it has been popular with people in nursing homes who are too feeble to change the channel and over-the-hill publicists who watch their own clients on low-rated talkshows.

In Octobeer 2007 Degeneres received a puppy from an animal shelter, but when it crapped and pee'd all over her nice spankily clean lesbian digs, and when she found out it was a heterosexual male dog, she gave it away to the nearest family she could find. Unfortunately this violated the terms of the International Puppy Rescuers League Of Planetary Conciousness (IPRLPC) which is rumored to be somehow affiliated with GOD, Al Gore and Global Warming. Thus a SWAT team and 50 members of the BATF, backed by a division of armored calvary were dispatched to the subject home to liberate the puppy from certain harm and put it back into solitary confinement. Fortunately nobody was injured in the siezure, but the severity of it all brought Ms. Degneres to tears on National TV and she is currently pleading with the Pope for some kind of reprieve to have the puppy spared from certain death. Associated with this fiasco were numerous death threats received from the same bleeding heart liberal types who are protesting the war in Iraq and George Bush's attempts to contain the Al Quaida threat, which wants to sever all the heads of Americans, especially wicked sinful lesbian types....but that does not compare to the Degeneres Puppy Flap (DPF)...more to follow....

She died when Chris Matthews broke her neck while attempting to do a dance routine with her.

↑Jump back a section Television roles

Year Show Role 1994 Waterproofing Your Cellar A Stained Mop 1995 Waterproofing Your Lesbian A Stained Lesbian 1996 Hey I'm Still a Lesbian Her Lesbian Self 2001 The Loudmouth Lesbo Show Still Her Lesbian Self 2003 The Ellen DeGeneres Show Even Still Her Lesbian Self 2008 Dick Van Dyke Show The Dyke 2010 Mary-Anne: COME HOME The slave 2012 Lost: The television series: The Movie Kate 2014 The 86th Annual Academy Awards Herself (host) ↑Jump back a section Awards

Daytime Enema Awards

2006 Suckiest Talk Show, The Ellen DeGeneres Show 2006 Suckiest Talk Show Host, The Ellen DeGeneres Show 2006 Suckiest Writing, The Ellen DeGeneres Show Nighttime Enema Awards

2006 Suckiest Talk Show, The Ellen DeGeneres Show 2006 Suckiest Talk Show Host, The Ellen DeGeneres Show 2006 Suckiest Writing, The Ellen DeGeneres Show 2014 Suckiest Hosting, The Oscars Lunchtime Enema Awards

2006 Suckiest Talk Show, The Ellen DeGeneres Show 2006 Suckiest Talk Show Host, The Ellen DeGeneres Show 2006 Suckiest Writing, The Ellen DeGeneres Show Teatime Enema Awards

2006 Suckiest Talk Show, The Ellen DeGeneres Show 2006 Suckiest Talk Show Host, The Ellen DeGeneres Show 2006 Suckiest Writing, The Ellen DeGeneres Show Naptime Enema Awards

2006 Suckiest Talk Show, The Ellen DeGeneres Show 2006 Suckiest Talk Show Host, The Ellen DeGeneres Show 2006 Suckiest Writing, The Ellen DeGeneres Show 2014 Suckiest Hosting, The Oscars Anytime Enema Awards

2006 Suckiest Talk Show, The Ellen DeGeneres Show 2006 Suckiest Talk Show Host, The Ellen DeGeneres Show 2006 Suckiest Writing, The Ellen DeGeneres Show 2014 Suckiest Hosting, The Oscars 100% Super Elbows Gay Woman Hentai Bukkake Award (Japan)

1999 Most Lesbian Electro Kazzi (Moostu Dikkrya Irrektru Kaziu) 2000 Best movie for A League of their own 2: Electric Boogaloo (Bestu Moovu Fooru) 2003 Most Non-Japanese Lesbian (Moostu Nosupama Dikkrya ) 2005 Funniest English Talkshow (Funiru Engrish Takkushoso) 2006 *Most Crazy Fish Beer Woman (Moostu Crayzi Sushi Bieru Geisha) 2007 *Most Realistic Fake Laugh, Fake funny face, and fake boobs (Moostu Rerruistiku Fakku Laffau, Fakku funnai facuru, andru fakku funbags) ↑Jump back a section Quotes

"Anne, please!...don't squeeze your thighs so tight on my head!" "And that kids, is how the male species is unnecessary. Want a demonstration?" "Why have a penis, when you can have Ellen!" (Ellen Degeneres on straight women) "By the way, did I mention I'm a lesbian?" (Mentioned at least fifty times a day, everyday before dinner time) ↑Jump back a section External lesbolinks

DeGeneres bores you to tears with yet more talk about coming out of the closet DeGeneres shills for American Express in her bathrobe Ellencyclopedia from some delusional Kraut fan Ellen FAQ by an academic with far too much time on his hands ↑Jump back a section Last modified on 17 January 2014, at 19:21nd feeling lucky to be a part of this amazing display of pyrotechnics and special effects movie magic. aro

Wannabe high profile TV personality and pretend Journalist, Fontain opened the interview by asking Prof Porteaus what the significance such a Gigantic Toad like blob with Phillipino I Beauty and Stiletto aficionado