User:Ballbuster/John Taylor

John Taylor

John Taylor is an elderly English grannyshagger and bassist of 80's pop fossils Duran Duran, the most influenced group in pop music.

Early Life

Nigel John Taylor (20-June-1960) was born as a toothless peepaw to Jack and Jean Taylor. As a child little Nigel spent hours making granny rag dolls & playing with them. He dropped out of high school and hung out in retirement homes, geriatric wards places where there were plenty of grannies. He started Duran Duran with his friend goth midget hoping to become a popstar and score lots of grannies.

Duran Duran

Dressed in drag with purple hair and warpaint John Taylor became a pinup for thousands of screaming grannies after the group's chart topping success. Taylor toured the world shagging more than thousand grannies, a world record in grannyshagging. He also developed a coke & cuntfungus addiction to compliment his grannyshagging lifestyle.

The 90's John Taylor married the largest groupie slut in the world Jabba the slut in 1991. Jabba gave birth to a girl who speaks fluent sluttese. Unable to feed fat Jabba,John Taylor went broke and Jabba the slut ejected him out the house. Suffering from severe cuntcussions, a completely retarded Taylor left Duran Duran to pursue full time grannyshagging. In 1994 John Taylor collapsed after eating 17 kilos of cuntfungus. He went to rehab to cure his granny addiction but relapsed when he ranaway from rehab.

    In 1995 he launched his own label Crusty Crotchfungus with his sidekick Fatty Fatso a chick with a dick. Taylor's debut solo album 'Sore Buttcheeks & other shit' sold a massive five copies worldwide. While scraping the bottom of the barrel, a dumpster diving Taylor met Granny Gelasaur (a prehistoric dogfaced geldabeest). In 1999 John Taylor married granny gelasaur. He publicly came out as a grannyshagger and changed his name to Nigel John Grannyshagging Taylor.

The 2000's to present

John Taylor rejoined Duran Duran to finance his grannyshagging expenses. Despite the massive hype via bought and paid for articles, coverstories, interviews and reviews the group's comeback album flopped. 10 out of 13 Duran Duran have flopped spectacularly but the group is threatening to release a 14th album shortly.

Philanthropy

John Taylor the grannyshagger started Granny Protection Fund and Shag A Granny Foundation. He holds regular grannyshagging clinics and has tirelessly worked to end humiliation and isolation of grannyshaggers everywhere. In 2009 He gave a speech in UCLA demanding grannyshagging be included in geriatric studies, which prompted UCLA to ban John Taylor. Due to his advanced grannyshagging skills, John Taylor is able to guess the depends size of any granny across the world. A connoisseur of all things geriatric, Taylor is an avid collector of grannypanties and used depends.

Books & Musical

In 2012 John Taylor released his autobiography In the Granny Cranny- A Retard's Guide to Grannyshagging through Mutton Publishing. The book was entirely ghost written by Bum Dykes appointed by Granny gelasaur. Fueled by granny money and Bum Dykes grannyshagger's Buy 1 Get 10 Free deal the book became a geriatric classic. John Taylor is also busy writing a musical Seventy Years a Whore Granny Gelasaur with goth midget.

Awards & Accolades

Granny gelasaur declared every granny needs a manny like Johnny to clean its cranny cemented his status as a world class grannyshagger. Despite various oral penal and anal infections Taylor is a relentless grannyshagger kind enough to shag and change depends of every granny he meets. In 2013 Marvel Cartoon Rubber Ducky awarded John Taylor the grannyshagger with Retard in Treatment Award.

   John Taylor's grannyshagging skills along with mouthbreathing and winking have earned him a cult like following among grannies everywhere. In an all out effort to look like a granny John Taylor uses advanced aging serums, pro oxidants, pro wrinkle creams & eats only pureed foods.

Despite being a part time bassist and a failed actor John Taylor says its grannyshagging that has given him infinite depths of joy.