User:Ausare
Under construction: A page to completely replace the current Global Warming one.
“We can raise the temperature dramatically just by switching from Celsius to Fahrenheit.”
Global warming is the nickname given to an ongoing world effort to counteract the effects of global cooling though a variety of methods devised by scientists and propagated by entrepeneurs.
Problem![edit | edit source]
When Vin Diesel first tried to outline a plan to defeat global cooling in 1057 BC, no one listened, because Diesel was burned out and unfunny even at that point. Diesel is believed to be the initial cause of global cooling, because jokes about him were so stagnant for so long that they caused a slowing of the quantum motion of the fabric of reality, resulting in an increase in the universal trend toward entropy. From that is has been derived that anything formulaic and unfunny, including the first sentence of this paragraph, is a possible contributor to global cooling. The scientific consensus is that warming is the opposite of cooling, and so anything that slows the spread of entropy causes global warming.
What should I do?[edit | edit source]
In response to the big-ice problem, several ideas have been submitted. Scientists are diverting some of their efforts toward figuring out why no matter your point of view, you will always find exactly three of these ideas to be unbelievably stupid.
Vigorous Exercise[edit | edit source]
Scientists have suggested that if every human were to simultaneously "feel the burn" of an intense aerobic workout, the surface of the Earth would immediately increase in temperature by over one hundred degrees Kelvin. Since exercise people do not understand what is meant by Kelvin and scientists are incapable of working out, this idea has yet to get off the treadmill.
Blankets[edit | edit source]
Blankets work to trap heat which radiates from an object. There is insufficient warm, soft, snuggly, cuddly, fuzzy, downy fleece in the earth's crust with which to cover the earth, making an actual blanket impossible. However, some scientists are of the opinion that it may be possible to create a layer of gases in the earth's atmosphere which can trap heat at a higher rate than earth's primary atmospheric component gases. This would result in a so-called "greenhouse effect" which would slow the earth's natural loss of heat. However, the Industrial Revolution and the rise of the automobile and airplane have caused a sharp decline in atmospheric greenhouse gases in heavily-traveled areas. This causes uneven buildup of heat in certain areas, causing explosive, raging windstorms to appear out of calm, reasonable skies. These windstorms have been likened to internet satirists, who occasionally fail to filter their POLITICAL RAGE FROM THEIR SATIRE, CAUSING EXPLOSIVE STORMS OF INCREDIBLE BUT ULTIMATELY IMPOTENT FURY IN THE MIDDLE OF PREVIOUSLY LEVEL-HEADED PUBLICATIONS! BUT REALLY, THEY WOULDN'T BE SO MAD IF DENIERS WOULD JUST SEE THE TRUTH THAT THE INDUSTIRIES DON'T WANT YOU SHEEPLE TO KNOW ABOUT! A blanketing effect could slow the planet's loss of heat, but it would not add heat to counteract the existing loss, so it is a long-term and viable measure, but it will not be enough by itself.
Holding Still[edit | edit source]
Disbelief[edit | edit source]
According to the scientific consensus, global cooling, much like Santa Claus and the economy, only works when you believe in it really hard. Therefore, the idea goes that if all people stop believing in global cooling, it will stop happening. Laboratory tests have indicated that partial disbelief may cause a sort of feedback loop, when people who rightly fear global cooling try to overcompensate for the inaction of nonbelievers. This may result in a state of "global overwarming," in which the Earth becomes too hot. Tempermental little bitch, isn't she?
The Human Cost[edit | edit source]
People who live in equatorial regions may not be in touch with the impact global cooling has on poor northern peoples. However, there is hope: by eating a single burrito daily a man could protect as much a a full meter of latitude against the ice.