User:Apollo1758/project74

You might have purchased those pills, but how will you get them into your cat's mouth? I mean, look at all of those sharp teeth guarding the cat's throat, not to mention its sandpaper-like tongue. That's the equivalent of trying to fit a fat person into a twelve year old girl's pair of jeans, while there is already a twelve year old girl wearing them. Well, maybe this won't be too hard. I mean, why would manufacturers make cat pills in the first place if it were impossible to give your cat a pill? Oh, enough of this, might as well get this over with before the cat dies of old age.

1. Sit down in a chair with your cat in your lap. If you are right-handed, tuck your cat under your left hand. Talk softly to your cat to relax it.
2. With your right index finger and thumb, press on the sides of the cat's mouth, until it opens its mouth in compliance. Put the pill into the cat's mouth, and close it to let the cat chew and swallow. Watch the cat dart into the hallway.
3. Pick the pill off the floor, and get your cat from its hiding place behind the drapes. Be careful of your cat trying to cling to the drapes with its claws for dear life.
4. Put your cat between your legs, this time holding the cat's neck with your left hand. Take the pill, and drop it inside the cat's mouth. Hold the cat's mouth closed, making sure the pill is properly swallowed.
5. Pick up the soggy pill from the floor, and discard it. Get a new pill from the kitchen cabinet. Pull your cat out of the laundry basket, this time placing it on the floor and restraining it with your left arm. Put the pill in the cat's mouth, disregarding all of the hissing noises coming from your cat. To help your cat swallow the pill, put some cat food into its mouth as well. Watch the cat flee into your bedroom.
6. Clean up the pile of cat food, and pick up the pill in a paper towel or aluminum foil. Poke at your cat with a long object until your cat finally moves from under the bed. Chase your cat down the stairs, and pry your cat from under the sofa, dragging the cat by the legs if you have to.
7. Smother your cat with a pillow, making sure it can't move. Drug your cat with some catnip to keep it relaxed. Tie twine around the cat's back paws to prevent it from running. When the cat least expects it, pry its mouth open and shove the pill down its throat. Hold the cat's mouth shut and count 30 seconds.
8. Go to the medicine cabinet, and bandage the cut you got from the cat biting your hand. Ice your hand to reduce the painful swelling. Remove the pill from the goldfish tank, and the cat from the ceiling fan. Discard the half dissolved pill, and get a new one.
9. Grab a baby spoon from the kitchen, and put the pill into the spoon. Tie a bib around your cat's neck, and put your cat into the high chair. Tie each of your cats paws down, as well as its tail. Feed your cat a bottle of warm milk and watch your cat get calm as it greedily gulps down the milk. Slowly spoon the pill into the cat's mouth, while pretending it is an airplane.
10. Get your spouse to take you to the emergency room to remove the bits of pill stuck in your left eye, while also receiving stitches for the huge scratch on your right arm. Wait patiently as the nurse removes the cat hairs off on your face, and asks you questions about how you got those injuries. Change into a new pair of clothes which aren't ripped apart already.
11. Grab your cat off of the roof by capturing it in a beach towel, and take the last pill from the bottle. Take your cat under your arm, and put the pill in its mouth. While stroking it gently, wait for the pill to dissolve.
12. Call Animal Control, and call the local pet store to see if they have any goldfish.