User:Anywherebuthere/Alternate fuel sources

THE BIG ONE

Issue: The need for finding new recourses for fuel. Solution: Here are some fuels that scientists and smart people overlooked in their search for alternative fuels:

1. Hammers

Many of our fuel sources today such as gasoline and petroleum have high amounts of iron, nickel, and Boron. Since Boron rhymes with moron, we didn’t recognize it as a real element and forgot about it all together. We went to a local hardware store and used a metal detector to find tools that have these same elements. Since 95% of the tools in the store were metal, that plan went south immediately. So, I proceeded to bonk the person who came up with the idea on the head with a nearby rake. Since I formulated the plan, I let it slide. So we bought/smuggled some common tools out of the store and took them to a lab to run tests on what they were made of. After handing the tools to a large Iranian Man behind the counter, I picked up a magazine and proceeded to read a very interesting story… In 1463, an sailor named Fredbert Richardson, went on a journey from inland Spain to a far off land only know to the community as Coolsville, that’s where their God, Theomatris, dwelled. So our hero, Fredbert, raised his anchor and sailed into the distance, into the ocean blue. On the way to the Euphorian Village, Fredbert discovered a seldom seen sight to the Spaniards at that time… Fredbert made a quick stop at 7-11, and proceeded to purchase the new King Richard MCVII on cassette tape, when he peered over the isle and saw the most disgusting creature every know to the Spanish. It was a rabid, heartless… “Order up!” the large Middle Eastern Man Yelled. I picked up my tools, and test results, and walked out the door. The apparatus that scored highest on nickel and Iron (and oddly, some penny) was the common hammer. So we picked out all the hammers we bought and threw the remaining utensils on the pavement for some rats to eat up. We then went to my house to see if the new fossil fuel would work on a regular car, mine. A 1943 Chevy Exterminator (the first SUV). We added some Americanium to the mix with the hammer, so it would be a patriotic hammer, and proceed to shove the hammer into the gas tank with a sledge hammer, with the help of my possibly drunk friend. After some satirical three stooges’ moments, and an hour of mauling the side of my vintage gas sucker, we were able to cram the ball-beam into the gas tank. I got into the driver seat, put the keys in, and turned the ignition. Put… Put… VROOM!! Yah! We had just discovered an alternative fuel. And the only thing that it spit out of the exhaust pipe: nails. Unfortunately, the board of People who deal with car stuff (PWDWCAS) wouldn’t approve of the new fuel because they said that the test was “invalid,” and that it was “dumb,” and that it was “too simplified for the American community.”

While all of this was being said, I was fixated on how the whole hammer miraculously went through the engine of the car.

Mascot attempts to reenact me forcing a hammer into the gas tank

Whatev. So according to me and my intoxicated buddy, the average hammer is, in fact, an alternative fuel for gas.

2. Energy Drinks

Nearly all of the student population in our school is run off of pure caffeine in any form that is available, legally or otherwise, to the community. Common forms of this addictive substance are pop, coffee, and more recently, energy drinks. How I see it is, “if one or two energy drinks can keep the average high school student awake for a majority of the day, it can run a semi full of bricks (heavy ones). So we had to start with small amounts of caffeine on small motorized vehicles. The tests are recorded as followed: Forms of Caffeine: op/soda/cola, Coffee, and Energy drinks Tested vehicles: RC Cars, Lawn Mowers, and Dirt Bikes

1. Caffeine in RC Car- RC car just got wet and proceed to shock whoever tried to remove the fluid. 2. Caffeine in Lawn Mower- Lawn Mower sat and the smell of oil and pop attracted unwanted mosquitoes. 3. Caffeine in Lawn Mower- Dirt bike ran smoothly until Cecil tried to jump a car with it. The end result included a sticky windshield and a memorial service. 4. Coffee in RC Car- RC car ran normally until caffeine-deprived teenaged girls flew in from the trees and sucked the car dry. (Not desired effect). 5. Coffee in Lawn Mower- It’s funny really. I put in coffee, whip cream caramel, chocolate, and ice in the gas tank and the lawn mower spewed out Chocolate Mocha Freeze all over my lawn! 6. Coffee in Dirt Bike- Dirt bike ran smoothly until Cecil tried to jump a car with it. The end result included a sticky windshield and a memorial service 7. Energy Drink in RC Car- The car made some funny noise then just exploded in sure testosterone and implanted shrapnel in Terrance’s eye. 8. Energy Drink in Lawn Mower- After installment of energy drink, the lawn mower got up and said “that’s insane,” and had a severe aneurism. 9. Energy Drink in Dirt Bike- Terrance got on the bike, and he immediately died. Then shortly after, the bike quickly deteriorated from the new fuel.

When you read the safety label on the side of an energy drink can, it states “Do not consume more than two containers in one sitting.” The same applies to small motored vehicles. Since the results for the small transportation devices had drastic effects, I convinced/blackmailed the guys at those crash test facilities to test a car on energy drinks. About a month later, I read the report filed by the department. It stated that the car sat there for about 45 minutes, then suddenly converted into a walking, talking robot. An instant transformer. The robot bashed its way through a 12 ft thick concrete barrier and jumped into the ocean, where it instantly rusted and crumbled into a mess of steal and plastic. Then it went on to explain how some of the remaining fluid seeped into the bottom of the sea, where there was a lizard. About 10-15 seconds later, the lizard emerged what we no we now know as Godzilla. So I’m going to go ahead and say that this is another drastic, alternative fuel if you care to ride in a transformer on your way to the office, but only when weather is permitting. Or you can ride on the back of an oversized reptile to the local gym. What ever floats your boat or builds your moat.

3. Sand

“How did we figure this one out?” I hear the confused and impatient cry out. Well, it all started yesterday when I was trying to fake my doing of household chores. I was watching a movie on television when I was suppose to be vacuuming the house carpet. From the way I suggested placing the furniture in the family room, I can hear the garage door open and close through the vent system placed above the couch. I can see any car pull down the street into our driveway through a window, and I can see anyone in the main, upstairs hallway by looking through the reflection of the T.V. and off the reflection of a painting in the hallway. So I see my mother’s car pull up in the drive way, and I hear the garage door open and I’m still sitting there for whatever reason (probably because I’m stupid and all). I hear the door to the kitchen open and my mother calling my name. It finally clicks in my head that I should be vacuuming, instead of lowering my I.Q. through the boob tube, and I leap off the couch and toward the vacuum. I see her reflection through the hallway. I look down at the vacuum, it’s unplugged! So, I pull out my cell phone and call my mother’s cell phone to buy myself some more time. Her phone starts ringing in her purse and I know from previous experience that it takes at least 15 seconds for her to find her cell phone in that black hole of a purse she has. I sprint to the nearest outlet, and plug in the cord. I quickly pick up the vacuum to start vacuuming and I turn it on. We don’t have the best vacuum, and it’s not very stealthy. BBBBBBBBUUUUUZZZZ!!!! I hurry to get out of my mother’s new line of sight as she starts walking down the stairs. I look back to see where she went and I wasn’t looking where it was placing the vacuum. ADL;KER’OTJ ‘ FLV\]WE-T0!!!! That was the newly discovered sound of a vacuum cleaner sucking up the sand in a kitty litter box. My mother, then accidentally stepped on the power cord, disconnecting the vacuum to the wall. I should have heard the vacuum turning off and my mother starting to scream but to my surprise, it kept on sucking. To the cat’s dismay, I had come to the conclusion that the vacuum could run off of sand. Not caring if the sand would run a car or not, I concluded that it could possibly be the best alternative fuel to use. Cats would have to figure how to dig holes in your back yard like dogs, people would steal sand bags off of retaining walls and cause major land slides, army stations would be ransacked by the enemy, stealing the forts walls made of sand bags, and any house with a sandbox in its back yard would double in value. We have so much sand around the world that it would be the cheapest to buy at the gas station. The Sahara Dessert would be sucked away in years. And what will be buried at the bottom of the dessert? “The Ark of the Covenant?” Nope. “Noah’s ark.” Wrong! “Dead Sea Scrolls?” Stop thinking Indiana Jones and start thinking awesome! “The first Season of Charles in Charge?” Bingo.

4. Wind power

Wind power has ban used in many places already, California, Pennsylvania, The Man from La Mancha. It has been used to power houses, boathouses, warehouses, and househouses. But I am proposing that we use wind to power our cars. With a combination of Wind and compressed air (W85), we will be able to harness energy from the wind to our wheels. Possible models for wind cars: a. We strap a small windmill to the top of your vehicle, the ones from mini golf courses and such. We simply push our car out from the driveway and start. If there is no wind at the time of push, get someone to spin the windmill until it starts back up again. When you are moving in a car, you are moving through air. So, I have rigged up tubes with funnels on the end, facing frontward, mounted on both of my side-view mirrors. The air will enter the tube and be compressed inside the car with some new parts and gizmos. b. Sell compressed air in cans. Hook up an intake valve on the side of your car and hook up small bottles of compressed air to it. c. Breath into a hose connected to the inside of your car. Then, Use a bike pump to compress the air. Then start up the car. 45,000 pumps with 56 hours of breathing into the hose, will get you from point A to point B (note: his only works if point b is ten feet away). I personally prefer option A over the other two. I mean, who doesn’t enjoy a giant spinney thing on the back of your ride?

5. Compost

I know what you are thinking. “I don’t want to be shoveling buckets full of feces into my car, just to get a few extra dollars into my pocket.” Well I say suck it up and hold your nose! As it turns out, crud is high in nutrients for your car. It’s not actually the poop itself that runs your car, but the fumes when burning it. I know what you are now thinking. “I don’t want to inhale flaming crap on my way to work in the morning!” In my opinion, it is a small price to pay for freedom. To use this fossil fuel, every car will have to be installed with an Easy Bake Oven. The dispenser with load the oven with dung and fire it up! The Fumes will go into a compressor where it will be used as both gas and compressed air. There will be private compost farmers who just have a punch of animals eating food, and dispensing the waste product into a container, which are then shipped to big fuel companies. Nearly any kind of manure will work. Human or animal, it will all work with your newly-installed oven. This new fuel will slowly get rid of its landfill problems and recycle our foods! Families will store their waste outside for later use; gas stations will have built-in toilets! People will be begging you to have your dog relive itself on their lawn. It will be a wonderful sight! Wait… I probably couldn’t stand the smell of constant droppings being roasted under the hood of my car. So I say forget it all together, and keep the crud in the mud.

6. Alcohol

There is a mix of gasoline and alcohol out there on the market today, but that’s not the same alcohol I’m talking about. I’m talking about the heavy stuff. Drinking alcohol has extremely similar properties to gas, more so than any other alternative fuel I have made off the top of my head so far. All of your favorites: Whiskey, Scotch, Rum, Brandy, and Gin are all excellent sources of fuel like qualities. Another plus to this is that there will be no required changes needed to make to your vehicle in order for it to run off of drinking alcohol Best yet! Attention to all juvenile delinquents: Siphoning gas from other cars will be the best siphoning experience you will ever have now with the new alternative fuel. Drinking alcohol only releases water as its waste product. So, if you drink your fuel, and have to get a UA test… turn on your car and stick your mouth in the tail pipe. Great news for you self-employed bartenders too! Use your car as a mixing machine. Add Whiskey and sweet vermouth to the gas tank, cut the line from the radiator to the engine, and get the best Whiskey Manhattan ever! Although Alcohol seems like the best idea for a alternative fuel sense my last one, there will be problems such as drunk driving, using radiator hoses as beer bongs, under age drinking, and more DUI’s and DWI’s than you can shake an empty bottle of rum at. But I think we are all willing to take that risk at the expense of our “Freedom.”

7. Solar power

You have heard of it before, solar powered cars, but not in this sense. There has always been the dispute of “How will solar powered cars work if there is no sun?” I am here to give you the answer. If the sun is shining bright, sure, have a couple of solar panels stuck on the top of your car. When the sun hides behind the clouds, its rainy outside, or you need to drive in the dark, you need to refuel. Introducing… the Sun Wash! It has the same idea as a car wash, except without the water, soap, and big twirly, sponge things. You pull into the front, like a garage, and you park your car inside. The room is closed, and the UV lights turn on. Little sensors will pick up the energy from the light and convert it into electricity, which is then used as an energy source. The whole problem with harnessing the sun’s power is that the sun excretes UV rays; it’s not just a big light bulb (which totally blew my flashlights-as-an-alternative-energy-plan out of the water). The lights in the Sun Wash are hooked up to solar panels placed on top of the building. This is a great source of energy, but there were no humorous parts about it, so I veto my own nomination for solar power being used as an alternate fuel.

8. Nuclear power

Ahhh… the good ol’ nuke. It has done so much for Americans; ended wars, started wars, mutated hicks in Arizona. But it still has some potential left in it. When an atom is split, tons of energy is released. Thus, tons of cars can be powered by it. So, with the help of persistence and confidence (and the under ground mafia) I was able to get a hold of some Russian scientists that had a machine that could split an atom. When I saw it, I felt really stupid because when I was a kid, I tried to cut an atom in half with a butter knife (all I got was a spark). Now that I see what it takes to do it for real, I cried inside, but just a little. Anyways, all was going well until, suddenly, it didn’t. We were filtering energy from the big lazar thingy, into a large converter, then into the gas tank of my car, all of us wearing hazmat suits (just like any other day at my place). We forgot about the whole mutation thing, and continued to pump the liquid energy into the car. The energy was so… energized that it burned through the gas tank, and onto the floor. The radiation monitor started making this loud beeping noise that made my stomach hurt, and we all had to evacuate the immediate area. All accept one of my remaining friends that hadn’t died yet, Gaston. He was fiddling around with the transition. Now, you have to Know Gaston. If he is doing one job, that’s all his brain can handle. He’s not oblivious, he’s focused. Anyway, since he was stuck in the room with the toxic fumes, we asked him through the intercom system to get in the car and start it up. We asked him to wait until we were a safe 10-12 miles away from the test site.

After about 2-3 hours of waiting and checking radiation levels, the Scientists allowed us to go back into the facility. We found the car running perfectly. The same cannot be said for Gaston. We found out a new way to grow extra appendages out of your body, and how to get that cool green glow like you just came from… a toxic spill site. All the kids are doing it. So if these side effects plus a shortened life span is what you were looking for, than nuclear powered cars is the thing for you, if you live in the middle of a desolate island, on a separate planet. Otherwise, avoid this alternative fuel all together.

9. The hot air billowing from politician’s heads.

We all know its there, it’s just a matter of harnessing the power. Politicians have always been feuding, back to the Roman age when Pilot and his coworkers debated about their absurd dress code. Since then, an invisible steam has risen from politician’s heads. It puts a new meaning on “heated debate.” To harness the energy emitting from the politician’s cranium, we will simply issue each representative a harness helmet. It will take the steam seeping from their skull, into the walls, to where it pushes a turbine, to create electricity. The helmet looks natural and seemingly unnoticeable to the naked eye. It will come in a variety of styles and colors so that it will seem more appealing. The hard hat will be required to wear during floor debates and committee meetings. In just one Senate meeting, we will be able to power entire cities, perhaps even city-states! Just think of the potential if the UN members were required to wear the harness helmet? You would be able to blind the sun!