User:Anyone/HowTo:Be Italian
Do you like to drink wine? Is your mother abnormally short and still extremely large? Maybe you live in a country shaped like a dame's pair of fuck-me boots. Do you have thick, full hair...covering your entire body? Well, you're probably already Itailian then. But for the rest of us non-hairy folk, it would be nice to know what it takes to be one of the all-around drunkest, most beligerent ethnicities.
First Impressions[edit | edit source]
The key the being Itailian is that there is no key to being Italian. If you look the part, chances are people will just assume the rest. So what does a typical Itai look like? Well for starters, you gotta be either bald or have long, Fabio hair. Having hair like Fabio's will do little for your percieved sexual orientation, but you'll be knee deep in broads, so whadda you care? If your hair is normal length, you're going to need to slick it up some, slick. It is said that Italians produce enough oil from their scalp to keep the world in fossil fuel for all eternity. Too bad the greedy bastids are keeping it to themselves. Anyway, since your hair probably doesn't stay greased up all the time, you're gonna want to artifically create the illusion that it is. A few things that can help you do that are:
- Motor Oil
- Candle Wax (unscented, you fruit)
- Butter
But not none of that margerine crap. Just because you're trying to be fake Italian don't mean you gotta be a fake fake-Italian.
Another thing Italians are good at is growing facial hair. And by growing facial hair, I mean a sleazy mustache. You can effectively copy this with a black pen and a mirror. Just draw a few lines on their and BAM! you're done. While you're at it, you might want to thicken up them eyebrows a little too and maybe even go for a unibrow. And maybe add some more nose hair. Yeah, that's better. As rediculous as you think it looks, just remember you can go home and wash yours off. Italians have to live with that every day.
Italians pride themselves on being great dressers. This is easily copied. All you need is a standard button up shirt. Put the shirt on, and button it up. Still pretty english right? Now unbutton all the buttons, essentially exposing your hairy chest for all to see. (or if you want to go that extra mile, your wife-beater) To those of you without hairy chests, get that black pen back out and get to work. That goes for all you ladies too. The hairier the better.
Now all you need is a nice pair of slacks, and maybe some loafers.
How to act Italian[edit | edit source]
Once you've got the look, it's time to start walking the walk. Italians don't walk though, they strut. Like proud peacocks, they strut their stuff like their shit don't stink, even though we all know it does. You're gonna want to kick your legs out pretty far and pretty high. You might also want to put a sock in your pants, just for effect. If Italians are famous for anything, it's sausage.
Once engaged in conversation, you need to talk loud. Everyone knows something said loud is important, and everything you have to say is important.