User:Alph Main/sandbox

Penis Enlarging Drugs

Do you see me every now and then

Profar spent most of the offseason watching Macho Man and Breaking Bad, though he was able to sneak in Daredevil Born Again too. In a poetic fashion, Profars first games as a boobie were back in his birthplace of Petco Park. Jurickson received a standing ovation from the San Diegan crowd, not just for being a fan favorite player, but also for being the one to put that naked homeless guy in the Gaslamp to eternal sleep.

Jurickson eagerly went to touch his old Paddie teammates, claiming he had the goods for them. While they assumed it was just another bag of mid ass sunchips, Profar instead showed them tons and I mean like a whole cruise ships worth, actually not even, like a whole military battle carrier worth of steroids.

Profar looks in horror at the umpire when he says "Time for drug tests!" (he hasn't pissed it out yet).

"Where the FUCK did you get all of that!" yelled Luis Arraez while shoving his bat in his ass. Profar refused to say, but he offered some to everybody hoping they could all destroy their testosterone generators together. Sadly, most players moms said no. Even Fernando Titties Jr declined, saying he was a changed man before going to pleasure a moped.

Profar felt betrayed, calling his former team bums before going up to bat and striking out 4 times. After this bummy first game, Profar realized immediately it was just cuz he needed more roids. After striking out another 16 times in the 2nd game, the lightbulb in his head went off. After 4 more doses of roids taken, and another 40 strikeouts in the 3rd game, there was only one logical solution to his problem.

By game 4, veins were seen coursing throughout Profar's whole 500 pound body of pure baby fat. After striking out an MLB record 130 trillion times, Jurickson KNEW it was time to order a new batch. However, as he left San Diego to get his roids on the way to LA. The crips. The Irvine crips got him.

Son.

Profar recieved an 80 game suspension by MLB after he was caught using the PED known as Nerds gummy clusters. Jurickson tried to appeal his suspension, but he ended up being forced to go home and do nothing but goon and play games. My steak is too juicy ahh.

A SWAT team swiftly pulled up on Fernando Titties Jr, thinking he supplied Profar with the roids. However, Titties wasn't lying when he said he was clean as all they found was straight petrol in his arteries.

Profar's teammates on the Boobies tried to stand up for their new plaything. Paulo's roommate Ozzie Albies told the press "Evan is the hottest one" while superstar player Matt Olson stated "I think this just shows how committed to winning Jeremiah or whatever his name is, a level of commitment I've never seen from Freddie Freeman. What Freddie doesn't understand is just how much guys like me and Jeremy bring to this team. Things he couldn't bring while he was here and..." The quote ran on for about 8 additional minutes.

Statpadding

Kim signs to Profar he wants 2 doses of roids.

Upon his return from Utah with Tommy Pham, Profar had a brand new outlook on his career. He now realized he needed even more roids than before, so that the drug tests would be overloaded and wouldn't get a reading. Jurickson went through the next 2 months on a heater, and proved to his dog that steroids are always the answer. While the boobs were a terrible team, it didn't matter to Jurickson because his arms now weighed 500 pounds each.

In September, Profar regained hope in humanity when his best buddy Ha Seong Kim joined the Atlanta Boobies. Kim took all the roids alongside Profar, and he had nothing to worry about because Koreans don't get drug tested. If they did, the big Kim Jong said he would drop a nuke. When Ha Seong was asked what it was like to see his friend again, he said "Gi Hun Yupduk Crypto from Apex How its done done done ."

Fool Me Once...

The Atlanta Boobies were hit with some unfortunate news to start 2026. Not only did the group boxing gym close, but Ha Seong Kim slipped on ice trying to impress Alyssa Liu and broke his hand. Luckily, the boobies had a full year of Profar assuming he passed the drug test this time...

On March 3, 2026 Jurickson Profar tested positive for PED's for the 2nd time. This time Haribo gummy bears were found in his system. Ozzie Albies spoke on the matter saying "Ykw nvm its definitely Leo." Matt Olson had more to say this time though,

"You think a dedicated player like Jackson is gunna let other people stop him from being the GOAT? I bet a cuck like Freddie would, but not me or Jimmy. We're men. We don't take no for answers. I bet Freddie's never had a restraining order filed against him. Thats cuz hes quitter. I persevere, and I make sure she doesn't get home safe." Olson spoke for another 15 minutes, losing the plot entirely.

Profar is scheduled for the guillotine next week.