User:Alph Main/sandbox

The Recruiter from Squid Games is a very handsome Asian gentleman. He did not die after shooting himself in the head, he was just placed on the 5 day IL. Now he has been tasked with convincing dummies across the MLB to play shid gamez.

Big Meat Pete

Pete Alonso is a fat baseman for the New York Mest. He has earned the nickname "The BiPolar Bear" due to the sexual mood swings he experiences after eating cheeseburgers.

Alonso was born in Tampa Bay, Florida, and REALLY played high school baseball with schizophrenic Kyle Tucker. Similarly to Tucker, Alonso was also spawn camped by Wander Franco. Alonso digested every ball hit towards him as Kyle Tucker got slutty in the outfield. Tucker would sometimes tell Alonso "I think theres a guy inside me," in which Pete responded with "Gay ahhh."

Its all about the Mets baby woohoo Mets

Alonso screams after a wasp goes up his ass.

The Mest selected Alonso 64th overall, which was the number of meals Pete had that day (It was 11am). Alonso was sent to the Vegas Gamblers to lose all his money, but Alonso instead hit the very last home run ever at Vegas Stadium. That is, until the A's move there. After celebrating by jumping at home plate, the stadium collapsed to rubble and Alonso was neutered.

The Mest brought up Pete to the big, very big, leagues in 2019. Although he couldn't run to 1st base in less than 5 hours, Alonso had raw power to destroy baseballs out of the stratosphere. Alonso became the first pookie in MLB history to serve himself 11 extra plates. By the all sex break, Alonso broke Cody Bellinger's record of 26,000 pot brownies eaten. Alonso was named an all sex reserve, but couldn't attend because he didn't fit through the doors.

On July 8, Alonso won his 1st obesity derby, narrowly beating Fatty Guerrero Jr of the Blue Gays. Pete eventually set a pookie record 53M calories eaten. Alonso won Pookie of the Year after receiving 29/30 votes. The only voter who didn't pick Pete was Kanye West, because "fat bitches disgust me."

In the COVID season, Alonso struggled as he couldn't go to McDonalds and order his usual 80 big macs. Danny of Yahoo Sports called it "a season to forget." Alonso responded with "forget this buddy" as he whipped out his 2 incher in front of Danny's kids.

Quaking God

In 2021, Alonso won his 2nd obesity derby, proving himself to be a safety concern on roller coasters. By September, Alonso became the 2nd fastest player to use "ITS CLOBBERIN TIME" 100 times, only behind CaseOH. After the season, Alonso signed a 1 yr 7M pounds of pasta contract. He went through it all in one week.

Alonso after he is refused a 7th meal at the funeral.

Early in 2022, Alonso was clipped on Insta Reels after getting in a car crash in Tampa Bay. He got T-boned by Jose Siri, who was distracted driving because he was watching Talk Tuah. In the first week of Ramadan, Pete ate his first career grand salami sandwich, prepared with 3 bottles of oil.

After being named an all sex again, Alonso went for the obesity derby three peat. Sadly, this time he lost out to Juan Soto who ate 60 kilotons of guacamole. Pete finished the season with a new Mest record of 125 heart attacks. He helped them win a playoff game against the San Diego Paddies after hitting a homer off Nick Martinez, my cousin. Unfortunately, the blessing of Daniel Camarena was too powerful and the Padres advanced to kiss men.

Its also worth noting a video Alonso made, where he REALLY says "Hey! How's it going? I'm Pete Alonso with the New York Mets, and if you're watching this, you just lost to the San Diego Padres!" He soon realized that might not have been a smart video to make...

Too Big to Handle

Alonso crushed small animals throughout 2023, leading to a season disapproved by PETA. Alonso once again failed to win the obesity derby as Fatty Guerrero Jr tripled his milkshake consumption. While still having strokes at an above average rate, the crack in Pete's butt started to show.

Early into 2024, Alonso was offered a 7 year 156 million meal swipes contract extension. Pete refused though, as he planned to get 300M meal swipes and a Dirty Birds discount later that year. In 2024, Alonso was mid and lost in the obesity derby yet again. He tried to kill himself after the loss, but he couldn't fit the noose around his neck. He stayed with the Mest for the postseason, where he famously drank 3 megatons of beer against the Milwaukee Drunks, eliminating them from planet earth.

Alonso set out into Free Shittery looking for an unhealthy diet. He almost got it with the Toronto Blue Gays, but he failed the physical as he couldn't run a quarter mile in 90 days. With no team willing to risk tipping the group plane over, Alonso returned to the Mest on a 2 yr 54 meals a day contract. This was way too few meals for him, and he became depressed.

It would seem Alonso needs some money to buy food...

Dadley

Valid.

Adley Rutschman is a Fratboy Catcher for the Baltimore Golden Oreos. Rutschman was created in a snowbunny laboratory, where scientists work on producing blonde 20 year olds with lethal face cards. Other famous people produced here are Logan Paul, Sue Storm, Sydney Sweeny, and Leonardo Castaneda.

Adley famously won the College World Series for Gravity Falls University. He won WS MVP after trapping Bill Cipher in his brain and forcing him to die from lack of activity.

Sweet Dreams are made of these

The Oreos used all of their draft picks to collect white boys like infinity stones. The took Adley first overall, as they were impressed with his ability to pull baddies AND maintain a 0.98 GPA. Upon joining the Orioles, Adley founded his Fraternity "Sigma Sigma Sigma." The criteria for joining was relatively simple, all you had to do was fail an IQ test and also not be black.

Dadley was originally going to start his career in April 2022, but he injured his triceps trying to curl 400 pound dumbbells at the gym. He informed the Oreos that the huzz were watching, and they let him off easy. This meant Adley got to party on schoolnights for 2 more months. Rutschman eventually made his debut in late May after bombing his finals. He collected a triple vape in his first at bat, and was greeted with "Yuhhhhs" from his fratboys.

The emergence of Adley led the Oreos to get blackout drunk. They were in prime position to reach 1000 insta followers, but in September Adley's parents banned him from hosting street parties. He threw both socially and academically, leading to a group suicide of Sigma Sigma Sigma. Adley finished 2nd place for pookie of the year behind Julio Rod. Devastated, Adley used this as an excuse to cheat on his girlfriend (he was going to do it anyway).

Yogurt Sigma Sigma

The Oreos helped rebuild Adleys frat, which he now called Yogurt Sigma Sigma. Adleys new co-leader was Gunnar Henderson, who really liked guns. They became friends in the middle of a farm animal studies final, where Adley was struggling. Gunnar yelled out "Josh Allen!" and Adley realized the answer was Goat.

How Adley looks at you when you say you want to do homework instead of party at 2am on a Wednesday.

In the first game of the season, Adley set MLB history by being the first player to go 5-0 in drunk party fights. Dadley and Gunner went on sensational 2 mans, bagging all the fine shyts while doing that teeth licking move. This came at the cost of their calculus grades, as they still didn't know wtf a "cosign" is. By the all sex break, the Oreos were top frat and raised millions for charity. There was no charity, Adley would use the money to buy onlyfans subrscriptions.

Adley was named an all sex in 2023, but he was disappointed Gunnar skipped the all sex game to study for his life defining test. Rutschman finished the year winning a Silver Spooner award, while Gunnar won pookie of the year. The male snowbunnys went into the playoffs loaded on creatine, but they're massive dongs wouldn't save them from the ass whooping the Texas Unc's gave them.

Yogurt Sigma Sigma brought in even more blonde boys, leading to beautiful group sex. Gunnar learned the right stroking pattern for Jerkmate, leading to a near MVP season. Dadley began the season strong, being named an all sex and forcefully dragging Gunnar with him this time. The 2 cemented themselves as Oreo legends for bagging abgs that were under 4ft tall. Gunnar and Dadly were both expelled for skipping their Heterosexuality studies final.

In July, Adley put his hand in a blender for 5 bucks, leading to it getting shred apart. Rutschman finished the season getting no play, and Yogurt Sigma Sigma was shut down after the Kansas Shitty Royals found tons of fent mixed in the prune juice. The Oreos punished all their white babies by forcing them to eat one sip of spicy salsa. They all melted on the spot.

It would seem Adley needs some money to refund his fraternity...