Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/June 15

There is such an enormous amount of money involved in professional sports nowadays that the temptation for athletes to cheat in order to hoard the Benjamins has never been greater. What's a little heart attack at 45 years of age when the possibility to make a fortune is within reach? Nothing problematic there. Liver failure? It doesn't matter if that dynamite can squeeze 20 extra home runs out of you; living a short life in the fast lane is better than a long one at a snail pace, isn't it? Murdering your whole family thanks to a rage induced by a 10 year steroids binge? Collateral damage. Stuff happens.

Sadly, the above accurately depicts the mindset that athletes who use performance-enhancing drugs are developing as they face the pressure to perform at all costs. For this reason, they resort to doping like there is no tomorrow, frantically feasting on pills, sticking needles in their behinds and snorting powdered gorilla livers in order to crush the competition. (Full article...)