Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/July 7

So you got home with a soggy, screaming 7-10lbs of a future taxpayer. Your memories from the hospital and the delivery room are hazy at best, with fleeting images of fainting or near-so dads kicked out of the way, the doctor mumbling something about "too late for epidural" while poking his head between the mother-to-be's legs with that sleazy grin you're supposed to take as friendly. The thought of maybe we should have used a condom after all being on top of your mind. And in the midst of the confusion and exhaustion when you crash on the sofa at home, you're staring at the bundle in your arms wondering what now?

The bundle of joy, the cause of all your future misery is deceivingly innocent in its sleepy state, with its itsy bitsy toes and itsy bitsy fingers, and with the occasional sleepy sound you could have sworn was "dad-da". When awake, a baby is controlled by its urges. To the untrained eye, these are food, poopied nappies that feel uncomfortable (We'll get to the rashes later) and various tummyaches and in cases of badly planned parenting, babies lifted or cuddled by strangers will scream as loudly as they can in an effort to summon a panicking parent to "rescue" them from their tormentor back to tormenting their parents. If I'm going to abort the next one doesn't cross your mind at least twice a day, the baby's failing its mission. (Full article...)