Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/July 19

UnNews HQ -- Following the recent incidents involving the utilization of human flesh as a source of nourishment, cannibalism cases are on the rise on a global scale. Requiring less digestive effort than gorging on chicken, eating people has traditionally been reserved for the elite, but now many are trying to imitate the now infamous Miami Face Eater in an attempt to go down in the history books right before getting shot by the police. The self proclaimed "Cleveland Face Eater" is currently at large and is comfortably leading the race in cannibalism's "Face Eating" category on Youtube. He posted at least six instances of faciès delectation, where he can be seen chewing the facial attributes off numerous people, casually washing it all down with some Old Milwaukee Dry. The CEO of the brewery, Mr. Milwaukee, an old and dry fellow himself just like his beer, had this to say about the cannibal:

"This is all great publicity for us! It's awesome to see someone who enjoys a low-calorie, ice-cold beer made for the Ultra life while chewing a protein-rich face and eyeballs. Modern people are taking care of their diet and have an active lifestyle, and the Cleveland Face Eater is a prime example of today's active family man: he chose some young subjects, whom he knew he would have to chase down for a while. The blokes didn't let go of their faces easily, making for great cardiovascular exercise and as they say, you are what you eat, so it's worth catching a fast one. It's all very compelling viewing."

Another well-publicized and somewhat disconcerting instance of cannibalism occurred at the Idaho House of Representatives, where Congressman Tee Bone (R) was savagely attacked by the Speaker of the House right in the middle of a lengthy speech about the new system of gradation of bovine meat for small producers. The Speaker's sudden and ferocious attack was reminiscent of a school of piranhas in a feeding frenzy. (Full article...)