Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/December 1

Everyone loves winter sports, mainly because you get to watch people, animals and animalistic people freezing their arses off whilst sitting in the warm, on your lardy one. Even better are the highlights, when you can see someone disgustingly fit (ughh) freeze to death in hi-definition, frame by frame slo-motion (hurray). In recent times, global warming has threatened winter sports and terrified sponsors (Frigidaire, Icy Glacier Inc., etc) so in an attempt to gain viewership, the range of sadistically delightful activities on offer now incorporate important dangers of hypothermia. The casualty rate is high in the new test sports, which is annoying when presenting medals to frozen corpses. They just don't act grateful. It's proposed that audience members who can spare a burger or ten throw these to moribund athletes before the point of death. At −50 degrees, a frozen meat product whacking you in the eyeballs or, better, testicles, can be quite an incentive to man up and carry on. (Full article...)