UnScripts:The Importance of Being King Minos

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The Importance of Being King Minos is part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions

Recently a series of wax tablets buried somewhere in Genoa were found to be a signed draft of a lost work by Ovid. It was something lighter than his usual epics, which he had understandably tired of in the writing of this. The work below, translated into English, is what looks like the first ever comedy of manners; which was to be played in theatres in 20 minute intervals with 5 minute advertisement breaks in between acts.

Act I Scene I[edit]

Dining room portico. Enter Icarus holding a broken statuette.

Lady Thisbe: And what would your likes be doing home at this hour?

Icarus: Sorry ma'am I was just sacrificing my old girlfriend to the King.

Thisbe: Well don't let it happen again. Now, where were we Bacchus?

Professor Bacchus: Ah yes we were just discussing the ascension of Alexander the Great.

Thisbe: And what was your verdict on the chap?

Bacchus: Darling you know what I think of those blessed Macedonians.

Thisbe: Macedonians?

Bacchus: Macedon; you know: where the nuts come from.

[Exit Icarus while sulking at his being ignored]

Thisbe: Now that that mistake has finally given us some fresh air, shall we retire to make love all night with that dancing-girl?

Bacchus: I should take the pleasure most immensely.

Act I Scene II[edit]

Foyer of the Temple of Knossos, which may look exactly the same as the dining room in the previous scene due to budget cuts.

Icarus: Have you guys checked out the King's new hot lady-friend?

Ben: No that's how Fred got killed.

Icarus: Oh yeah. Ya wanna aimlessly chuck rocks into the pool round at the back courtyard?

Ben: What a novel idea!

Icarus, Ben and a mute Assyrian slave carrying his bloodied leg scurry along to the back courtyard on the right

Icarus: So how did things go with that 13-year old?

Ben: Oh you know me: slay on first date!

Icarus: No I didn't Ben that's absolutely abhorrent. A real gentleman would not go into such detail.

An attractive slave-girl walks in. Icarus puts on a mask with the inscription 'I AM FALLING IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT' clearly engraved on the forehead to signify that he is falling in love at first sight

Alotta Pussia: What are you doing, loitering in the palace of Knossos?

Icarus: You've a great set of tits

Alotta Pussia: Blushing Thanks. Now get to fuck before I call upon the King to have your balls severed off and attached to your maggot-eaten eyes.

Icarus: And what an ass!

Act II Scene I[edit]

Dungeon of the Temple; which may look smartly done up in for a dungeon; perhaps more like a dining room

Icarus: Suspended from chandelier We're really for it now, eh Ben?

Icarus remembers that Ben escaped when he had the chance because he wasn't a retard

Icarus: Shit this'll be a long boring scene.

[Enter Alotta Pussia]

Icarus: 'Sup sugartits will you be giving big poppa some lovin'?

Alotta Pussia: If by 'some lovin' you mean unaesthetic castration in preparation to a long series of tortures then yes; that'll be seen to in a few hours.

[Exit Alotta Pussia]

Icarus: I fear that my life may be at great risk. I cannot see a future in this world. I shan't see the light of tomorrow unless... unless... unless some great and incredible miracle happens... right around now...

Suddenly the trumpets sound and an emergency meeting is called in to the throne of the King

Act II Scene II[edit]

At the throne of King Minos, where the chandelier may still have bits of fabric trapped in it

Messenger: The Athenian armies are fast approaching! We must swiftly prepare for battle!

Minos: Shit!

Bacchus: It's that Theseus bastard isn't it? Why's he always getting on our cases?

Minos: It might have something to do with that time I got his family and loved ones slaughtered.

Bacchus: How will we conjure up an army?

Act III Scene I[edit]

Battlefield; which may have a long table placed obstructively in the middle and a chandelier hanging unrealistically from the sky.

Bacchus: Die Athenian scum!

Athenian scum: Oi that's racist!

Bacchus: Yes I suppose you're right. It's the Macedonians we should be worried about. Strutting over here, taking our jobs and invading and ransacking our villages!

Athenian scum: See: you just can't say that in public. Besides, statistics are showing that the increased influx of ransacked villages is in fact boosting the economy, and eventually that money is sure to trickle down to the people and improve our quality of life.

Bacchus: Political correctness gone ma--

Bacchus is slain.

Theseus: Hail soldier. Looking forward to becoming a liberator of Crete?

Soldier: I want my mum!

Theseus: Tough shit kiddo she's dead.

Minos: Theseus! Theseus! Where are you, o Theseus?

Theseus: In an American accent Sorry I'm late to the party; I was too busy screwing your mother!

Minos: And I'd bet you'd be screwing your own if I hadn't trapped her between two boats to be eaten by flies for the 3 weeks approaching her death!

Theseus: You may have witty comebacks but I can still kill you!

King Minos is slain.


Theseus took over at the Palace of Knossos. He was a fair and just king; freeing all prisoners from the palace's nicely-kept dungeons, including Icarus. For Love Was Requited, and the freed Icarus liberated slave-girl Alotta Pussia, and raped her ever after.