UnReviews:Jurassic Park

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Ah Jurassic Park, it claims itself as a theme park where you can go back to a time when dinosaurs ruled the earth, where you can see amazing animals such as a Triceratops and Stegosaurus up close. Yes it seems fun and all but beneath the facade is something completely despicable, something that's a slap in the face to all mankind. In this review I hope to expose the fallacy that is Jurassic Park.


When I arrived the place looked good enough; green serene trees, tall mountains, blue skies... It felt like I was in paradise and when I first saw the dinosaurs, that's when my jaw hit the floor. Holy shit! was the best way to describe it. I was driven to my location by the park's owner by John Hammond who seemed to be a nice enough person to hang around with. When I arrived at the hotel, it looked nice enough; I though "man, this is going to be a pleasant visit." Little did I know that a surprise would be waiting for me in my room. So I entered the hotel room and wouldn't you believe it, the wall was gone; it looked like it'd had been torn through by a T-Rex or something. I thought to myself... "maybe this is a one time incident, surely they'd have things under control by the time I arrived." I did not like that there was cold wind blowing through my window, it made me feel like I was living in the ice age; one filled with dancing hormonal zebras.

The tour[edit]

Seriously, I almost got eaten by one of those things.

During my first day in Jurassic Park, I was convinced to take the tour by Mr. Hammond himself who seemed enthusiastic to have me explore the island. I boarded one of their jeeps which seemed to run on an electrified rail and joining me were your usual tourists; the kids who weren't able to be controlled, the wife and husband who were eager to take pictures of anything they wanted, the woman who was excited to be here and of course the dog who barked loudly and took smelly shits. Already I was dreading the tour.

From what I could tell, the tour was going fine; there were no major incidents, we got to see real, live dinosaurs and I was having fun with the exception of dealing with those bratty kids. Then something unexpected happened; the jeep stopped. I thought "maybe they're having some technical problems." and then I saw the smoking gun, a broken fence. And you know what came out of that fence, a tyrannosaurus rex. It sniffed us while we remained still, analyzing it's meal to see if it was tasty or not. At first it seemed like the T-Rex would leave us alone and then it striked at us, tearing the top of our jeep. Suddenly the Jeep sped while the T-Rex followed. I thought we were done for, that the T-Rex would have eaten us but luckily we managed to outrun the T-Rex and make it back in one piece, already I'm feeling afraid for my life.

River Adventure[edit]

Quote1.png Seriously, this is basic security we're talking about. Quote2.png

I thought the River Adventure would be a notable improvement over that tour I took. Surely there couldn't be anything that could go wrong right? I thought my fears were quelled when I first saw the dinosaurs roaming around in the river; they appeared harmless and it was certainly majestic to see them in action. However my worst fears would be confirmed when my boat was knocked off course and entered a restricted area. First off, how the hell can a restricted area be open for access; you would of thought the people running the place would keep these areas off limits to the general public. Secondly, why is there a damaged fence? I thought the security team would know how to keep the fences from being damaged, after all they are entrusted to keep the people safe from harm right?

Lastly, why is it that I have to suffer through a personal hell? A man shouldn't be subjected to dangerous dinosaurs everywhere, I don't want to fear for my life when flashing lights happen and a dinosaur appears out of fucking nowhere. The most accurate way I can describe this is being in a bizarro jungle, one where people feel trapped and helpless. I know I felt that way as the lapbar prevented me from moving even a single inch and if that wasn't enough, I had to go through a god knows how high drop in order to escape the dinosaurs. I'm afraid of heights and that person shouldn't have to face such heights, even if it was to escape yet another T-Rex.

Visitors Center[edit]

Additionally, I could of been eaten by those things as well.

After those two incidents I decided to spend my remainder inside the visitors center where everything was safe and sound. I'd get to look at the various dinosaur bones collected over the years and read up on the history of the dinosaurs and I thought I would be safe here. I mean look at the place, there's no way dinosaurs could even get in here and it almost felt like a museum at times; a museum filled with dinosaurs but you get the point.

Of course, the safety part was only an illusion.

While I was reading up on the cretaceous period I heard people screaming from a distance. I thought it was a kid having a tempertantrum but I was proven wrong when I saw a live velociraptor chasing them. I did what any person would do and I ran, ran through the various hallways just hoping I would reach an exit, while I was running I encountered a velociraptor that was right on my tail; I tried to run faster but the velociraptor managed to outrun me and get this, he bit my leg off. I treasured that leg so dearly, it allowed me to walk, run, do soccer, that type of stuff and it saddens me that I'll never be able to do those things again. I thought I was done for until Jurassic Park handlers arrived in an attempt to tranquilize the velociraptor. They of course failed but it did give me a chance to escape through the emergency exit. It appears I didn't have to go to the gift shop in order to get a memento of my visit as my lost leg would be a permanent reminder of my visit to Jurassic Park.

John Hammond's office[edit]

Quote1.png If I had to guess who his imaginary friend was, I'm guessing it would be a dancing hormonal zebra. Quote2.png

I was so pissed off with my visit that I wanted to leave but John Hammond was adamant, inviting me to his office in order to talk it out. He went on and on about how Jurassic Park entertained people and how it changed the world, he also praised my reviewing skills and offered to do anything for me. Never have I seen such asskissing in my life, it felt like I was god and he was trying to suck my dick; if he thinks that he can get a good review just by kissing my ass; he's mistaken. I have integrity damnit, I'm never going to give a 5-star review just because he gave me free stuff and called me the best. I swear there are too many people giving this place 5-stars, it's like an excuse to be lazy with the security and overall quality of the park.

Anyways, we were talking for minutes on end and during the conversation a dilophosaurus appeared through the front door and started to squeeze venomous acid at us. Luckily Hammond kept a gun in his desk just for such emergencies and he managed to kill it. The room looked like a mess, purple stains everywhere and the blood of the recently killed dilophosaurus was dripping on the floor. During this moment, I asked John Hammond why the park has such poor security; he laughed at the notion that the park was insecure and praised the top of the line security system in which he thanked Steve Jobs. Than he engaged in discussion with what appeared to be an imaginary friend, talking about how superior Jurassic Park is to any other theme park. At this point in time I gained the impression that John Hammond was crazy. I then asked for a helicopter ride home while expressing my disgust about the park, I don't think he listened to my rant as he continued to talk to his imaginary friend.


Jurassic Park is a shitty place that's lacking in all major areas. I don't understand how people can go to it and have a good time, maybe because it's the only place where you can see dinosaurs but you wouldn't take your kids to get eaten by dinosaurs would you? Matter of fact why is it that dinosaurs are interesting, because they're majestic? grand? I'll tell you something, dinosaurs are nothing but pain in the asses, always getting free of their cages, appearing in the most unlikely of locations. If I were Hammond I wouldn't open up a dinosaur theme park at all, I would just open up a regular zoo filled with hormonal zebras and be done with it. This place is unsafe, dangerous and deadly and I wouldn't go back even if Hammond payed me.

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This subject is 1.5 out of 5 stars!
That's fairly bad...