UnNews:UK Redefines Time Itself: Late Trains Now Officially On Schedule
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The Government has introduced British Railway Time (BRT) - a revolutionary new timekeeping system where a train is never late, no matter how long it takes to arrive.
Under BRT, time is considered moist while on board a train. A journey advertised as taking two hours may in fact take five, but since passengers remain within the elastic time bubble of BRT, they are technically never late.
Transport Secretary Gavin (We don't know his last name) explained the concept:
"Time is an outdated relic of the past, and probably a teeny bit racist as well. BRT acknowledges that time changes literally every second, much like our railway fares. If a train is scheduled to reach Manchester at 2 PM but arrives at 6 PM, that simply means 6 PM is now 2 PM in British Railway Time. Couldn’t be simpler"
The new system is being heralded as a "historic victory against lateness", with rail operators now boasting a 100% on-time record.
Passengers stranded at stations for hours can now rest easy knowing that their train is, in fact, running perfectly on schedule - just not in the rigid, old-fashioned way they may have previously understood it.
Critics have pointed out that this may lead to minor inconveniences - such as missing flights, job interviews, and hospital appointments, but rail bosses have reassured the public that these complaints are unfounded.
"If you miss an important meeting because of BRT, that meeting is now late.
It's not your train that's delayed, it's your expectations."
-Gavin
While some have embraced the philosophy of railway time moistness, others, more specifically a group of bemused backpackers trapped on a stationary train outside Milton Keynes for seven hours, have expressed mild frustration.
