UnBooks:The Horror of the Little Red Riding Hood

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far away from the path to our grandmother, since the Great Old Wolves and other unspeakable terrors lurk in the curiously non-euclidean shadows of the woods.

- the last words of the Alzheimer-suffering grandpa

1. The Horror In Red Hood

She bore the name of Little Red Riding Hood. She was fat and really ugly. Being not the most uneccentric of people, she was obsessed by her family heirloom - little red riding hood, after which she was named in a most apt manner. All her relatives had passed away over time; except for her vegetarian grandmother, who was living behind the dark thick woods.

One fine day, the girl went hiking and found a videotape in the forest. Uncertain as of what to do with it, she put it in her TV and watched it. It was hard-core porn. The girl was so happy to see it that she made one of those emo-girl death pacts to commit suicide in 7 days, if she could not show it to any other people and thus distribute this most excellent genre to a wider public. Living in a desolate homestead in the middle of nowhere, her only possible target was her grandmother. Afraid of fulfilling her promise to kill herself in 7 days, she set herself on her way.

2. An Antecedent And A Horror

She traveled for 6 days, and on the morning of the 7. day she had nearly reached her grandma, when a Big Bad Wolf came out of the bush, saying: "What do i see there in your hand? Heh, you have got some taste on good movies. I know your grandma, and I'd like to say her hello if I'd know where she lives." The Red Riding Hood listened curiously, but looked at the Big Bad Wolf with a not quite affirmative impression on her face.

Big Bad wolf decided to persuade her another way: "I see you're really fat and ugly. Now you're not ugly, as in, interesting, you're ugly like someone in a freak show, who has furthermore fell into a nuclear waste dump. You're so fat you couldn't find your ass without a map! You'll never get laid. Unless... you tell me where your grandma lives! Then I'll sleep with you." The Red Riding Hood saw that the Big Bad Wolf was right and the wolf fucked the incredibly fat and ugly Red Riding Hood, in return gaining knowledge about the where-abouts of the grandmother. Once done, they both went separately towards grandmother's house. The wolf, obviously, moved faster than the overweight Red Riding Hood.

3. The Terrible Old Woman And Subsequent Horror

On the evening of the 7. day, after a tiresome journey through the forest, Little Red Hood reached the cozy home of her grandmother.

The Little Red Riding Hood reached her grandmother's huge house; it was a Victorianic house of a most oppressive atmosphere. Being tired of travel and the encounter with the Big Bad Wolf, she immediately took a nap and woke up a few hours later, on nearly midnight. She called for her grandmother, nobody answered. Going to her grandmother's bedroom, she saw her corpse and screamed. Suddenly, the Big Bad Wolf appeared out of nowhere.

"Little Red Riding Hood! I wouldn't tell anyone about this, cause if they found out about grandma, they're going to find out about the others."

The hysterical Red Riding Hood shouted: "You did this! Where are the others?"

"LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD! I want you to wake up, look down, and take a really, really, really good look at her." The girl bowed down, listening to the counsel of the wolf, and looked the body of her grandmother. Suddenly she understood, and asked herself the question.

"And where do you live, Big Bad Wolf?"

"I live in the weak and the wounded... Little Red Riding Hood."

The girl realized herself to be unconsciously a murderer under her alter ego Big Bad Wolf. There was no other murderer; there was just her who had killed her parents and then grandmother, also having some sicko zoophiliac dreams on the way to her granny's house. Thus being a schisophren, not having got laid after all, being fat and ugly, and, most importantly, not having fulfilled her promise to show the tape to someone in 7 days, the Little Red Riding Hood smashed the porn tape against the wall, took out the magnetic tape from it, and hung herself with it on a lamp. Due to her bodyweight, the lamp fell down from the ceiling against her head and caused a bleeding wound. Suddenly, the girl had a burst of life, she wanted to live again! The Little Red Hood ran around the enormous house searching for bandages to seal the bleeding, but the house was far too large and non-euclidean. She thought nothing could save her... when suddenly... it appeared she was right. She fell onto the floor due to loss of blood. Rats living in the house, who had been starving since the grandmother became a vegetarian, came out of the wall to deliriously drink her blood and eat her flesh, relieving the Red Riding Hood of her abominable physical body. She died a slow and gruesome death. Only her red hood remained of her, to be used as a toilet-cleaning rag by future generations.

Sources, for those unfortunately ignorant not to innerly know the non-euclidean depths of mentioned stories

• Red Riding Hood
• The works of Howard Phillips
• Ringu
• Session 9
• My very own non-euclidean brilliancy