UnBooks:That time I didn't get anally probed by aliens when I visited the south

THE JOURNAL OF WALTER B. SAKIE.

(No, I'm not too old for a journal. Fuck off.)

April 5, 2009. 8:23 PM.

So, despite my better judgement, I've decided to visit cousin George this week. George is one of those paranoid folks, if you get what I mean. He believes in... get this... ALIENS! Yeah, I know, what a freak. Oops, probably shouldn't have said that, but, I mean, he kind of is. Still, someone's got to visit him I guess. Gah, fuck me...

April 7, 2009. 3:26 PM.

Well, I'm here. Just fucking great. I've gotta stay in this piece of shit house. The boards are cracky, the place smells. Hell, he probably has a deformed pet rat.

April 7, 2009. 3:52 PM.

HE HAS A FUCKING DEFORMED PET RAT.

April 8, 2009. 6:20 AM.

Couldn't write this last night. Laughed myself to tears, and cried myself to sleep (from laughing, that's it). According to 'ol George, he's been abducted by aliens. HAHAH! What a douche! Wait, wait, wait, it gets better... He says he was anally probed! Anally fucking probed! He's worse off than I thought... Maybe I should order him some medication...

April 9, 2009. 7:45 PM.

Gotta write this quick. After serving another shit meal (I think it was roadkill or something), he tells me he's going out to the so-called "Connection Point." Apparently, that's where the alien abductions take place. We're going out at 11. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I laughed in his redneck face when he told me about the first abduction (haha anal probe). Anyway, he says it has to be dark, otherwise they won't come. What, they need mood lighting? HAHAHA... That made sense, right? Fuck...

April 10, 2009. 1:22 AM.

Um... I'm not even sure what to say this time. I walked up there with him, and he started to freak out. I went to pull out a flashlight, and the bastard was gone. Just fucking gone. Waited on that damn rock for an hour before he got back. An hour, can you imagine that? No, you can't. You're just a journal, you can't imagine. Lol. Yes, I can "lol" if I want too. What was I talking about? Uh... oh yeah, so then he says he was abducted again. And anally probed, AGAIN. I was tempted to slap him. As soon as I get out of yokel-town, I'm getting him a professional. Someone's gotta be help him out, right? Really, it's nothing.

April 10, 2009. 6:21 PM.

Well, we went to a diner tonight. (If you can call it that critter-infested place a proper diner. Did I just say "critter?" Ugh, what's happening to me?) So to get to the point, he was talking to bunch of people there. See that picture over there? That's a couple of them. Ugly fucks, ain't they? So apparently, they've all been anally probed by aliens. Can you believe that? Well, I can't. So we're going back to the point again tonight. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. Haha. Bottom.

April 11, 2009. 1:54 AM.

It fucking happened again! This time, we went up, and they all disappeared. I was stuck on the rock up there (which was rather lumpy just so you know). So, an hour later, they appear out of the darkness, all holding their asses, like they're sore or something. It's a bit creepy.

April 11, 2009. 3:42 AM.

I'm not proud of myself, but my curiosity got the better of me. While 'ol George was in his little room snoozing away, I went in and I... I checked his asshole. I didn't do anything, just looked. And... and... it was red. Like, seriously red. Surprisingly smooth, but definitely red. Something's been up there.

April 11, 2009. 5:32 PM.

Well, I've convinced the gang to take me back up to the point. They're skeptical though. They say their assholes are hurting. I don't know, their groans sounded pretty convincing.

April 12, 2009. 1:12 AM.

FUCKING AGAIN. What am I not getting? Is my asshole not tempting enough for these paranormal creeps? My god, it's college all over again. I mean, I don't want to be probed. I'm not gay or creepy or anything. Still, why? It's just common sense. I'm obviously much smarter than any of them. Aliens could learn a lot more from a probe of me than from them. It just doesn't make sense.

April 13, 2009. 12:42 PM.

After another unsuccessful journey, they've begun to ridicule. I won't stand for it. I must put an end to this. Goddamn interplanetary bastards.

April 14, 2009. 4:14 PM.

I can't show my face here anymore. I've still yet to be abducted and/or probed. There's gotta be something I can do to fit in here. Come to think of it, I did know a guy up north who would do... things. Maybe...

April 16, 2009. 8:52 PM.

OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE.