The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution
Are you part of the over 9000% of Americans who are dreadfully overweight? Have you tried every single weight loss product that's out there, and had nothing work? Well now, my friend, there is a solution, one guaranteed to work, and that is The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution!
What it is[edit | edit source]
Do you want to drop some weight? Well now, with The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution, you CAN! When you order the product, you will be shipped a box filled with simple, easy-to-use surgical instruments such as knives, scalpels, and hacksaws of varying sizes. Use them to hack off your own flesh until you feel you've lost enough weight! Embarrassed and uncertain about going to your High School reunion in your current, overweight condition? Well, all you have to do is use some of the contained hedge clippers to slash a layer of fat off your stomach! All you have to do is wear something that covers your entire stomach, and nobody will notice the scarring! Got a check-up coming up, and embarrassed about getting on the scale? Simply remove your intestines, and you'll be much lighter, no doubt about it!
Why YOU should buy this product[edit | edit source]
You should buy this product because it is the next big weight loss solution in America. Who wants to spend all that time exercising in order to lose weight, anyway? Exercising and eating well would actually require putting in at least a marginal amount of conscious effort, and that's just a pain in the ass. With this product, it's as easy as one, two, three, -slash-, and then you're good as new! Many doctors have said that this product is just what the country needs to bring its average weight back down. "Right now," says one doctor who wishes to remain anonymous, "most people in America weigh more than the average hippo. But now, all they have to do is slice off a limb or two, and their weight is back to normal!" This doctor is only one of many thousands of medical experts and plastic surgeons around America who have embraced this product as a miracle in weight loss techniques. Before the invention of this product, you had to work your ass off in order to drop some pounds, but now all you have to do is buy our product and slice off your limbs and remove your organs until your weight loss needs are satisfied!
Success Stories[edit | edit source]
There are countless examples of people around this country who have used our miraculous product to drop their weight down to astonishing levels. Matty Sue Judkins of Newport, Georgia weighed 300 pounds before using The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution, but after using one of the knives that came with our product to strip all the flesh off both her legs and one of her arms, she managed to make herself 70 pounds lighter! "This was the only weight loss product that ever worked for me," she told us in an exclusive interview from her hospital bed, "God bless you, Ultimate Weight Loss Solution!" But Miss Judkins is not the only person to have found success with our product. Billy Jim Warbler of Springfield, Connectthedots weighed a shocking 430 pounds before using The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution. However, he used one of our exclusively sharpened hacksaws (able to slice through bone with ease!) to slice off both his legs, used the chainsaw to slash off his bottom jaw, then peeled all the flesh and muscles off of his lower abdomen, plummeting his weight to an astounding 170 pounds. Mary Jane Hodgekins of Cranberry Cove, Maine, weighed a shocking 700 pounds before using this product. However, after she was finished with it, she had removed all of her body parts, including her spleen, intestines, arms, legs, and skeletal structure, leaving just her head and a few of her vital organs intact. She miraculously managed to drop her weight down to an incredible 17 pounds! Unfortunately, her cat tragically ate her before she could do an interview with us, but she was happy with her weight loss, believe me!
Side Effects (very rare)[edit | edit source]
On very rare occasions, people have suffered some unfortunate side affects when using this product. A few individuals attempted to removed their brains, saying "I'm sure it'll lose me at least another pound!" Others have attempted to remove their entire digestive tracts, but ended up lying on the ground with their esophagi half removed, uncontrollably vomiting a mixture of blood and chunks of flesh. Another man reduced himself to a disembodied toe lying on the ground. There are records of many other instances of people becoming overenthusiastic while using the product, and hacking at themselves until they were reduced to disembodied eyeballs, noses, or ears lying in pools of blood on the ground. One woman sliced off so much of her body that all that was left of her was two of her teeth and one of her eyebrows. The light side of this is that she managed to drop your weight to an astonishing 2 ounces! And that's what you're out for right? You're desperate to lose some weight, aren't you? So what does it matter if you die? Just as long as you've paid us you've lost weight, everything will work out fine!
Order Now![edit | edit source]
The United States Surgeon General's office has praised this product, calling it "a simple and easy way to lose weight" while simultaneously condemning exercise and eating healthy food as "a total bore and a waste of time," which is absolutely true. Why bother exercising when all you really have to do to lose weight is chop off an arm or two?
So order now at 1-800-W8-LOSS to get YOUR copy of "The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution." If you call within the next twenty minutes, we'll send you a FREE copy of The Ultimate Headlice Solution, which is a fast and easy way to kill headlice. It is a bazooka. If you see that your son or daughter has lice, simply use this bazooka to shoot their head off! Boom! No more lice!!!" What's more, if you order now, we'll send you a preview magazine of The Ultimate Overactive Bladder Solution, a remarkable device that cures overactive bladder by ripping your bladder out! Don't miss this opportunity! It's the chance of a lifetime! Order TODAY!