Talk:Big Boss Man

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From Pee Review

Not sure if this is as funny as I intended. Any suggestions? --Don alun 09:47, 18 April 2007 (UTC)

As a random Eye-Pee user who has no overall influence on proceedings in any way and will be completely ignored - it could really use some references to this guy. You can't name an article like that and expect to get away with it without him noticing. --212.219.142.161 10:54, 18 April 2007 (UTC)

Put a couple in. Any more ideas? --Don alun 14:07, 21 April 2007 (UTC)

Humour:	6	It seems to me that the jokes are mostly flat. See endnotes.
Concept:	6	Well, Wikipedia has an article on Ray Traylor. So it's an appropriate subject.
Prose and formatting:	4	Needs work. See endnotes.
Images:	6	OK pictures, nothing special.
Miscellaneous:	5	My personal feeling was one of non-interest: if I wasn't doing a review I would have clicked away to something else pretty quickly.
Final Score:	27
Reviewer:	----OEJ 16:41, 21 April 2007 (UTC)

Endnotes: On prose: "He fell in to lonliness, desperation and bankruptcy." First, into and loneliness. But second, the article is telling us how Traylor felt and not showing us. Showing is nearly always stronger. Take these two passages:

George was in despair, and filled with feelings of persecution. He questioned God, and felt like dying. So God killed him.

George staggered into the middle of the street and fell to his knees so hard his kneecaps shattered like porcelain teacups hitting a concrete floor. "Why, God? Why do You torment me?" he shouted. Tears poured from his nose and ears. "Oh God, just let me die now," he sobbed. So God sent a Hertz rent-a-van around the corner and squashed George flat.

The second passage is longer and more work, but it has a much bigger payoff. The first passage tells us about George suffering and dying; the second one shows him suffering and dying.

On general humor: I think that one key to getting more humor into this piece is to look carefully at each paragraph and rewrite for punch, detail, and rhythm. Play with the piece: give each incident in your version of Traylor's life its full due.

You might even consider "overwriting" it -- writing all you can think of that might give punch and believability to each incident -- and then trimming back details that seem unnecessary. What you are after is appropriate detail: enough to let the reader visualize the essential, emotionally important parts of each incident but not so much that the details overwhelm the story.

These are just the ramblings of a ramblin' nut, of course. Take them with a grain of salt. ----OEJ 16:41, 21 April 2007 (UTC)

Yeah, I know what you mean. I started it with an idea, and thought it funny, but I don't think it has the legs for the whole article. I'll get to some parapgraph editing. Cheers Jack.

--Don alun 21:28, 21 April 2007 (UTC)