Taking the Law into Your Own Hands
Taking the Law into Your Own Hands (not to be confused with grasping and throwing legislature) is a much beloved and socially accepted traditional pastime in most countries, excluding the DPRK and CCCP. It traditionally involves a firearm, but has expanded to include katanas, hedge trimmers, steamrollers and the occasional landmine. Taking the Law into Your Own Hands will often result in the death of yourself, your enemies and the dog on the other side of the fence.
Taking the Law into Your Own Hands began with the case of Og vs Ig in 200,000 B.C. Og claimed that he had knocked a female on the head with a large stick before Ig to the tribal elder of the Smunklawhiri Tribe, and therefore had earned the right to mate with her. However Ig claimed that this was an obvious breach of the Universal Statute of Women's Rights, and that the female, Ag, wished to be with him rather than Og. After serious deliberation and postponement of a verdict for several months, the judges awarded Ig the female and also the counter claim for all court costs (ten Diprotodon eggs). Og was enraged and decided to Take the Law into His Own Hands. That night he entered Ig and Ag's tent during a mating session, and proceded to beat Ig to death with a club spiked with velociraptor teeth. He then mated with an impressed Ag, the first sucessful case of Taking the Law into Your Own Hands.
In Modern Usage
In modern times, Taking the Law into Your Own Hands has evolved into a norm that is accepted by the vast majority of society. Whether it's planting a bomb in a car parked in front of your driveway, or throwing a small grenade covered in peanut butter over the fence where that constantly barking dog lives; it is merely a part of modern life.
However, modern usage of Taking the Law into Your Own Hands also carries similar consequences to the ancient kind. Just as Og was chased down by Velociraptor Cavalry of the Smunklawhiri Tribe, his modern compatriots are often hunted down by paid mercenaries and the like. As dogs are the main cause and victim of Taking the Law into Your Own Hands, the emotional loss this causes often warrants a costly and time-consuming hunt for the perpatrator by the affected. Max is often more dangerous dead than alive, even though he was a large Rottweiler.
Guide for Killing Canines
We all know the Law does not take noise complaints seriously, unless they involve teenagers smoking pot next door. Killing your neighbours' dog is a good way to begin Taking the Law into Your Own Hands, and a good way to end a lifetime of Taking the Law into Your Own Hands. There are several foolproof methods involved that are bound to work in 98% of cases (unless you're dealing with Android Robo-Dogs, in which case nothing can help you short of an 50 Megaton Bomb).
This list deals with the most common and successful methods in dog related Taking the Law into Your Own Hands.
- 'Stomp-capping' This involves making a large enough hole in your fence so the dog can stick it's head out onto your property. Lure it with any assortment of dog lures (Bitch works best) and wait patiently for it to arrive. After a few seconds the neighbours' dog should arrive; quickly stomp on it's head to hold it in place, then shoot it with a firearm or sidearm. A silenced .22 pistol is recommended but weapons up to .50 caliber have been used in reality.
- 'Nade-baiting' A tried and true method that will really impress your friends. Any typical military grenade works well, and is guaranteed to eliminate all traces of neighbour dog over 5mm in diameter. Method is more difficult, you must 'fish' the dog out of its kennel. This is usually achieved by lifting your dog over the fence, and forcing it to urinate. Now, using a fishing rod/pole, jiggle your grenade to incite a bite. Coating your grenade with dog crap will usually work well enough, although the ends may not justify the means. If you really want to show off, make your own grenades. A dog embedded with nails and screws can be quite impressive. However many cannot go past the blood splattered wall and/or backyard effect that results from conventional grenades.
- 'Femme-Fatale' This concept is simple yet brilliant. It is also quite dangerous, but sure to evoke jealousy from your peers. A female dog (Bitch) is often very conveniently found, at a local pound or merely wandering the streets. Simply strap a few kilograms of C4 to its underbelly, and send it over the fence (note - this method only works for heterosexual male dogs and homosexual/transsexual female dogs). When the inevitable activity occurs, you can wait for the timer to end or remote detonate. Many prefer to remote detonate, as it allows the perfect humiliation of your neighbour. He or she really should have taken those threats seriously, you think, as they walk out the back door and receive a faceful of dog entrails.
Taking the Law into Your Own Hands - Repercussions
Exploding your neighbours' dog into next week may be rewarding and cause great satisfaction in the short term, but often leads to some serious consequences. An all too common after-effect is the 'Annoyed Neighbour' (often considered an understatement). An 'Annoyed Neighbour' will often try to extract revenge for your brilliant humiliation of them. They will often assail you with offensive comments on your way to work, or scuff your shoes in public. This totally unwarranted attack on youself should not be considered justified nor appropriate. Level 2 Taking the Law into Your Own Hands may be necessary in this case.
Taking the Law into Your Own Hands - Level 2
If you have reached this stage you are probably aware that you are a) Psychotic, b) Having trouble leaving your basement during the day, or c) Wondering why you never checked Uncle Andrew's well stocked gun cabinet earlier. Your neighbour by now has probably alerted the Law of your activities regarding their dog, and your refusal to acknowledge their paltry demands of compensation/apology or appeals to your conscience and morals (pffffft).
Now you are what the Law calls a fugitive and are wanted by the national animal welfare services and the Law. Animal welfare services are usually quite easy to dismiss with gunfire and proximity mines, yet the Law is in some cases less vulnerable. You may now find yourself in a Home Siege, which can be fun but will often result in your death. With this in mind it may be time to approach Level 3 Taking the Law into Your Own Hands.
Taking the Law into Your Own Hands - Level 3
By now you should have stocked up a few tonnes of plastic explosive, or a larger, relative amount of conventional explosive. Hopefully your neighbour has, out of desire for the satisfaction of closely observing your impending death, remained in their house. If this is not the case, it may be wise to contact a Bounty Hunter or similar outfit and wire 50% of your remaining funds to them, with another 50% promised on completion of the hit in an auto-transfer managed by a third party.
Nevertheless, it is time to blow yourself, the S.W.A.T Team, and half of your street to Kingdom Come. By now you appreciate the dangers of Taking the Law into Your Own Hands, but also understand the benefits. It is recommended to accomplish your martyrdom as a 'TLYOH' Legend in the most gratifying way possible.
Alternate Methods for Bipedal Creatures
Although dog related killings are the mainstay of Taking the Law into Your Own Hands, sometimes within the neighbour lies the problem. Common reasons for this include overhanging plants that drop decomposing fruit into your yard, blasphemous sexual blues music eminating from their shutters, and unsightly displays of ass-flesh perpetrated in their bathrooms. The folowing methods concern Bipedal creatures rather than canines, yet these methods are still effective on any living animal, including Furbies.
Fork in the Head
Fork in the Head is a popular method, somewhat because of its conveniency. Forks are easily appropriated from drawers, drains, fork parties, the skulls of stray cats and restuarants. Method of forking or forknique/stabtech ranges from the crude Neckstab (not considered a true forking by Master Forksmen) to an Ultimate Cranial Power Impale.
- 'Neckstab' Although not considered a true forking by the Cutler's Guild and frowned upon by forkers in general, we all have to start somewhere. There is no official written technique due to those practicising it, who are often illiterate plebs and in reality simply miss the head entirely because of their lack of adequate motor skills. After the stab, a fountain of blood should result from the entry point. Henceforth you shall be known as retarded.
- 'Forehead Plant' A recommended intermediate technique commonly practiced is the Forehead Plant. This is a stealth technique, characterised by its brutal suddeness. Approach and greet your neighbour casually as you normally would, for example "I told you to move those FUCKING pot plants away from my cockatoo, SHE DOESN'T LIKE FUCKING CHRYSANTHEMUMS!". After your neighbour replies with a usual response "Fuck off you lobster RAPIST CUNT, I know what you do, I've seen your FUCKING CAGES! I hear those POOR CRUSTAECEANS SCREAM IN AGONY every night!" quickly swing your arm up and embed the fork into your neighbours forehead.
A one inch entry depth is usually a decent Forehead Plant, meaning that your opponent cannot pull it out without assistance or machinery. However, a common indicator of a good depth is simply whether the fork can be pulled out or not. A recommendation is not to embed the Fork over two inches into the head, as it will make your neigbour immune to pain, which means you will require a giant fork to defend yourself in the future.
- 'Vertical Cranial Power Impale' This technique is most probably the most respected and prestigious attack ever attempted by Master Forksmen. It takes excessive training and a strong will to understand, let alone master this technique. Beginning with a four metre vertical leap from a stationary position, the Master Forksman will hold his fork at a downwards angle. His opponent will already be unable to defend him or herself because of the forksmans paralysis stare. Using gravitational force and Chi, the Master will impale the fork into the victim's cranium, causing permanent irreperable damage. As with this method, forks enter the skull so quickly (up to supersonic speeds) that they melt. This is a sure was to gain entry into the Master class of the Cutler's Guild. Of course, performing this attack wrongly will mean certain death.
Guinea Pig Bomb
A Guinea Pig is usually a pathetic and harmless creature only useful for kebab meat, unless the little fucker has rabies and bites you on your genitals. Strapping half a kilogram of C4 to its back increases this danger exponentially. An equation specifically deals with this matter.
As shown above, C4 will result in an increase of great magnitudes of danger (disregarding Pearson's Double Negative on the exponential derivative, of course).
This makes The Guinea Pig Bomb one of the most cunning methods of Taking the Law into Your Own Hands, by disguising the deadly C4 using the fluffy Guinea Pig.
- Step 1: Apply Araldite superglue onto the Guinea Pig's back or underbelly (alternatively, use hammer and nails).
- Step 2: Attach half a kilogram of C4 plastic explosive to the Pig.
- Step 3: Insert a primer into the C4.
- Step 4: Apply Araldite superglue to the Guinea Pig's feet.
- Step 5: Attach Guinea Pig to neighbours doormat.
- Step 6: Briskly walk away, flushing with Machiavellian pride.