Television New Zealand
“TVNZ got me where I am today!”
“Oh fuck, here we go again....”
Television New Zealand, more commonly referred to and stylized as TVNZ, is the only television network New Zealand has. 12% of kiwi's watch the channel, the other 88% either download shows illegally on torrent sites, or have a life. It should be noted that NZ Maori do not own TV's as they could be used as a weapon / classed as stolen property.
TVNZ's homegrown programme is called Cuntry Callendar. It is the NZ version of He Haw: Hick's Gone Wild.
History[edit | edit source]
“If this is the better option, I'm happy I can't watch TV.”
“I think I was Drunk when was at Granada”
TVNZ started in 1980 as a real public service broadcaster with swigging programmes like 'Ready to Roll' and Radio with Pictures. Since then, TVNZ has gained a reputation for getting out of paying expensive rights for programmes, instead airing them 3 years after their original airdate. An example of this would be Supernatural, in which NZ is three years behind.
In recent years, TVNZ has been known for investing millions in 'home-grown' programming, which has upped their viewership raiting by a whopping 0.636738%. They have also become wellknown for their high-demand primetime programming, such as twenty back-to-back episodes of Friends.
Channels[edit | edit source]
TV One[edit | edit source]
“Country Calendar is on their right”
“Why don't those things just die”
TV1 is home to Coronation Street. That's it really, only 16 years behind the original UK airdates. You don't get much better than that! ka pai NZ! Coming Soon: Coronation Street Classic - 24 back-to-back episodes, all day, everyday!
TV1 has TV1 news. But that is irrelevent given nobody watches it.
TV2[edit | edit source]
TV2 is home to TVNZ's %100 Maoriness. Maori's are shown almost everywhere, from the breaking news murder updates to the Top Ten Most Wanted List on Police-10/7 (a full-cast Maori show). TV2 is also home to Shortland Street. Arguably NZ's most popular programme. It is mainly popular with the younger generation, who are facinated with the main stories including bed-hopping, prostitution, date-rape and murder. Although the show enforces the above values, WAGGING SCHOOL is usually not encouraged.
It should be noted, that TV2's slogan is "Yuu wanna go ta Macca's fo a feed bru?"
TVNZ ondemand[edit | edit source]
A glorified version of YouTube, except clips only last for a day or two as the website cannot afford to keep them..
Other services[edit | edit source]
TVNZ has hepled Islanders get a TV serivce because they are too lazy to do it them selves.
Discontinued services[edit | edit source]
TVNZ operated TVNZ 6 from 2007 to 2011. TVNZ 6 did for TVNZ what ABC Family did for ABC. TVNZ 6 is a glorified recyle bin that plays kiwi great from Suzi's You and Me to the classic 1960's Deal or No Deal rip off. What's best is, the network can be purched on a digital receiver for only $14,502!
TVNZ 7, launched in March 2008, was a commercial-free news and information channel. They mainly focused on the increasing crime rate in NZ, yet never came to the obvious solution of sending the Maori's to Australia.
TVNZ Sport Extra was a temporary sports television station. A channel so poor, they couldn't afford rights to the Olympics, so instead copied clips off YouTube to show.
Transmission network[edit | edit source]
Technical notes[edit | edit source]
New Zealand uses PAL Bum (7MHz channel spacing) on VHF, and PAL homie G (8MHz channel spacing) on UHF.
- For stereo sound New Zealand uses NICAM so sheep and humans can use both ears
- NZ is a REGION 4 county. This means they can't watch DVDs. At all.
Future[edit | edit source]
“New Zealand's own Left-wing voice.”
As the National Party don't have sex with sheep they will turn TVNZ back into Public Broadcaster meaning Radio with Pictures will come back. There are rumours that they may use a time machine instead and bring the NZBC with the TV License coming back some say it may be $256 by 2008.The time machine will also be used to lunch Freeview DTT in 2003. And NZBC TV going alive in 1957, with TV2 becoming ITV with lunch in 1964, with NZBC2 coming around in 1975, with NZBC digital services like NZBC3, NZBC4,NZBC News 24,NZBC weather 24.Coming alive slowly after freeview lunchs NZBC3 is the channel totally for sheep while NZBC4 is for humans only but some sheep may watch while the rest are for humans and sheep as sheep are allowed to own TV's and must have their own TV license the NZBC will just as big as the BBC in UK which still makes it illegal for a sheep to own a TV or Radio.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Radio New Zealand Fake Lies
- Tv3 New Zealand (The fierce opposition)
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