Stamp collecting is a thrilling pasttime, done by nerds throughout the world. The aim of stamp collecting is simple; the more stamps you lick, the more sex you get.
The first part of stamp collecting is buying the stamp. My friend once travelled all the way to Madagascar to buy a rare stamp with a picture of Rosie O'Donell eating lard on it. He had to take out a loan from the bank, the satisfaction it gave him was immense.
Don't, whatever you do, go to Tajikistan. They won't sell you any stamps there, and send you back out of the country with your right testicle sewn onto your forehead. Sticking the stamps is the really exciting part. You can use any sticky substance, but licking is always the best. Be careful though, some people from Surinam have been known to use semen to stick their stamps down.
However, my 'friend' (is he worth it?) tells me that this is not the only way to obtain pleasure from stamp collecting. He once managed to acquire a rare Bolivian stamp by shagging the woman who owned it, in return for the stamp. Of course, my mate was twelve at the time, and the woman later turned out to be his great grand mother, plus the mother of hitler. YUK.
Stamp Collecting as a Sport
After its invention in the quadrateenth century, stamp collecting soon became an internationally recognised sport, and was added to the Olympic games. Arguably the most heated contest of Stamp Collecting was between The Republic of Gonorrhea and the Jolly Nations League. The epic battle went to 14 extra rounds, lasting an incredible 20 seconds. It was finally decided by a horrific slip up by Jonolulu Jimbably of The Repuplic of Gonorrhea. He slipped on a chocolate wrapper and accidentally played a common stamp, costing his team the game. There were many appeals made for a rematch, but all were rejected. This aggravated the Republic of Gonorrhea so much that it caused the Epic Stamp War (See below).
The Epic Stamp War
The epic stamp war began in 1599, and lasted for 1,000,000,000 (1 billion) years. It claimed many lives, and by the end no-one could remember what they were fighting over. Many historians have researched the war, but all of them are baffled by how ridiculous the whole thing was.
- papercuts in the tongue. Terrorists are suspected of using razor-sharp stamps to mutilate the tongues of unbelieving crusaders.
- Stamp Collectors Syndrome
- Having a more complete stamp collection than George Lazenby may result in him "Pulling a Diana" on you.
Footnotes of history
In Holland, the Dutch queen has objected against the use of her image on the stamps, the reason being that she doesn't want to be licked from behind.