St. Paul, Minnesota

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

St. Paul is the coldest place on earth. Like, colder than fucking Siberia. Jesus Christ it's cold here. I can't fucking feel my fingers while I type. Crap. Even though it's completely, ridiculously cold in St. Paul, it is still the seat of Minnesota's anarchical government, which has only been fully functioning during the Great Minnesota Government Shutdown of 2011. While it is indeed the coldest city on Earth, it is only the second largest city in the State, perpetually behind big brother Minneapolis in both size and importance. Jesus Christ it's fucking cold. St. Paul is second in many things- second largest city in Minnesota, second most important riverboat port on the Mississippi (after New Orleans), second largest city to begin with "Saint" (after St. Louis) second oldest city in the state, (after Stillwater), etc. The city has no real importance in the US economy, and if it were wiped off the map by a nuclear bomb, the only people who would miss it at all would be those in Minneapolis- because they would have lost the only thing that Minneapolis is better than.

History[edit | edit source]

The city was founded in 1832 by the infamous one-eyed whiskey dealer Pierre "Pigs-Eye" Parrant, who ran his moonshine operations in a cave under what is now downtown St. Paul. (This is actually true.) The city was known until 1858 as "Pig's Eye." While cities like Washington, DC and Paris have beautiful street-plans, St. Paul was laid out by three drunk Irishmen in Parrant's tavern. I'm not kidding. After Minnesota was incorporated as a United States Territory in 1849, there was considerable debate as to what city should be made the capital. St. Paul won the debate by having it's representative break into the other two other cities' (St. Peter and Minneapolis) representative's hotel rooms and burning their proposals. (Also true.)

From its humble beginnings, St. Paul grew rapidly into a regional in Lutafisk center of trade, quickly establishing itself as one of the upper mideast's five most influential capital cities, behind only Bhadad, WI, Bismark, ND, Fattyville, SD, and Iowa City, IA.

During the Civil War, St. Paul quixotically sided with the South, with Mayor R.J. Knottington saying emphatically "Damn the Yankees, they have the biggest cities- We will take that badge before this conflict ends." Sadly, with the victory of the North, St. Paul fell into poor standing with the Union, and was forced to pay steep reparations to neighboring cities, against whom it had launched several ill-conceived invasions including the 'bungle of Minneapolis' and the 'massacre at Anoka'.

As St. Paul's neighbor Minneapolis grew in size and influence, St. Paul was forced to undertake several large scale projects to attempt to regain its prestige as the center of Minnesotan culture- projects which included the Cathedral of St. Paul, the Ramsey's Westward Middle Finger Statue, and a vain attempt to reroute the Mississippi river through St. Paul's northern Suburb of Roseville in order to cut off Minneapolis from the source of its growth and affluence.

By the mid 1900's, St. Paul had become a major city to rival Reno NV, Portland OR, or even Austin TX. Again, the city took a daring stance by siding with the Soviet Union during the aftermath of World War II, with mayor Janice Whitman famously saying in 1951 "If the Russians win this, we'll be the only city left with more than a dozen people, take that New York you smarmy bastards"

Every railroad line in America once stopped in St. Paul, (due mostly in part to J. J. Hill's Great Northern Railway), but unfortunately, the airplane was commercialized(and manned by terrorists) and sent St. Paul's tallest building down the shithole.

After the St. Paul Wall came down in 1993, and St. Paul rejoined the western world, refocusing its economy from its soviet role as a manufacturer of barbed wire and low yield nuclear weapons to suit its role in the American economy by manufacturing barbed wire and low to medium yield nuclear weapons.

Today, St. Paul is a booming metropolis of mostly Somali and Hmong refugees, who have formed vicious gangs and killed all the white people.

Famous St. Paulites[edit | edit source]

  • Prince. Shit. He's from Minneapolis. My bad.
  • Garrison Keillor, known heretofore as the Exalted Grand Poobah of the Sons of the Daughters of Norway.
  • Odin.
  • Thor.
  • Vikings
  • Saint Patrick
  • Jesus
  • Dobby the house elf

Trivia[edit | edit source]

Trivia sections are Shazbot!

The article could be improved by reading it upside-down, or something, I dunno. Did you know it's impossible to lick your own elbow? Unless you're some kind of freak.

  • Named after Saint Paul.
  • The street order in downtown is 1st, 2nd, 4th, 5th, 8th, 3rd, 7th, 11th, 10th.
  • The St. Paul winter carnival was founded in 1886 to prove to the rest of the world that St. Paul, while being the coldest place on earth, could still be fun. Fuck that shit.

See also[edit | edit source]