The spam war of 2009

For the Interesting point of view on the Spam War from one of our more annoying users please see The Spam Wars.

spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam penis spam

Rising Tension

The spam war of 2009 had many events leading up to it and historians have puzzled over these for many many Saturday nights when they had nothing else to do. The most widely accepted theory is sites like youtube using mind control to convert good people into spam machines. It was done by using subliminal messages in those oh so enjoyable speech bubbles that appear on the screen. In those speech bubbles was messages like “spam spam spam spam spam spam spam lovely spam spam spam. . .” all referring to this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODshB09FQ8w. The video and its drone turned its viewers into spamming zombies.

A graph showing the rise of spam in the past year

The Turning Point

All these spam zombies were all well and good. It seemed that the internet had come up with a way of containing them. They were already spending all day on the computer so they were all given the free version of world of warcraft so they could spend all day on the computer somewhere else. World of warcraft was a very effective way of controlling these spam zombies because nobody on world of warcraft cared about them so they didn’t get the attention they feed on.

It wasn’t until the game crashed in July when the spam zombies actually caused any real effect. The game crashed and thousands of nerds had absolutely nothing to do. They were so bored, they even considered going outside but were satisfied with complaining on the world of warcraft forums. Spam zombies were not so easily satisfied. They were hungry from lack of attention and so stalked the internet in search of new sites to spam.

Many sites tried to control these spammers including runescape, ebay, myspace and facebook but the people there were not mindless nerds (with exception to runescape) and these people actually cared about spammers. The spam zombies grew in strength from all the attention they were receiving. Soon these sites broke from the amount of spam and it all exploded all over the whole internet

Twitter

Spam is on twitter

The spam war was still young and the leading sites were still trying to conceal its existence so that small internet sites continued as before. One of these sites was twitter. The whole idea of the site is to give nerds a opportunity to tell people what they were doing and have the impression that people actually care. Messages like “i had chicken for dinner” or “2 and a half men is on tv” or “cats are awesome” soon filled the recent tweets.

The regulars on twitter soon made it the fastest growing site in the internet. With its new found fame, it also attracted unwanted attention from spam zombies. The thing about twitter that appealed to spammers is how easy it is to spam. all you have to do is write “spam” in the “what are you doing” section and tweet it a thousand times.

Twitter saw the forces of spam grow a hundred times their original size. People got so outraged that they started flaming the spammers. This only made them stronger and soon they were all over the internet, infesting every site big and small

Email Spam

There were now so many spam zombies on the internet, they were starting to fight amongst themselves over spamming territory. Some of them were forced of the internet and to spam peoples inboxes with messages blatantly insulting the size of the readers appendage.

It wasn’t only dick jokes that these spammers resorted too. Soon they were using any tactic they could to compete with other spammers. Soon there was a new type of spam. fake antispam.

Users wanted this spam gone and so spammers appealed to their needs. They sent out emails saying “want to stop spam? click here” replying to these emails fed the spammers.

The Army Grows

Aaargh! It's a dreaded spam zombie

Despite the dest attempt from others, the army of spam zombies was growing by the second. The main tactic was spam banners on sites saying that you are the 68297846th visitor and have won a mystery prize. This site actually brainwashed the visitors due to the ugly hair of rick astley.

Email spammers also had techniques. Making emails threatening others to spam or they would kill their families due to dreaded chain mail. “send this to 5 other people or you will die or something” this forced other to spam weather they liked it or not.

Resolution

No body knows how the spam war stopped. Probably because it’s still going. I am in fact a spam zombie. By reading this you have gave me the attention in need and have helped my army grow >:D MUHAHAHAHAHAHTURTLECANCERLOLOLOLOOLOLOOL