Sex and Violence!
Sex and Violence are the two most common reasons for domestic accidents. It has been estimated that 80% of all accidents in- and outside of residential buildings are caused by Sex and Violence. Such an estimate cannot be too far-fetched, when we keep in mind that Sex and Violence are both the result of Alcohol, the substance that also causes a lot of accidents. That's a bunch of disturbing facts right there!
Violent car chases, shooting[edit | edit source]
All of us have been involved in a car chase at least once. The ordinary sequence is:
- someone steals your car
- you steal someone else's car
- someone calls 911, 112, 000, or 4435989822 033 122 79374909 49 97773636 9696663491120080 0808088, depending on area and dexterity
- a policeman gets notified
- car chase starts
- there is shooting
- someone is hospitalized
- there is a courtroom drama
- an old drunk has a large whiskey in the corner pub
- funeral
Three out of four adolescents in the USA have been in the United Kingdom at the time of these chases, and haven't been able to participate. But they would have liked to, because shooting is often a very good hobby, even if it is hard to hit a moving target if you drive a sportscar at top speed.
Sexy photo shoots; large breasts and implants; penis envy and big guns[edit | edit source]
Most of the photo shoots I have ever attended have been at least 60% sexier than average - owing to the fact that there have always been breast implants involved, and also a bit to the lesser fact that we used film in those days. Before that I used a pencil or in some extreme cases charcoal. Most of the pictures came out quite OK, considering the condition of the photographer - me. I never showed any of my parts in those pictures, except for the occasional finger. I'm not an actual professional, and I always went to church afterwards, even when I didn't need to.
A table about Sex, Sex and Violence, and Violence[edit | edit source]
| Occasion | Number of veterans | Machines, glue | Evidence, systems of collecting |
|---|---|---|---|
| Party, congress, submit | 5000 BC (approx.) - AD 2009 | Ever | Systematic dismantling of household property takes place. Pulverised chairs fill the corridor. |
| Singapore, Shanghai, Sapporo | Nonexistent luminosity | None | Mostly construction workers; strong need to recollect what was lost in translation |
| Virginia Woolf | She walked into a stream and stuck her head into an oven | Three women from different eras; lesbians and so on | Alluvial climate, smooth and easily cultivated landscape. Thousands of different professions available - including pimp. |
| Factory, maybe a car factory. Semi-automatic. | 5000 BC (approx.) - AD 1859 | None | Six different cars but none of them work. No chase possible. Check the facts. |
| Factory, maybe a car factory. Semi-automatic; different tools | A lot of shooting; fornication; interesting stories | Depravity, massive cash flow, loss of teeth resulting | Obviously too much sugar in their diet. |
Clues to avoiding Sex and Violence[edit | edit source]
Minorities have always been good at avoiding Sex and Violence. A total of 60% of all illiterate congressmen in Australia (and its cousin, Indochina) showed a clear tendency of avoiding Sex and Violence in the workplace. This amazing fact was discovered when some socks were stuffed in their mouths and they were given large doses of scopolamine.
Sexually and Violently Transmitted Diseases[edit | edit source]
- ADHD - Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a crippling social condition that allows parents to be absolved of any blame when their offspring throw temper fits in public places and act like spoilt little bastards.
- Modified sex and violence - not really very much modified. Too much violence often leads to uncontrolled sex, and vice versa. If you suspect this disease, do not involve in sex if you have just had violence.
- Toothlessness - a reason to avoid driving a car; swimming obligatory. Shoot your friends only if your father tells you to.
- Adult ADHD - just like ordinary ADHD, but designed for adults. Chastity belt not involved.
An interview with Professor Catapult, the creator of ADHD and many other SVTD:s[edit | edit source]
Q: Have you ever shot any of your friends?
A: Yes, but only with an AK-47. It's pretty reliable - all different from the Suomi SMG. The latter also has a good clip, though: it won't spill the cartridges all over the swamp when you run and shoot.
Q: Which friends did you shoot?
A: Oh, only the worst ones. The youngest of them was all too young to pose naked in my Grand Book of Natural History. I shot a few more after him. It was all pretty cool, we're still great friends.
Q: Have any of your friends shot any people?
A: No - except that we once shot all of our parents, but we got over the phase. It was pretty immature, let me tell you.
Q: What kind of friends are the best ones for shooting?
A: Why, any! It all depends on the plot you choose. Purple plot goes for power unlimited, yellow plot goes for disease, particularly STD:s. You will have to remember your chastity belt at all times!
Q: How often does this happen?
A: Pretty regularly. I have seen wolves in the park as often as once a week, during the season. Sometimes they eat a few cows.
After the interview, we walk amidst the ruins to where the roses seem to be growing more furiously than other flowers. Mind you, the main part of this article has been written with the uninitiated in mind, and some of the sentences are longer than others. 30 years for sex is too much - you can kick the kids out far earlier. Be smart.
Random causes for illegit[edit | edit source]
- natural causes
- natural causes; chastity belt not included; condom
- I am not a pervert, you are
- trying to contain it - help me out please
- Mummy and I are one