Rusty's Raping Rampage/book

Rusty's Raping Rampage is an article about a classic series of memoirs. This page is meant to contain the memoirs. Feel free to add your own.

Chapter 1: In Which Rusty and the Train Are Introduced to the Readers

It was a dark and stormy night. A train was chug chug chugging down the railway. I was sitting in that train, shining my little black church shoes. My mother made me those shoes. I hated my mother.

"Stop the train! Please!" called a voice from outside.

"Well, since you said please. Crusty! Halt the train!" I ordered.

I caught a glimpse of a young woman running near the train. Her fire brick hair flowed in the wind, a look of pathetic determination on her face. I almost regretted what I was about to do to her.

Almost.

"Hurry it up, Crusty!"

"Don't rush me, damn it!" yelled Crusty from the main car.

The train finally came to a stop. The woman walked into the train soaking, and I helped her out of her coat.

"What's your name, little miss?"

"Betty. Betty White."

"Oh. You have cash?"

"Yes, of course!" Since paper didn't exist at the time, she gave me a couple of wooden coins, worth approximately five bucks.

"You know," I said as I pocketed the fivers. "You remind me of my mother."

"Thanks."

"That wasn't a compliment. Take off your clothes. We have regular weapon inspections."

"Right here? Right now?"

"Less talkie. More strippie."

The poor soul satisfied my request, and I immediately began to engage in lewd activities with her.

"Scream like a manatee!" I yelled, and boy, did she scream.

"Damn it, you two! Keep it down back there!" Crusty had noticeable agitation in his voice.

By the time I was finished, Betty was no longer screaming. She wasn't breathing, either.

"If I find out Rusty killed another girl, I'm beating his ass!" I heard Crusty say.

I wasn't letting Crusty beat me again, so I did the only sane thing I could do. I threw the girl's body out the window and had Crusty get the train rolling again.

Shit happens when you're on the job.

Chapter 2: In Which Rusty Sodomizes An Administrator From Ye Olde Uncyclopedia Place

I was tending to one of my plants when a new customer appeared at the door.

"Hello," the customer said in a raspy voice. "My name be Zombiebaron."

"Zombiebaron, eh?" I replied with a smirk on my face. "You seem like quite the diplomat."

"Hells yeah, I am! I delete useless articles up there at Ye Olde Uncyclopedia Place. It's a prestigious job, but somebody's gotta do it."

"Ye Olde Uncyclopedia Place, eh? Oh, yes. I submitted a few stories to that place. You may know me as weinerlover925 there."

"More like bannedlover925! Cause I banned you. I also killed your hamster. How much is the ride?"

The smirk on my face immediately turned into a frown. "Don't bother."

I pushed Zombiebaron to the ground and had my way with his posterior. Once he was unconscious, I stole his wallet and kicked him off the train.

"That's for Cuddles, you son of a bitch!"

I locked the door and continued to tend to my plants.

Chapter 3: In Which Rusty Encounters a Magical Snowman

Thumpetty thump thump
Thumpety thump thump

Christmastime was approaching, and I realized that I didn't have a present for my loyal driver Crusty, so I got my hat one morning and went strolling through gift shops.

"Welcome, sir!" said one gift shop owner. "What may I interest you in today?"

"You got any male enhancement pills?"

"I've got snowglobes."

That was the last shop I went to before deciding that I'd just give Crusty beer again. Right before I got to the train, though, some snowman blocked my path.

"Happy birthday!" it said, adjusting its stupid hat.

"What the hell are you?" I said slowly, know that I was speaking to an idiot.

"I'm Frosty the Snowman!"

"Well, hello. I'm Rusty the Rapist."

"Is that a family name?"

"Get out of my goddamn way before I take your innocence from you!" The snowman didn't budge. "Alright, you made me do it!"

I dropped my pants and turned the snowman around, but I found no hole to stab my manliness into.

"What the hell are you made out of? Some kind of slush material?"

"Didn't you listen to the Christmas song? I'm the ninth reindeer!" Frosty laughed.

"Are you sure you're thinking of the right song?"

"I have a button for a nose!"

"Well, since that's been established, I've gotta get going. Goodbye!"

"Merry Hanukkah!"

I took out my cigarette lighter and set the poor bastard's hat on fire.

"Oh! Is that all? I've swum in pools of fire! I eat fire for breakfast! Fire won't stop me!" exclaimed Frosty as he melted to the ground.

I went to the local bar and got a mug of beer for Crusty. That Christmas, I woke Crusty up and gave the beer to him.

"Oh, thank you so much! This is the greatest Christmas ever! But wait. Christmas isn't about presents. It's about celebrating the life of our lord and savior Jesus Christ. So why don't we take this time to pray? Why don't we take this time to pray and thank the Lord for our success and the success of railroad rapists everywhere?"

Thank you, Jesus. We wouldn't exist without ya.