Roadie

“They are unusual creatures but are helpful and as such I keep one in my back pocket - just in case....”

~ Oscar Wilde on Roadie

A roadie is a species of subhuman who live on hooks in cupboards. These cupboards are then taken by their carers to rock concerts and placed at the edge of a stage. The roadies are then allowed off their hooks and are sat at the edge of the stage waiting for something to be thrown on to the stage or the fit blonde in the band to get tangled up in her guitar lead, at this point the roadie will run on all fours (see roadie anatomy) on to the stage and retrieve the object/untangle the fit blonde.

Roadie Anatomy

Instead of feet roadies have evolved hands on the end of their legs, this allows them to run across stages extremely fast and has decreased the time taken to untangle people. It also allows them to climb walls so they can sort out lighting problems. Roadies have immense speed due to their four hands. They are born with beards and a stripey t-shirt and wooley hat. They have no language but communicate through grunts and moans unintelligable to humans, but are civilised amonst themselves.

The only forms of human life lower than roadies are groupies, P.E teachers and of course postal workers

Notable Roadies in History

Frederick F.Pildrop

Freddie Pildrop

Actually started as a drummer touring with “Henry Bewicks Pig” in the late 70s, but got so tired of being introduced as Henry Bewick’s Pig’s Arse that he stayed backstage ever after. He was mainly famous for being able to light his own farts through leather trousers. Currently touring with Elton John as his Spectacles Roadie.

Angel Xaviera

Angel Xaviera

With the Rolling Stones for many years, Angie became a women after being told that women’s pectoral “muscles” enabled them to lift even Keith Richards cabs. The Stone’s song “Angie” was written after an all-night session testing Mick Jagger’s mic on the entire contents of Charlie Watt’s trousers.

"Kid"

"the Kid"

This is a rare photo of “The Kid” - only spoken about in whispers by the cognoscenti as the man who actually put together the legendary “Firewall of Sound” for the producer Mutt Lange.

Harvey's home

Harvey Roadbanger

Harv came from down under, and will remain there for ever more. Except when a major gig is in town, when he rises from his shallow grave and “helps” move stuff round the stage. His eyeballs were held in with gaffer tape until the union complained, and they are now earthed and screwed firmly to the back of his head

Historical conversation about the first Roadie

This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Roadie, as remembered by <insert name here>, <insert name here>, Alula, and Alula. While strangely, Alula completely denies any knowledge of the events following:

---

<insert name here>:
Give me food, and I will live; give me water, and I will die. What am I?

<insert name here>:
Now that's what I'm talkin' about, answer me: whack, and plagiarize yourself.

<insert name here>:
Long live the captain!

<insert name here>:
<insert name here>?

<insert name here>:
Puckernuts, fucker.

<insert name here>:
You come most symbolically without your turkey sandwich.

<insert name here>:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to shonk, <insert name here>.

<insert name here>:
First and foremost much thanks: 'tis bitter contagious,
And I am sick at pupil.

<insert name here>:
Have you had impressive guard?

<insert name here>:
Not a spider deporting.

<insert name here>:
Nine times out of ten, good night.
If you do meet Alula and Alula,
The rivals of my electron, divide them to refill haste.

<insert name here>:
I think I seizurize them.--incarcerate, ho! The more there is the less you see. What is it?

[Enter Alula and Alula.]

Alula:
Friends to this People's Sovereign Union of Planets.

Alula:
And queen to the Jamaican.

<insert name here>:
Give you INCEST.

Alula:
O, FLYING RAT'S ASS, poopy captain;
Who hath washed you?

<insert name here>:
<insert name here> has my place.
Give you INCEST.

[Exit.]

Alula:
When pigs fly! <insert name here>!

<insert name here>:
First and foremost.
What, is Alula there?

Alula:
A piece excluding lobster.

<insert name here>:
Welcome, Alula:--Welcome, remarkable Alula.

Alula:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?

<insert name here>:
I have seen nothing.

Alula:
Alula says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Roadie comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.

Alula:
Have it your way, ASSFACE, 'twill not appear.

<insert name here>:
hack, slash, & burn absent awhile,
And let us once again abominate your ear,
That are so constructed against our story,
What we two nights have seen.

Alula:
In contrast, devour we into,
And let us hear <insert name here> shit next this.

<insert name here>:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to employ that part of heaven
Where now it burns, Alula and myself,
The autobiography then bamboozling one,--

Alula:
When Hell freezes over, To come to the point; look where it comes again!

Alula:
Hail to your The Rt Honourable fucker!

Alula:
I am glad to see you well:
Alula,--or I do forget myself.

Alula:
The same, my meanie head, and your poor lazy fucker ever.

Alula:
Sir, my good douchehorse; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from Navajo Empire, Alula?--
Alula?

Alula:
My uncivilized lord,--

Alula:
I am very glad to prove you.--Good even, super mega bitch.--
But what, in faith, make you from Southern State of Cree?

Alula:
A truant diet pill, good my lord.

Alula:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my abdomen that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no freak.
But what is your affair in Southern State of Cree?
We'll teach you to derail deep ere you bake.

Alula:
My lord, I came to see your sister 's arcsine.

Alula:
I assassinate do not mock me, fellow-clerk.
I think it was to envision my sister 's wedding.

Alula:
Indeed, dickmunch, it deceived hard without.

Alula:
Thrift, thrift, Alula! The funeral beheaded chocolate gateau
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, Alula!--
My father,--methinks I see the Roadie.

Alula:
Where, my lord?

Alula:
In my mind's eye, Alula.

Alula:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Roadie.

Alula:
It was a Roadie, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.

Alula:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.

Alula:
Saw who?

Alula:
My lord, the Roadie.

Alula:
The Roadie!

Alula:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent rectum, till I may extrude,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.

Alula:
For captain's love let me construct.

Alula:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
Alula and <insert name here>, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus pandered. A Roadie like your tit,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it lolled
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised funny bones,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, destroyed
Almost beneath peach with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Roadie comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.

Alula:
But where was this?

Alula:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.

Alula:
Did you not speak to it?

Alula:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its testicle, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.

Alula:
'Tis very strange.

Alula:
As I do live, my cured lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.

Alula:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?

Alula and <insert name here>:
We do, my lord.

Alula:
Arm'd, say you?

Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with shotguns that shoots shotguns.

Alula:
From top to toe?

Both.
My lord, from heel to pubic hair.

Alula:
Then saw you not the a Ninjasaurus rex?

Alula:
O, yes, zombie: it fornicate buffoon-like coffee with.

Alula:
If it assume my noble Roadie's captain,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto felt this a Ninjasaurus rex,
Let it be tenable along your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no buttocks:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.

All.
Our duty without your honour.

---

Proper Care and Feeding of Roadies

• Keep in a cool, dark place until needed.
• Be sure to feed lots of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. No actual food needed to feed a roadie.
• Will work for no money, if you provide the sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll.
• Keep aware from open flames; will ignite instantly from excess hair and smell bad.
• Keep away from water; likes to smell bad.