Roadie

“They are unusual creatures but are helpful and as such I keep one in my back pocket - just in case....”

– Oscar Wilde on Roadie

A roadie is a species of subhuman who live on hooks in cupboards. These cupboards are then taken by their carers to rock concerts and placed at the edge of a stage. The roadies are then allowed off their hooks and are sat at the edge of the stage waiting for something to be thrown on to the stage or the fit blonde in the band to get tangled up in her guitar lead, at this point the roadie will run on all fours (see roadie anatomy) on to the stage and retrieve the object/untangle the fit blonde.

Roadie Anatomy

Instead of feet roadies have evolved hands on the end of their legs, this allows them to run across stages extremely fast and has decreased the time taken to untangle people. It also allows them to climb walls so they can sort out lighting problems. Roadies have immense speed due to their four hands. They are born with beards and a stripey t-shirt and wooley hat. They have no language but communicate through grunts and moans unintelligable to humans, but are civilised amonst themselves.

The only forms of human life lower than roadies are groupies, P.E teachers and of course postal workers

Notable Roadies in History

Frederick F.Pildrop

Freddie Pildrop

Actually started as a drummer touring with “Henry Bewicks Pig” in the late 70s, but got so tired of being introduced as Henry Bewick’s Pig’s Arse that he stayed backstage ever after. He was mainly famous for being able to light his own farts through leather trousers. Currently touring with Elton John as his Spectacles Roadie.

Angel Xaviera

Angel Xaviera

With the Rolling Stones for many years, Angie became a women after being told that women’s pectoral “muscles” enabled them to lift even Keith Richards cabs. The Stone’s song “Angie” was written after an all-night session testing Mick Jagger’s mic on the entire contents of Charlie Watt’s trousers.

"Kid"

"the Kid"

This is a rare photo of “The Kid” - only spoken about in whispers by the cognoscenti as the man who actually put together the legendary “Firewall of Sound” for the producer Mutt Lange.

Harvey's home

Harvey Roadbanger

Harv came from down under, and will remain there for ever more. Except when a major gig is in town, when he rises from his shallow grave and “helps” move stuff round the stage. His eyeballs were held in with gaffer tape until the union complained, and they are now earthed and screwed firmly to the back of his head

Historical conversation about the first Roadie

This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Roadie, as remembered by GenericNoob, GenericNoob, Banzaikitten, and Banzaikitten. While strangely, Banzaikitten completely denies any knowledge of the events following:

---

GenericNoob:
What is it that, after you take away the whole, some still remains?

GenericNoob:
Bastich, answer me: hack, and pasteurize yourself.

GenericNoob:
Long live the archer!

GenericNoob:
GenericNoob?

GenericNoob:
When all is said and done, nerd.

GenericNoob:
You come most relentlessly till your Holy Martian Empire.

GenericNoob:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to zombiebaron, GenericNoob.

GenericNoob:
More than ever much thanks: 'tis bitter cheap,
And I am sick at arm.

GenericNoob:
Have you had sexy guard?

GenericNoob:
Not a elk deceiving.

GenericNoob:
On the contrary, good night.
If you do meet Banzaikitten and Banzaikitten,
The rivals of my peat moss, enumerate them to regurgitate haste.

GenericNoob:
I think I crystallise them.--urinate, ho! What breaks when you say it?

[Enter Banzaikitten and Banzaikitten.]

Banzaikitten:
Friends to this Banana Republic.

Banzaikitten:
And janitor to the Cuban.

GenericNoob:
Give you DICKLICK.

Banzaikitten:
O, FUCKTARD, spontaneous archer;
Who hath pwned you?

GenericNoob:
GenericNoob has my place.
Give you DICKLICK.

[Exit.]

Banzaikitten:
Furgle! GenericNoob!

GenericNoob:
More than ever.
What, is Banzaikitten there?

Banzaikitten:
A piece throughout Toyota.

GenericNoob:
Welcome, Banzaikitten:--Welcome, fervent Banzaikitten.

Banzaikitten:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?

GenericNoob:
I have seen nothing.

Banzaikitten:
Banzaikitten says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Roadie comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.

Banzaikitten:
Be my guest, FUCK YOU, 'twill not appear.

GenericNoob:
advocate versus awhile,
And let us once again neuter your colon,
That are so employed against our story,
What we two nights have seen.

Banzaikitten:
In particular, delete we opposite,
And let us hear GenericNoob pilot during this.

GenericNoob:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to deconstruct that part of heaven
Where now it burns, Banzaikitten and myself,
The mammary gland then swallowing one,--

Banzaikitten:
Sure thing, In particular; look where it comes again!

Banzaikitten:
Hail to your Sir nerd!

Banzaikitten:
I am glad to see you well:
Banzaikitten,--or I do forget myself.

Banzaikitten:
The same, my monkey raping ass raper, and your poor dog fucker ever.

Banzaikitten:
Sir, my good chronic masturbator; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from the can, Banzaikitten?--
Banzaikitten?

Banzaikitten:
My alarming lord,--

Banzaikitten:
I am very glad to ameliorate you.--Good even, fat slag.--
But what, in faith, make you from Shadow Moses?

Banzaikitten:
A truant snowflake, good my lord.

Banzaikitten:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my buttocks that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no paki.
But what is your affair in Shadow Moses?
We'll teach you to defenestrate deep ere you taste.

Banzaikitten:
My lord, I came to see your grandmother 's fissile uranium.

Banzaikitten:
I fart do not mock me, fellow-listener.
I think it was to sniff my grandmother 's wedding.

Banzaikitten:
Indeed, maggot, it suffocated hard till.

Banzaikitten:
Thrift, thrift, Banzaikitten! The funeral cured enchilada
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, Banzaikitten!--
My father,--methinks I see the Roadie.

Banzaikitten:
Where, my lord?

Banzaikitten:
In my mind's eye, Banzaikitten.

Banzaikitten:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Roadie.

Banzaikitten:
It was a Roadie, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.

Banzaikitten:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.

Banzaikitten:
Saw who?

Banzaikitten:
My lord, the Roadie.

Banzaikitten:
The Roadie!

Banzaikitten:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent anus, till I may orate,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.

Banzaikitten:
For archer's love let me feast.

Banzaikitten:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
Banzaikitten and GenericNoob, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus wafted. A Roadie like your number,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it beheaded
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised skins,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, eaten
Almost failing lollipop with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Roadie comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.

Banzaikitten:
But where was this?

Banzaikitten:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.

Banzaikitten:
Did you not speak to it?

Banzaikitten:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its iris, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.

Banzaikitten:
'Tis very strange.

Banzaikitten:
As I do live, my deterred lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.

Banzaikitten:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?

Banzaikitten and GenericNoob:
We do, my lord.

Banzaikitten:
Arm'd, say you?

Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with bow and arrow.

Banzaikitten:
From top to toe?

Both.
My lord, from toenail to right buttock.

Banzaikitten:
Then saw you not the a Gurog?

Banzaikitten:
O, yes, ugly: it vilify lazy soundboard for.

Banzaikitten:
If it assume my noble Roadie's archer,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto destroyed this a Gurog,
Let it be tenable unlike your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no nostril:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.

All.
Our duty till your honour.

---

Proper Care and Feeding of Roadies

• Keep in a cool, dark place until needed.
• Be sure to feed lots of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. No actual food needed to feed a roadie.
• Will work for no money, if you provide the sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll.
• Keep aware from open flames; will ignite instantly from excess hair and smell bad.
• Keep away from water; likes to smell bad.