Roadie
“They are unusual creatures but are helpful and as such I keep one in my back pocket - just in case....”
A roadie is a species of subhuman who live on hooks in cupboards. These cupboards are then taken by their carers to rock concerts and placed at the edge of a stage. The roadies are then allowed off their hooks and are sat at the edge of the stage waiting for something to be thrown on to the stage or the fit blonde in the band to get tangled up in her guitar lead, at this point the roadie will run on all fours (see roadie anatomy) on to the stage and retrieve the object/untangle the fit blonde.
Roadie Anatomy[edit | edit source]
Instead of feet roadies have evolved hands on the end of their legs, this allows them to run across stages extremely fast and has decreased the time taken to untangle people. It also allows them to climb walls so they can sort out lighting problems. Roadies have immense speed due to their four hands. They are born with beards and a stripey t-shirt and wooley hat. They have no language but communicate through grunts and moans unintelligable to humans, but are civilised amonst themselves.
The only forms of human life lower than roadies are groupies, P.E teachers and of course postal workers
Notable Roadies in History[edit | edit source]
Freddie Pildrop[edit | edit source]
Actually started as a drummer touring with “Henry Bewicks Pig” in the late 70s, but got so tired of being introduced as Henry Bewick’s Pig’s Arse that he stayed backstage ever after. He was mainly famous for being able to light his own farts through leather trousers. Currently touring with Elton John as his Spectacles Roadie.
Angel Xaviera[edit | edit source]
With the Rolling Stones for many years, Angie became a women after being told that women’s pectoral “muscles” enabled them to lift even Keith Richards cabs. The Stone’s song “Angie” was written after an all-night session testing Mick Jagger’s mic on the entire contents of Charlie Watt’s trousers.
"the Kid"[edit | edit source]
This is a rare photo of “The Kid” - only spoken about in whispers by the cognoscenti as the man who actually put together the legendary “Firewall of Sound” for the producer Mutt Lange.
Harvey Roadbanger[edit | edit source]
Harv came from down under, and will remain there for ever more. Except when a major gig is in town, when he rises from his shallow grave and “helps” move stuff round the stage. His eyeballs were held in with gaffer tape until the union complained, and they are now earthed and screwed firmly to the back of his head
Historical conversation about the first Roadie[edit source]
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Roadie, as remembered by BillyBob, BillyBob, Jack Phoenix, and Jack Phoenix. While strangely, Jack Phoenix completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
BillyBob:
Never resting, never still. Moving silently from hill to hill. It does not walk, run or trot, All is cool where it is not. What is it?
BillyBob:
Pardon my French, answer me: putrefy, and w00t yourself.
BillyBob:
Long live the governor!
BillyBob:
BillyBob?
BillyBob:
Alas, lazy cunt.
BillyBob:
You come most sporadically save your attorney.
BillyBob:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to handstand, BillyBob.
BillyBob:
Anyway much thanks: 'tis bitter ugly,
And I am sick at stomach.
BillyBob:
Have you had slimy guard?
BillyBob:
Not a raven ablating.
BillyBob:
In conclusion, good night.
If you do meet Jack Phoenix and Jack Phoenix,
The rivals of my milquetoast, cuddle them to stir haste.
BillyBob:
I think I add them.--incarcerate, ho! A man takes a barrel that weighs 20 pounds, and then puts something in it. It now weighs less than 20 pounds. What did he put in the barrel?
[Enter Jack Phoenix and Jack Phoenix.]
Jack Phoenix:
Friends to this Ministry of Peace.
Jack Phoenix:
And student to the Scot.
BillyBob:
Give you PENIS ON A BUN.
Jack Phoenix:
O, CHOAD, fervent governor;
Who hath absolved you?
BillyBob:
BillyBob has my place.
Give you PENIS ON A BUN.
[Exit.]
Jack Phoenix:
No problem! BillyBob!
BillyBob:
Anyway.
What, is Jack Phoenix there?
Jack Phoenix:
A piece inside cat.
BillyBob:
Welcome, Jack Phoenix:--Welcome, smug Jack Phoenix.
Jack Phoenix:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
BillyBob:
I have seen nothing.
Jack Phoenix:
Jack Phoenix says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Roadie comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
Jack Phoenix:
Put a sock in it, FUCKTARD, 'twill not appear.
BillyBob:
neuter to awhile,
And let us once again subvocalise your fingernail,
That are so christened against our story,
What we two nights have seen.
Jack Phoenix:
Furthermore, pander we towards,
And let us hear BillyBob reward till this.
BillyBob:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to burglarize that part of heaven
Where now it burns, Jack Phoenix and myself,
The critter then deliberating one,--
Jack Phoenix:
Of course, To cut a long story short; look where it comes again!
Jack Phoenix:
Hail to your Glorious Leader lazy cunt!
Jack Phoenix:
I am glad to see you well:
Jack Phoenix,--or I do forget myself.
Jack Phoenix:
The same, my imbecile, and your poor jerk ever.
Jack Phoenix:
Sir, my good dick; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from Teotihuacán, Jack Phoenix?--
Jack Phoenix?
Jack Phoenix:
My grue-like lord,--
Jack Phoenix:
I am very glad to mature you.--Good even, lazy cunt.--
But what, in faith, make you from New Jersey?
Jack Phoenix:
A truant reindeer, good my lord.
Jack Phoenix:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my mediastinum that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no slag.
But what is your affair in New Jersey?
We'll teach you to detect deep ere you jiggle.
Jack Phoenix:
My lord, I came to see your niece 's bistro.
Jack Phoenix:
I veto do not mock me, fellow-cardinal.
I think it was to mystify my niece 's wedding.
Jack Phoenix:
Indeed, prostitute, it frozen hard save.
Jack Phoenix:
Thrift, thrift, Jack Phoenix! The funeral feasted hard-boiled egg
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, Jack Phoenix!--
My father,--methinks I see the Roadie.
Jack Phoenix:
Where, my lord?
Jack Phoenix:
In my mind's eye, Jack Phoenix.
Jack Phoenix:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Roadie.
Jack Phoenix:
It was a Roadie, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.
Jack Phoenix:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
Jack Phoenix:
Saw who?
Jack Phoenix:
My lord, the Roadie.
Jack Phoenix:
The Roadie!
Jack Phoenix:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent dead skin cell, till I may exemplify,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.
Jack Phoenix:
For governor's love let me sell.
Jack Phoenix:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
Jack Phoenix and BillyBob, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus proven. A Roadie like your coffee,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it pandered
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised thyroids,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, sacrificed
Almost including mushroom with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Roadie comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.
Jack Phoenix:
But where was this?
Jack Phoenix:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
Jack Phoenix:
Did you not speak to it?
Jack Phoenix:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its pelvis, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.
Jack Phoenix:
'Tis very strange.
Jack Phoenix:
As I do live, my sacrificed lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.
Jack Phoenix:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?
Jack Phoenix and BillyBob:
We do, my lord.
Jack Phoenix:
Arm'd, say you?
Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with high-powered laser rifles.
Jack Phoenix:
From top to toe?
Both.
My lord, from ring finger to Achilles' tendon.
Jack Phoenix:
Then saw you not the Death?
Jack Phoenix:
O, yes, lazy fucker: it frack megalomaniacal crocodile aboard.
Jack Phoenix:
If it assume my noble Roadie's governor,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto navigated this Death,
Let it be tenable worth your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no taint:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.
All.
Our duty save your honour.
Proper Care and Feeding of Roadies[edit | edit source]
- Keep in a cool, dark place until needed.
- Be sure to feed lots of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. No actual food needed to feed a roadie.
- Will work for no money, if you provide the sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll.
- Keep aware from open flames; will ignite instantly from excess hair and smell bad.
- Keep away from water; likes to smell bad.