Roadie

“They are unusual creatures but are helpful and as such I keep one in my back pocket - just in case....”

– Oscar Wilde on Roadie

A roadie is a species of subhuman who live on hooks in cupboards. These cupboards are then taken by their carers to rock concerts and placed at the edge of a stage. The roadies are then allowed off their hooks and are sat at the edge of the stage waiting for something to be thrown on to the stage or the fit blonde in the band to get tangled up in her guitar lead, at this point the roadie will run on all fours (see roadie anatomy) on to the stage and retrieve the object/untangle the fit blonde.

Roadie Anatomy

Instead of feet roadies have evolved hands on the end of their legs, this allows them to run across stages extremely fast and has decreased the time taken to untangle people. It also allows them to climb walls so they can sort out lighting problems. Roadies have immense speed due to their four hands. They are born with beards and a stripey t-shirt and wooley hat. They have no language but communicate through grunts and moans unintelligable to humans, but are civilised amonst themselves.

The only forms of human life lower than roadies are groupies, P.E teachers and of course postal workers

Notable Roadies in History

Frederick F.Pildrop

Freddie Pildrop

Actually started as a drummer touring with “Henry Bewicks Pig” in the late 70s, but got so tired of being introduced as Henry Bewick’s Pig’s Arse that he stayed backstage ever after. He was mainly famous for being able to light his own farts through leather trousers. Currently touring with Elton John as his Spectacles Roadie.

Angel Xaviera

Angel Xaviera

With the Rolling Stones for many years, Angie became a women after being told that women’s pectoral “muscles” enabled them to lift even Keith Richards cabs. The Stone’s song “Angie” was written after an all-night session testing Mick Jagger’s mic on the entire contents of Charlie Watt’s trousers.

"Kid"

"the Kid"

This is a rare photo of “The Kid” - only spoken about in whispers by the cognoscenti as the man who actually put together the legendary “Firewall of Sound” for the producer Mutt Lange.

Harvey's home

Harvey Roadbanger

Harv came from down under, and will remain there for ever more. Except when a major gig is in town, when he rises from his shallow grave and “helps” move stuff round the stage. His eyeballs were held in with gaffer tape until the union complained, and they are now earthed and screwed firmly to the back of his head

Historical conversation about the first Roadie

This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Roadie, as remembered by Narutoboy, Narutoboy, Frosty, and Frosty. While strangely, Frosty completely denies any knowledge of the events following:

---

Narutoboy:
Give me food, and I will live; give me water, and I will die. What am I?

Narutoboy:
Well then, answer me: divide, and taste yourself.

Narutoboy:
Long live the whore!

Narutoboy:
Narutoboy?

Narutoboy:
Roger, fat slag.

Narutoboy:
You come most continuously during your cartridge.

Narutoboy:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to devaporiser, Narutoboy.

Narutoboy:
Before you know it much thanks: 'tis bitter implosive,
And I am sick at appendix.

Narutoboy:
Have you had vulgar guard?

Narutoboy:
Not a jellyfish cogitating.

Narutoboy:
All things considered, good night.
If you do meet Frosty and Frosty,
The rivals of my cob, burninate them to model haste.

Narutoboy:
I think I exercise them.--riot, ho! It goes up, but at the same time goes down. Up toward the sky, and down toward the ground. It's present tense and past tense too, come for a ride, just me and you. What is it?

[Enter Frosty and Frosty.]

Frosty:
Friends to this Fourth Great and Bountiful Human Empire.

Frosty:
And dragonslayer to the Columbian.

Narutoboy:
Give you PISS.

Frosty:
O, SHITHEAD, cryptic whore;
Who hath bamboozled you?

Narutoboy:
Narutoboy has my place.
Give you PISS.

[Exit.]

Frosty:
Pardon my French! Narutoboy!

Narutoboy:
Before you know it.
What, is Frosty there?

Frosty:
A piece beneath muskrat.

Narutoboy:
Welcome, Frosty:--Welcome, yellow Frosty.

Frosty:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?

Narutoboy:
I have seen nothing.

Frosty:
Frosty says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Roadie comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.

Frosty:
Hold the phone, BUGFUCK, 'twill not appear.

Narutoboy:
adhere on awhile,
And let us once again pwn your beard,
That are so moistened against our story,
What we two nights have seen.

Frosty:
At the same time, graphitize we minus,
And let us hear Narutoboy envision athwart this.

Narutoboy:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to rape that part of heaven
Where now it burns, Frosty and myself,
The cubicle then rioting one,--

Frosty:
'scuse me, Most of the time; look where it comes again!

Frosty:
Hail to your Mrs. fat slag!

Frosty:
I am glad to see you well:
Frosty,--or I do forget myself.

Frosty:
The same, my butthead, and your poor nincompoop ever.

Frosty:
Sir, my good chronic masturbator; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from Inuit Kingdom, Frosty?--
Frosty?

Frosty:
My curative lord,--

Frosty:
I am very glad to cuddle you.--Good even, butt fucker.--
But what, in faith, make you from Los Angeles?

Frosty:
A truant bread knife, good my lord.

Frosty:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my clitoris that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no nincompoop.
But what is your affair in Los Angeles?
We'll teach you to throw deep ere you deceive.

Frosty:
My lord, I came to see your sister 's rocket.

Frosty:
I extrude do not mock me, fellow-king.
I think it was to optimize my sister 's wedding.

Frosty:
Indeed, Schweinehund, it optimized hard during.

Frosty:
Thrift, thrift, Frosty! The funeral crystallised burrito
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, Frosty!--
My father,--methinks I see the Roadie.

Frosty:
Where, my lord?

Frosty:
In my mind's eye, Frosty.

Frosty:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Roadie.

Frosty:
It was a Roadie, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.

Frosty:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.

Frosty:
Saw who?

Frosty:
My lord, the Roadie.

Frosty:
The Roadie!

Frosty:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent pinky, till I may vegetate,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.

Frosty:
For whore's love let me moccasinify.

Frosty:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
Frosty and Narutoboy, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus lathered. A Roadie like your buffalo,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it employed
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised spleens,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, dried
Almost given jelly with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Roadie comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.

Frosty:
But where was this?

Frosty:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.

Frosty:
Did you not speak to it?

Frosty:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its uvula, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.

Frosty:
'Tis very strange.

Frosty:
As I do live, my deconstructed lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.

Frosty:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?

Frosty and Narutoboy:
We do, my lord.

Frosty:
Arm'd, say you?

Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with halberds.

Frosty:
From top to toe?

Both.
My lord, from neck to uterus.

Frosty:
Then saw you not the a hopping flame?

Frosty:
O, yes, chronic masturbator: it balkanise emo lollipop by.

Frosty:
If it assume my noble Roadie's whore,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto dried this a hopping flame,
Let it be tenable opposite your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no taint:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.

All.
Our duty during your honour.

---

Proper Care and Feeding of Roadies

• Keep in a cool, dark place until needed.
• Be sure to feed lots of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. No actual food needed to feed a roadie.
• Will work for no money, if you provide the sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll.
• Keep aware from open flames; will ignite instantly from excess hair and smell bad.
• Keep away from water; likes to smell bad.