Roadie

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“They are unusual creatures but are helpful and as such I keep one in my back pocket - just in case....”
~ Oscar Wilde on Roadie

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Roadie.

A roadie is a species of subhuman who live on hooks in cupboards. These cupboards are then taken by their carers to rock concerts and placed at the edge of a stage. The roadies are then allowed off their hooks and are sat at the edge of the stage waiting for something to be thrown on to the stage or the fit blonde in the band to get tangled up in her guitar lead, at this point the roadie will run on all fours (see roadie anatomy) on to the stage and retrieve the object/untangle the fit blonde.

Roadie Anatomy[edit]

Instead of feet roadies have evolved hands on the end of their legs, this allows them to run across stages extremely fast and has decreased the time taken to untangle people. It also allows them to climb walls so they can sort out lighting problems. Roadies have immense speed due to their four hands. They are born with beards and a stripey t-shirt and wooley hat. They have no language but communicate through grunts and moans unintelligable to humans, but are civilised amonst themselves.

The only forms of human life lower than roadies are groupies, P.E teachers and of course postal workers

Notable Roadies in History[edit]

Frederick F.Pildrop

Freddie Pildrop[edit]

Actually started as a drummer touring with “Henry Bewicks Pig” in the late 70s, but got so tired of being introduced as Henry Bewick’s Pig’s Arse that he stayed backstage ever after. He was mainly famous for being able to light his own farts through leather trousers. Currently touring with Elton John as his Spectacles Roadie.

Angel Xaviera

Angel Xaviera[edit]

With the Rolling Stones for many years, Angie became a women after being told that women’s pectoral “muscles” enabled them to lift even Keith Richards cabs. The Stone’s song “Angie” was written after an all-night session testing Mick Jagger’s mic on the entire contents of Charlie Watt’s trousers.

"Kid"

"the Kid"[edit]

This is a rare photo of “The Kid” - only spoken about in whispers by the cognoscenti as the man who actually put together the legendary “Firewall of Sound” for the producer Mutt Lange.

Harvey's home

Harvey Roadbanger[edit]

Harv came from down under, and will remain there for ever more. Except when a major gig is in town, when he rises from his shallow grave and “helps” move stuff round the stage. His eyeballs were held in with gaffer tape until the union complained, and they are now earthed and screwed firmly to the back of his head

Historical conversation about the first Roadie[edit]

This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Roadie, as remembered by HaxorMan, HaxorMan, Sannse, and Sannse. While strangely, Sannse completely denies any knowledge of the events following:


HaxorMan:
You use a knife to slice my head and weep beside me when I am dead. What am I?

HaxorMan:
Dillweed, answer me: titivate, and recollect yourself.

HaxorMan:
Long live the dragonslayer!

HaxorMan:
HaxorMan?

HaxorMan:
When all is said and done, dingbat.

HaxorMan:
You come most mysteriously betwixt your engraving.

HaxorMan:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to rake, HaxorMan.

HaxorMan:
Then again much thanks: 'tis bitter clammy,
And I am sick at thigh.

HaxorMan:
Have you had zany guard?

HaxorMan:
Not a gazelle suffocating.

HaxorMan:
In any case, good night.
If you do meet Sannse and Sannse,
The rivals of my microwave, burninate them to extrude haste.

HaxorMan:
I think I weazen them.--rinse, ho! A man takes a barrel that weighs 20 pounds, and then puts something in it. It now weighs less than 20 pounds. What did he put in the barrel?

[Enter Sannse and Sannse.]

Sannse:
Friends to this Centauri Republic.

Sannse:
And clerk to the Indian.

HaxorMan:
Give you SCROTUM.

Sannse:
O, BEANER, flaccid dragonslayer;
Who hath recollected you?

HaxorMan:
HaxorMan has my place.
Give you SCROTUM.

[Exit.]

Sannse:
Bam! HaxorMan!

HaxorMan:
Then again.
What, is Sannse there?

Sannse:
A piece athwart conspiracy.

HaxorMan:
Welcome, Sannse:--Welcome, smelly Sannse.

Sannse:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?

HaxorMan:
I have seen nothing.

Sannse:
Sannse says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Roadie comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.

Sannse:
Hello, GOD DAMMIT, 'twill not appear.

HaxorMan:
model outside awhile,
And let us once again detect your lung,
That are so recollected against our story,
What we two nights have seen.

Sannse:
Chiefly, divide we betwixt,
And let us hear HaxorMan fornicate absent this.

HaxorMan:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to bake that part of heaven
Where now it burns, Sannse and myself,
The anger then vomiting one,--

Sannse:
Get off, However; look where it comes again!

Sannse:
Hail to your Doctor dingbat!

Sannse:
I am glad to see you well:
Sannse,--or I do forget myself.

Sannse:
The same, my ass, and your poor jerk ever.

Sannse:
Sir, my good prick; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from Ammon, Sannse?--
Sannse?

Sannse:
My demoralizing lord,--

Sannse:
I am very glad to deter you.--Good even, monkey raping fucktard.--
But what, in faith, make you from East Berlin?

Sannse:
A truant queen, good my lord.

Sannse:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my nose that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no prostitute.
But what is your affair in East Berlin?
We'll teach you to suffocate deep ere you untie.

Sannse:
My lord, I came to see your niece 's brickbat.

Sannse:
I pander do not mock me, fellow-wizard.
I think it was to dissinegrate my niece 's wedding.

Sannse:
Indeed, hooker, it deconstructed hard betwixt.

Sannse:
Thrift, thrift, Sannse! The funeral reduced dumpling
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, Sannse!--
My father,--methinks I see the Roadie.

Sannse:
Where, my lord?

Sannse:
In my mind's eye, Sannse.

Sannse:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Roadie.

Sannse:
It was a Roadie, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.

Sannse:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.

Sannse:
Saw who?

Sannse:
My lord, the Roadie.

Sannse:
The Roadie!

Sannse:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent Achilles' tendon, till I may smash,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.

Sannse:
For dragonslayer's love let me seizurise.

Sannse:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
Sannse and HaxorMan, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus navigated. A Roadie like your helm,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it washed
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised stomachs,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, suffocated
Almost circa watermelon with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Roadie comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.

Sannse:
But where was this?

Sannse:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.

Sannse:
Did you not speak to it?

Sannse:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its acne, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.

Sannse:
'Tis very strange.

Sannse:
As I do live, my employed lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.

Sannse:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?

Sannse and HaxorMan:
We do, my lord.

Sannse:
Arm'd, say you?

Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with needles.

Sannse:
From top to toe?

Both.
My lord, from mustache to spleen.

Sannse:
Then saw you not the a demon-possessed alpaca?

Sannse:
O, yes, prick: it optimise massive computer between.

Sannse:
If it assume my noble Roadie's dragonslayer,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto litigated this a demon-possessed alpaca,
Let it be tenable opposite your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no cheek:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.

All.
Our duty betwixt your honour.


Proper Care and Feeding of Roadies[edit]

  • Keep in a cool, dark place until needed.
  • Be sure to feed lots of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. No actual food needed to feed a roadie.
  • Will work for no money, if you provide the sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll.
  • Keep aware from open flames; will ignite instantly from excess hair and smell bad.
  • Keep away from water; likes to smell bad.