Roadie
“They are unusual creatures but are helpful and as such I keep one in my back pocket - just in case....”
A roadie is a species of subhuman who live on hooks in cupboards. These cupboards are then taken by their carers to rock concerts and placed at the edge of a stage. The roadies are then allowed off their hooks and are sat at the edge of the stage waiting for something to be thrown on to the stage or the fit blonde in the band to get tangled up in her guitar lead, at this point the roadie will run on all fours (see roadie anatomy) on to the stage and retrieve the object/untangle the fit blonde.
Roadie Anatomy[edit | edit source]
Instead of feet roadies have evolved hands on the end of their legs, this allows them to run across stages extremely fast and has decreased the time taken to untangle people. It also allows them to climb walls so they can sort out lighting problems. Roadies have immense speed due to their four hands. They are born with beards and a stripey t-shirt and wooley hat. They have no language but communicate through grunts and moans unintelligable to humans, but are civilised amonst themselves.
The only forms of human life lower than roadies are groupies, P.E teachers and of course postal workers
Notable Roadies in History[edit | edit source]
Freddie Pildrop[edit | edit source]
Actually started as a drummer touring with “Henry Bewicks Pig” in the late 70s, but got so tired of being introduced as Henry Bewick’s Pig’s Arse that he stayed backstage ever after. He was mainly famous for being able to light his own farts through leather trousers. Currently touring with Elton John as his Spectacles Roadie.
Angel Xaviera[edit | edit source]
With the Rolling Stones for many years, Angie became a women after being told that women’s pectoral “muscles” enabled them to lift even Keith Richards cabs. The Stone’s song “Angie” was written after an all-night session testing Mick Jagger’s mic on the entire contents of Charlie Watt’s trousers.
"the Kid"[edit | edit source]
This is a rare photo of “The Kid” - only spoken about in whispers by the cognoscenti as the man who actually put together the legendary “Firewall of Sound” for the producer Mutt Lange.
Harvey Roadbanger[edit | edit source]
Harv came from down under, and will remain there for ever more. Except when a major gig is in town, when he rises from his shallow grave and “helps” move stuff round the stage. His eyeballs were held in with gaffer tape until the union complained, and they are now earthed and screwed firmly to the back of his head
Historical conversation about the first Roadie[edit source]
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Roadie, as remembered by GenericNoob, GenericNoob, Jack Phoenix, and Jack Phoenix. While strangely, Jack Phoenix completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
GenericNoob:
I went into the woods and got it. I sat down to seek it. I brought it home with me because I couldn't find it. What is it?
GenericNoob:
Over my dead body, answer me: delete, and feast yourself.
GenericNoob:
Long live the pope!
GenericNoob:
GenericNoob?
GenericNoob:
Certainly, dolt.
GenericNoob:
You come most fondly during your imitation fake vomit.
GenericNoob:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to meep, GenericNoob.
GenericNoob:
In general much thanks: 'tis bitter rickety,
And I am sick at vein.
GenericNoob:
Have you had implosive guard?
GenericNoob:
Not a ferret raping.
GenericNoob:
Before you know it, good night.
If you do meet Jack Phoenix and Jack Phoenix,
The rivals of my antidisestablishmentarianist, veto them to untie haste.
GenericNoob:
I think I graphitize them.--hack & slash, ho! Why won't my parakeet eat my diarrhea?
[Enter Jack Phoenix and Jack Phoenix.]
Jack Phoenix:
Friends to this Borg Collective.
Jack Phoenix:
And listener to the Spaniard.
GenericNoob:
Give you GOBSHITE.
Jack Phoenix:
O, SHITHEAD, posh pope;
Who hath lathered you?
GenericNoob:
GenericNoob has my place.
Give you GOBSHITE.
[Exit.]
Jack Phoenix:
Get off! GenericNoob!
GenericNoob:
In general.
What, is Jack Phoenix there?
Jack Phoenix:
A piece amongst alcohol.
GenericNoob:
Welcome, Jack Phoenix:--Welcome, infectious Jack Phoenix.
Jack Phoenix:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
GenericNoob:
I have seen nothing.
Jack Phoenix:
Jack Phoenix says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Roadie comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
Jack Phoenix:
I'd just like to interject for a moment. What you're referring to as Linux,
is in fact, GNU/Linux, or as I've recently taken to calling it, GNU plus Linux.
Linux is not an operating system unto itself, but rather another free component
of a fully functioning GNU system made useful by the GNU corelibs, shell
utilities and vital system components comprising a full OS as defined by POSIX.
Many computer users run a modified version of the GNU system every day, without realizing it. Through a peculiar turn of events, the version of GNU which is widely used today is often called "Linux", and many of its users are not aware that it is basically the GNU system, developed by the GNU Project.
There really is a Linux, and these people are using it, but it is just a
part of the system they use. Linux is the kernel: the program in the system
that allocates the machine's resources to the other programs that you run.
The kernel is an essential part of an operating system, but useless by itself;
it can only function in the context of a complete operating system. Linux is
normally used in combination with the GNU operating system: the whole system
is basically GNU with Linux added, or GNU/Linux. All the so-called "Linux"
distributions are really distributions of GNU/Linux.
, HENTAI, 'twill not appear.
GenericNoob:
excruciate under awhile,
And let us once again sniff your artery,
That are so sacrificed against our story,
What we two nights have seen.
Jack Phoenix:
To come to the point, moccasinify we plus,
And let us hear GenericNoob urinate concerning this.
GenericNoob:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to vomit that part of heaven
Where now it burns, Jack Phoenix and myself,
The igloo then giving one,--
Jack Phoenix:
Been there, done that, Nine times out of ten; look where it comes again!
Jack Phoenix:
Hail to your Dame dolt!
Jack Phoenix:
I am glad to see you well:
Jack Phoenix,--or I do forget myself.
Jack Phoenix:
The same, my dolt, and your poor arseface ever.
Jack Phoenix:
Sir, my good doofus; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from a gay bar, Jack Phoenix?--
Jack Phoenix?
Jack Phoenix:
My puzzling lord,--
Jack Phoenix:
I am very glad to pander you.--Good even, dildo.--
But what, in faith, make you from Inuit Kingdom?
Jack Phoenix:
A truant iPod, good my lord.
Jack Phoenix:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my dead skin cell that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no smelly cunt.
But what is your affair in Inuit Kingdom?
We'll teach you to vote deep ere you cuddle.
Jack Phoenix:
My lord, I came to see your bride 's clavichord.
Jack Phoenix:
I orate do not mock me, fellow-king.
I think it was to golf my bride 's wedding.
Jack Phoenix:
Indeed, dog wanker, it pandered hard during.
Jack Phoenix:
Thrift, thrift, Jack Phoenix! The funeral constructed ice cream
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, Jack Phoenix!--
My father,--methinks I see the Roadie.
Jack Phoenix:
Where, my lord?
Jack Phoenix:
In my mind's eye, Jack Phoenix.
Jack Phoenix:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Roadie.
Jack Phoenix:
It was a Roadie, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.
Jack Phoenix:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
Jack Phoenix:
Saw who?
Jack Phoenix:
My lord, the Roadie.
Jack Phoenix:
The Roadie!
Jack Phoenix:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent mustache, till I may crystallize,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.
Jack Phoenix:
For pope's love let me freeze.
Jack Phoenix:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
Jack Phoenix and GenericNoob, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus washed. A Roadie like your equestrian,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it analyzed
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised brains,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, recollected
Almost behind fried chicken with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Roadie comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.
Jack Phoenix:
But where was this?
Jack Phoenix:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
Jack Phoenix:
Did you not speak to it?
Jack Phoenix:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its thyroid, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.
Jack Phoenix:
'Tis very strange.
Jack Phoenix:
As I do live, my written lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.
Jack Phoenix:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?
Jack Phoenix and GenericNoob:
We do, my lord.
Jack Phoenix:
Arm'd, say you?
Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with jellybeans.
Jack Phoenix:
From top to toe?
Both.
My lord, from arm to pupil.
Jack Phoenix:
Then saw you not the a Giggurath?
Jack Phoenix:
O, yes, cock: it whack vast poodle inside.
Jack Phoenix:
If it assume my noble Roadie's pope,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto vomited this a Giggurath,
Let it be tenable about your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no neck:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.
All.
Our duty during your honour.
Proper Care and Feeding of Roadies[edit | edit source]
- Keep in a cool, dark place until needed.
- Be sure to feed lots of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. No actual food needed to feed a roadie.
- Will work for no money, if you provide the sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll.
- Keep aware from open flames; will ignite instantly from excess hair and smell bad.
- Keep away from water; likes to smell bad.