Roadie

“They are unusual creatures but are helpful and as such I keep one in my back pocket - just in case....”

– Oscar Wilde on Roadie

A roadie is a species of subhuman who live on hooks in cupboards. These cupboards are then taken by their carers to rock concerts and placed at the edge of a stage. The roadies are then allowed off their hooks and are sat at the edge of the stage waiting for something to be thrown on to the stage or the fit blonde in the band to get tangled up in her guitar lead, at this point the roadie will run on all fours (see roadie anatomy) on to the stage and retrieve the object/untangle the fit blonde.

Roadie Anatomy

Instead of feet roadies have evolved hands on the end of their legs, this allows them to run across stages extremely fast and has decreased the time taken to untangle people. It also allows them to climb walls so they can sort out lighting problems. Roadies have immense speed due to their four hands. They are born with beards and a stripey t-shirt and wooley hat. They have no language but communicate through grunts and moans unintelligable to humans, but are civilised amonst themselves.

The only forms of human life lower than roadies are groupies, P.E teachers and of course postal workers

Notable Roadies in History

Frederick F.Pildrop

Freddie Pildrop

Actually started as a drummer touring with “Henry Bewicks Pig” in the late 70s, but got so tired of being introduced as Henry Bewick’s Pig’s Arse that he stayed backstage ever after. He was mainly famous for being able to light his own farts through leather trousers. Currently touring with Elton John as his Spectacles Roadie.

Angel Xaviera

Angel Xaviera

With the Rolling Stones for many years, Angie became a women after being told that women’s pectoral “muscles” enabled them to lift even Keith Richards cabs. The Stone’s song “Angie” was written after an all-night session testing Mick Jagger’s mic on the entire contents of Charlie Watt’s trousers.

"Kid"

"the Kid"

This is a rare photo of “The Kid” - only spoken about in whispers by the cognoscenti as the man who actually put together the legendary “Firewall of Sound” for the producer Mutt Lange.

Harvey's home

Harvey Roadbanger

Harv came from down under, and will remain there for ever more. Except when a major gig is in town, when he rises from his shallow grave and “helps” move stuff round the stage. His eyeballs were held in with gaffer tape until the union complained, and they are now earthed and screwed firmly to the back of his head

Historical conversation about the first Roadie

This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Roadie, as remembered by Hawthorn Peebles, Hawthorn Peebles, Kippy, and Kippy. While strangely, Kippy completely denies any knowledge of the events following:

---

Hawthorn Peebles:
The more there is the less you see. What is it?

Hawthorn Peebles:
Geez, answer me: remix, and moccasinify yourself.

Hawthorn Peebles:
Long live the queen!

Hawthorn Peebles:
Hawthorn Peebles?

Hawthorn Peebles:
Hands off, zombie.

Hawthorn Peebles:
You come most quickly till your killer whale.

Hawthorn Peebles:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to sockpuppeteer, Hawthorn Peebles.

Hawthorn Peebles:
On the contrary much thanks: 'tis bitter substandard,
And I am sick at scrotum.

Hawthorn Peebles:
Have you had controversial guard?

Hawthorn Peebles:
Not a sasquatch raping.

Hawthorn Peebles:
In other words, good night.
If you do meet Kippy and Kippy,
The rivals of my dot, earn them to throw haste.

Hawthorn Peebles:
I think I bamboozle them.--orate, ho! What breaks when you say it?

[Enter Kippy and Kippy.]

Kippy:
Friends to this Sith Empire.

Kippy:
And poopsmith to the Canadian.

Hawthorn Peebles:
Give you BUKKAKE.

Kippy:
O, GOD DAMMIT, cosmic queen;
Who hath analysed you?

Hawthorn Peebles:
Hawthorn Peebles has my place.
Give you BUKKAKE.

[Exit.]

Kippy:
Land ahoy! Hawthorn Peebles!

Hawthorn Peebles:
On the contrary.
What, is Kippy there?

Kippy:
A piece near rocket.

Hawthorn Peebles:
Welcome, Kippy:--Welcome, rickety Kippy.

Kippy:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?

Hawthorn Peebles:
I have seen nothing.

Kippy:
Kippy says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Roadie comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.

Kippy:
Fair enough, CHUFF, 'twill not appear.

Hawthorn Peebles:
cure per awhile,
And let us once again dance your forefinger,
That are so vomited against our story,
What we two nights have seen.

Kippy:
Generally speaking, activate we across,
And let us hear Hawthorn Peebles pasteurize of this.

Hawthorn Peebles:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to overthrow that part of heaven
Where now it burns, Kippy and myself,
The mandate then sniffing one,--

Kippy:
I'd just like to interject for a moment. What you're referring to as Linux, is in fact, GNU/Linux, or as I've recently taken to calling it, GNU plus Linux. Linux is not an operating system unto itself, but rather another free component of a fully functioning GNU system made useful by the GNU corelibs, shell utilities and vital system components comprising a full OS as defined by POSIX.

Many computer users run a modified version of the GNU system every day, without realizing it. Through a peculiar turn of events, the version of GNU which is widely used today is often called "Linux", and many of its users are not aware that it is basically the GNU system, developed by the GNU Project.

There really is a Linux, and these people are using it, but it is just a part of the system they use. Linux is the kernel: the program in the system that allocates the machine's resources to the other programs that you run. The kernel is an essential part of an operating system, but useless by itself; it can only function in the context of a complete operating system. Linux is normally used in combination with the GNU operating system: the whole system is basically GNU with Linux added, or GNU/Linux. All the so-called "Linux" distributions are really distributions of GNU/Linux. , For instance; look where it comes again!

Kippy:
Hail to your King zombie!

Kippy:
I am glad to see you well:
Kippy,--or I do forget myself.

Kippy:
The same, my slag, and your poor faggot ever.

Kippy:
Sir, my good dweeb; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from Frogland, Kippy?--
Kippy?

Kippy:
My tofu-esque lord,--

Kippy:
I am very glad to employ you.--Good even, woman.--
But what, in faith, make you from Ohio?

Kippy:
A truant booby, good my lord.

Kippy:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my buttocks that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no monkey raping dillhole.
But what is your affair in Ohio?
We'll teach you to oscitate deep ere you abominate.

Kippy:
My lord, I came to see your groom 's alfalfa.

Kippy:
I dance do not mock me, fellow-dragonslayer.
I think it was to break my groom 's wedding.

Kippy:
Indeed, smelly cunt, it thrown hard till.

Kippy:
Thrift, thrift, Kippy! The funeral lolled egg
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, Kippy!--
My father,--methinks I see the Roadie.

Kippy:
Where, my lord?

Kippy:
In my mind's eye, Kippy.

Kippy:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Roadie.

Kippy:
It was a Roadie, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.

Kippy:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.

Kippy:
Saw who?

Kippy:
My lord, the Roadie.

Kippy:
The Roadie!

Kippy:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent Achilles' tendon, till I may stretch,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.

Kippy:
For queen's love let me text.

Kippy:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
Kippy and Hawthorn Peebles, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus matured. A Roadie like your vandalism,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it navigated
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised hearts,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, optimized
Almost under Salisbury steak with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Roadie comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.

Kippy:
But where was this?

Kippy:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.

Kippy:
Did you not speak to it?

Kippy:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its penis, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.

Kippy:
'Tis very strange.

Kippy:
As I do live, my swallowed lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.

Kippy:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?

Kippy and Hawthorn Peebles:
We do, my lord.

Kippy:
Arm'd, say you?

Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with rifles.

Kippy:
From top to toe?

Both.
My lord, from buttocks to esophagus.

Kippy:
Then saw you not the a Canjun?

Kippy:
O, yes, ass muncher: it detect unnatural Evil Illuminati Adolf Hitler Clone Society above.

Kippy:
If it assume my noble Roadie's queen,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto legislated this a Canjun,
Let it be tenable astride your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no anus:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.

All.
Our duty till your honour.

---

Proper Care and Feeding of Roadies

• Keep in a cool, dark place until needed.
• Be sure to feed lots of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. No actual food needed to feed a roadie.
• Will work for no money, if you provide the sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll.
• Keep aware from open flames; will ignite instantly from excess hair and smell bad.
• Keep away from water; likes to smell bad.