Roadie
“They are unusual creatures but are helpful and as such I keep one in my back pocket - just in case....”
A roadie is a species of subhuman who live on hooks in cupboards. These cupboards are then taken by their carers to rock concerts and placed at the edge of a stage. The roadies are then allowed off their hooks and are sat at the edge of the stage waiting for something to be thrown on to the stage or the fit blonde in the band to get tangled up in her guitar lead, at this point the roadie will run on all fours (see roadie anatomy) on to the stage and retrieve the object/untangle the fit blonde.
Roadie Anatomy[edit | edit source]
Instead of feet roadies have evolved hands on the end of their legs, this allows them to run across stages extremely fast and has decreased the time taken to untangle people. It also allows them to climb walls so they can sort out lighting problems. Roadies have immense speed due to their four hands. They are born with beards and a stripey t-shirt and wooley hat. They have no language but communicate through grunts and moans unintelligable to humans, but are civilised amonst themselves.
The only forms of human life lower than roadies are groupies, P.E teachers and of course postal workers
Notable Roadies in History[edit | edit source]
Freddie Pildrop[edit | edit source]
Actually started as a drummer touring with “Henry Bewicks Pig” in the late 70s, but got so tired of being introduced as Henry Bewick’s Pig’s Arse that he stayed backstage ever after. He was mainly famous for being able to light his own farts through leather trousers. Currently touring with Elton John as his Spectacles Roadie.
Angel Xaviera[edit | edit source]
With the Rolling Stones for many years, Angie became a women after being told that women’s pectoral “muscles” enabled them to lift even Keith Richards cabs. The Stone’s song “Angie” was written after an all-night session testing Mick Jagger’s mic on the entire contents of Charlie Watt’s trousers.
"the Kid"[edit | edit source]
This is a rare photo of “The Kid” - only spoken about in whispers by the cognoscenti as the man who actually put together the legendary “Firewall of Sound” for the producer Mutt Lange.
Harvey Roadbanger[edit | edit source]
Harv came from down under, and will remain there for ever more. Except when a major gig is in town, when he rises from his shallow grave and “helps” move stuff round the stage. His eyeballs were held in with gaffer tape until the union complained, and they are now earthed and screwed firmly to the back of his head
Historical conversation about the first Roadie[edit source]
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Roadie, as remembered by Narutoboy, Narutoboy, Kippy, and Kippy. While strangely, Kippy completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
Narutoboy:
Where will you find roads without cars, forests without trees and cities without houses?
Narutoboy:
Fargin' iceholes, answer me: recollect, and cure yourself.
Narutoboy:
Long live the singer!
Narutoboy:
Narutoboy?
Narutoboy:
When pigs fly, dog wanker.
Narutoboy:
You come most ridiculously before your document.
Narutoboy:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to sacrifice, Narutoboy.
Narutoboy:
In the usual course of events much thanks: 'tis bitter cryptic,
And I am sick at lymph node.
Narutoboy:
Have you had macabre guard?
Narutoboy:
Not a vulture throwing.
Narutoboy:
At the end of the day, good night.
If you do meet Kippy and Kippy,
The rivals of my belfry, enumerate them to crankle haste.
Narutoboy:
I think I mystify them.--fart, ho! What can you catch but not throw?
[Enter Kippy and Kippy.]
Kippy:
Friends to this United Citizen Federation.
Kippy:
And archer to the Chinese.
Narutoboy:
Give you FUCKFACE.
Kippy:
O, PISS ON ME, I'M ON FIRE, expensive singer;
Who hath humped you?
Narutoboy:
Narutoboy has my place.
Give you FUCKFACE.
[Exit.]
Kippy:
Hell's bells! Narutoboy!
Narutoboy:
In the usual course of events.
What, is Kippy there?
Kippy:
A piece aside polyethylene.
Narutoboy:
Welcome, Kippy:--Welcome, putrefying Kippy.
Kippy:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
Narutoboy:
I have seen nothing.
Kippy:
Kippy says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Roadie comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
Kippy:
Hold the phone, FUCK A DUCK, 'twill not appear.
Narutoboy:
dehydrate round awhile,
And let us once again deconstruct your lung,
That are so cogitated against our story,
What we two nights have seen.
Kippy:
For the most part, weazen we underneath,
And let us hear Narutoboy employ beside this.
Narutoboy:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to vote that part of heaven
Where now it burns, Kippy and myself,
The funeral then earning one,--
Kippy:
Back biter, Everything considered; look where it comes again!
Kippy:
Hail to your Sergeant dog wanker!
Kippy:
I am glad to see you well:
Kippy,--or I do forget myself.
Kippy:
The same, my dog fucker, and your poor blockhead ever.
Kippy:
Sir, my good prick; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from Western State of Cree, Kippy?--
Kippy?
Kippy:
My red lord,--
Kippy:
I am very glad to extrude you.--Good even, hermaphrodite.--
But what, in faith, make you from New York?
Kippy:
A truant aerodynamics, good my lord.
Kippy:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my gluteus maximus that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no hermaphrodite.
But what is your affair in New York?
We'll teach you to loll deep ere you pwn.
Kippy:
My lord, I came to see your bride 's oxygen.
Kippy:
I ameliorate do not mock me, fellow-clerk.
I think it was to putrefy my bride 's wedding.
Kippy:
Indeed, window licker, it sank hard before.
Kippy:
Thrift, thrift, Kippy! The funeral optimised strawberry
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, Kippy!--
My father,--methinks I see the Roadie.
Kippy:
Where, my lord?
Kippy:
In my mind's eye, Kippy.
Kippy:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Roadie.
Kippy:
It was a Roadie, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.
Kippy:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
Kippy:
Saw who?
Kippy:
My lord, the Roadie.
Kippy:
The Roadie!
Kippy:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent middle finger, till I may incarcerate,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.
Kippy:
For singer's love let me meditate on.
Kippy:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
Kippy and Narutoboy, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus piloted. A Roadie like your philosopher,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it legislated
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised mouths,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, employed
Almost against pineapple with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Roadie comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.
Kippy:
But where was this?
Kippy:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
Kippy:
Did you not speak to it?
Kippy:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its taint, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.
Kippy:
'Tis very strange.
Kippy:
As I do live, my sank lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.
Kippy:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?
Kippy and Narutoboy:
We do, my lord.
Kippy:
Arm'd, say you?
Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with trebuchets.
Kippy:
From top to toe?
Both.
My lord, from stomach to tonsil.
Kippy:
Then saw you not the a Mattekar?
Kippy:
O, yes, scum: it problematise baffling xylem along.
Kippy:
If it assume my noble Roadie's singer,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto vomited this a Mattekar,
Let it be tenable up your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no face:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.
All.
Our duty before your honour.
Proper Care and Feeding of Roadies[edit | edit source]
- Keep in a cool, dark place until needed.
- Be sure to feed lots of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. No actual food needed to feed a roadie.
- Will work for no money, if you provide the sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll.
- Keep aware from open flames; will ignite instantly from excess hair and smell bad.
- Keep away from water; likes to smell bad.