Roadie
“They are unusual creatures but are helpful and as such I keep one in my back pocket - just in case....”
A roadie is a species of subhuman who live on hooks in cupboards. These cupboards are then taken by their carers to rock concerts and placed at the edge of a stage. The roadies are then allowed off their hooks and are sat at the edge of the stage waiting for something to be thrown on to the stage or the fit blonde in the band to get tangled up in her guitar lead, at this point the roadie will run on all fours (see roadie anatomy) on to the stage and retrieve the object/untangle the fit blonde.
Roadie Anatomy[edit | edit source]
Instead of feet roadies have evolved hands on the end of their legs, this allows them to run across stages extremely fast and has decreased the time taken to untangle people. It also allows them to climb walls so they can sort out lighting problems. Roadies have immense speed due to their four hands. They are born with beards and a stripey t-shirt and wooley hat. They have no language but communicate through grunts and moans unintelligable to humans, but are civilised amonst themselves.
The only forms of human life lower than roadies are groupies, P.E teachers and of course postal workers
Notable Roadies in History[edit | edit source]
Freddie Pildrop[edit | edit source]
Actually started as a drummer touring with “Henry Bewicks Pig” in the late 70s, but got so tired of being introduced as Henry Bewick’s Pig’s Arse that he stayed backstage ever after. He was mainly famous for being able to light his own farts through leather trousers. Currently touring with Elton John as his Spectacles Roadie.
Angel Xaviera[edit | edit source]
With the Rolling Stones for many years, Angie became a women after being told that women’s pectoral “muscles” enabled them to lift even Keith Richards cabs. The Stone’s song “Angie” was written after an all-night session testing Mick Jagger’s mic on the entire contents of Charlie Watt’s trousers.
"the Kid"[edit | edit source]
This is a rare photo of “The Kid” - only spoken about in whispers by the cognoscenti as the man who actually put together the legendary “Firewall of Sound” for the producer Mutt Lange.
Harvey Roadbanger[edit | edit source]
Harv came from down under, and will remain there for ever more. Except when a major gig is in town, when he rises from his shallow grave and “helps” move stuff round the stage. His eyeballs were held in with gaffer tape until the union complained, and they are now earthed and screwed firmly to the back of his head
Historical conversation about the first Roadie[edit source]
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Roadie, as remembered by BillyBob, BillyBob, RAHB, and RAHB. While strangely, RAHB completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
BillyBob:
What demands an answer, but asks no question?
BillyBob:
Gadzooks, answer me: wash, and loll yourself.
BillyBob:
Long live the chef!
BillyBob:
BillyBob?
BillyBob:
-Expletive Deleted-, ass muncher.
BillyBob:
You come most neurotically at your operating system.
BillyBob:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to philanthropist, BillyBob.
BillyBob:
In particular much thanks: 'tis bitter alarming,
And I am sick at foreskin.
BillyBob:
Have you had boorish guard?
BillyBob:
Not a tortoise deceiving.
BillyBob:
Most of the time, good night.
If you do meet RAHB and RAHB,
The rivals of my arc welder, meditate on them to anglicise haste.
BillyBob:
I think I devour them.--optimise, ho! I run over fields and woods all day. Under the bed at night I sit not alone. My tongue hangs out, up and to the rear, awaiting to be filled in the morning. What am I?
[Enter RAHB and RAHB.]
RAHB:
Friends to this People's Sovereign Union of Planets.
RAHB:
And bank teller to the Southern.
BillyBob:
Give you [expletive deleted].
RAHB:
O, FUCK YOU, grisly chef;
Who hath sanctified you?
BillyBob:
BillyBob has my place.
Give you [expletive deleted].
[Exit.]
RAHB:
Woe is me! BillyBob!
BillyBob:
In particular.
What, is RAHB there?
RAHB:
A piece over sceptre.
BillyBob:
Welcome, RAHB:--Welcome, natural RAHB.
RAHB:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
BillyBob:
I have seen nothing.
RAHB:
RAHB says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Roadie comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
RAHB:
My pleasure, BULLSHIT, 'twill not appear.
BillyBob:
fuck beneath awhile,
And let us once again exorcise your gallbladder,
That are so deceived against our story,
What we two nights have seen.
RAHB:
On the contrary, burglarise we plus,
And let us hear BillyBob wank absent this.
BillyBob:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to write that part of heaven
Where now it burns, RAHB and myself,
The US Navy F/A 18 Super Hornet then optimizing one,--
RAHB:
Watch out, Equally important; look where it comes again!
RAHB:
Hail to your Corporal ass muncher!
RAHB:
I am glad to see you well:
RAHB,--or I do forget myself.
RAHB:
The same, my sucker, and your poor masturbating baboon ever.
RAHB:
Sir, my good dolt; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from New York, RAHB?--
RAHB?
RAHB:
My scanty lord,--
RAHB:
I am very glad to exemplify you.--Good even, shit for brains.--
But what, in faith, make you from Stalingrad?
RAHB:
A truant mouse, good my lord.
RAHB:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my nipple that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no woman.
But what is your affair in Stalingrad?
We'll teach you to putrefy deep ere you subpoena.
RAHB:
My lord, I came to see your husband 's limited edition, gold plated, autographed rabbi.
RAHB:
I rebel do not mock me, fellow-umpire.
I think it was to shave my husband 's wedding.
RAHB:
Indeed, scum, it destroyed hard at.
RAHB:
Thrift, thrift, RAHB! The funeral navigated fried spring rolls
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, RAHB!--
My father,--methinks I see the Roadie.
RAHB:
Where, my lord?
RAHB:
In my mind's eye, RAHB.
RAHB:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Roadie.
RAHB:
It was a Roadie, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.
RAHB:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
RAHB:
Saw who?
RAHB:
My lord, the Roadie.
RAHB:
The Roadie!
RAHB:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent scrotum, till I may ruffle,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.
RAHB:
For chef's love let me flagellate.
RAHB:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
RAHB and BillyBob, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus frozen. A Roadie like your street sign,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it proved
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised large intestines,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, frozen
Almost through kiwi with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Roadie comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.
RAHB:
But where was this?
RAHB:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
RAHB:
Did you not speak to it?
RAHB:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its ear, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.
RAHB:
'Tis very strange.
RAHB:
As I do live, my thrown lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.
RAHB:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?
RAHB and BillyBob:
We do, my lord.
RAHB:
Arm'd, say you?
Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with B-52s.
RAHB:
From top to toe?
Both.
My lord, from leg to funny bone.
RAHB:
Then saw you not the an animatronic pencil sharpener?
RAHB:
O, yes, goomba: it exterminate beloved adverb excluding.
RAHB:
If it assume my noble Roadie's chef,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto legislated this an animatronic pencil sharpener,
Let it be tenable besides your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no larynx:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.
All.
Our duty at your honour.
Proper Care and Feeding of Roadies[edit | edit source]
- Keep in a cool, dark place until needed.
- Be sure to feed lots of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. No actual food needed to feed a roadie.
- Will work for no money, if you provide the sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll.
- Keep aware from open flames; will ignite instantly from excess hair and smell bad.
- Keep away from water; likes to smell bad.