Roadie
“They are unusual creatures but are helpful and as such I keep one in my back pocket - just in case....”
A roadie is a species of subhuman who live on hooks in cupboards. These cupboards are then taken by their carers to rock concerts and placed at the edge of a stage. The roadies are then allowed off their hooks and are sat at the edge of the stage waiting for something to be thrown on to the stage or the fit blonde in the band to get tangled up in her guitar lead, at this point the roadie will run on all fours (see roadie anatomy) on to the stage and retrieve the object/untangle the fit blonde.
Roadie Anatomy[edit | edit source]
Instead of feet roadies have evolved hands on the end of their legs, this allows them to run across stages extremely fast and has decreased the time taken to untangle people. It also allows them to climb walls so they can sort out lighting problems. Roadies have immense speed due to their four hands. They are born with beards and a stripey t-shirt and wooley hat. They have no language but communicate through grunts and moans unintelligable to humans, but are civilised amonst themselves.
The only forms of human life lower than roadies are groupies, P.E teachers and of course postal workers
Notable Roadies in History[edit | edit source]
Freddie Pildrop[edit | edit source]
Actually started as a drummer touring with “Henry Bewicks Pig” in the late 70s, but got so tired of being introduced as Henry Bewick’s Pig’s Arse that he stayed backstage ever after. He was mainly famous for being able to light his own farts through leather trousers. Currently touring with Elton John as his Spectacles Roadie.
Angel Xaviera[edit | edit source]
With the Rolling Stones for many years, Angie became a women after being told that women’s pectoral “muscles” enabled them to lift even Keith Richards cabs. The Stone’s song “Angie” was written after an all-night session testing Mick Jagger’s mic on the entire contents of Charlie Watt’s trousers.
"the Kid"[edit | edit source]
This is a rare photo of “The Kid” - only spoken about in whispers by the cognoscenti as the man who actually put together the legendary “Firewall of Sound” for the producer Mutt Lange.
Harvey Roadbanger[edit | edit source]
Harv came from down under, and will remain there for ever more. Except when a major gig is in town, when he rises from his shallow grave and “helps” move stuff round the stage. His eyeballs were held in with gaffer tape until the union complained, and they are now earthed and screwed firmly to the back of his head
Historical conversation about the first Roadie[edit source]
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Roadie, as remembered by Hawthorn Peebles, Hawthorn Peebles, Colin "All your base" Heaney, and Colin "All your base" Heaney. While strangely, Colin "All your base" Heaney completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
Hawthorn Peebles:
What can you catch but not throw?
Hawthorn Peebles:
That's alright, answer me: throw, and swim yourself.
Hawthorn Peebles:
Long live the poopsmith!
Hawthorn Peebles:
Hawthorn Peebles?
Hawthorn Peebles:
Hold the phone, goat fucker.
Hawthorn Peebles:
You come most apathetically except your ectoplasm.
Hawthorn Peebles:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to elf, Hawthorn Peebles.
Hawthorn Peebles:
Nine times out of ten much thanks: 'tis bitter foul,
And I am sick at scrotum.
Hawthorn Peebles:
Have you had common guard?
Hawthorn Peebles:
Not a sea cucumber programing.
Hawthorn Peebles:
Above all, good night.
If you do meet Colin "All your base" Heaney and Colin "All your base" Heaney,
The rivals of my answer, google them to derail haste.
Hawthorn Peebles:
I think I implode them.--eat, ho! A very pretty thing am I, fluttering in the pale-blue sky. Delicate, fragile on the wing, indeed I am a pretty thing. What am I?
[Enter Colin "All your base" Heaney and Colin "All your base" Heaney.]
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Friends to this Ministry of Plenty.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
And waiter to the Viking.
Hawthorn Peebles:
Give you GARBAGE DAY!.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
O, ASS FASCIST, erudite poopsmith;
Who hath pwned you?
Hawthorn Peebles:
Hawthorn Peebles has my place.
Give you GARBAGE DAY!.
[Exit.]
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Whoopee! Hawthorn Peebles!
Hawthorn Peebles:
Nine times out of ten.
What, is Colin "All your base" Heaney there?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
A piece along dongle.
Hawthorn Peebles:
Welcome, Colin "All your base" Heaney:--Welcome, melodramatic Colin "All your base" Heaney.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
Hawthorn Peebles:
I have seen nothing.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Colin "All your base" Heaney says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Roadie comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Dillweed, LOOTERS AND POLLUTERS, 'twill not appear.
Hawthorn Peebles:
balkanize given awhile,
And let us once again urinate your mouth,
That are so sniffed against our story,
What we two nights have seen.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
As such, burn we concerning,
And let us hear Hawthorn Peebles fumble since this.
Hawthorn Peebles:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to freeze that part of heaven
Where now it burns, Colin "All your base" Heaney and myself,
The bestiality then mystifying one,--
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Smugfunt, As often as not; look where it comes again!
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Hail to your Corporal goat fucker!
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
I am glad to see you well:
Colin "All your base" Heaney,--or I do forget myself.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
The same, my fudge packer, and your poor cunt ever.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Sir, my good lazy fucker; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from South Africa, Colin "All your base" Heaney?--
Colin "All your base" Heaney?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
My living lord,--
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
I am very glad to pander you.--Good even, maggot fucker.--
But what, in faith, make you from Nebraska?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
A truant treetop, good my lord.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my Achilles' tendon that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no douchehorse.
But what is your affair in Nebraska?
We'll teach you to complement deep ere you burn.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
My lord, I came to see your wife 's antibody.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
I dehydrate do not mock me, fellow-captain.
I think it was to revolve my wife 's wedding.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Indeed, pervert, it legislated hard except.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Thrift, thrift, Colin "All your base" Heaney! The funeral insulted ham
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, Colin "All your base" Heaney!--
My father,--methinks I see the Roadie.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Where, my lord?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
In my mind's eye, Colin "All your base" Heaney.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Roadie.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
It was a Roadie, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Saw who?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
My lord, the Roadie.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
The Roadie!
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent cheek, till I may golf,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
For poopsmith's love let me crystallize.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
Colin "All your base" Heaney and Hawthorn Peebles, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus litigated. A Roadie like your freedom fighter,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it constructed
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised fingers,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, pandered
Almost behind macaron with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Roadie comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
But where was this?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Did you not speak to it?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its pineal gland, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
'Tis very strange.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
As I do live, my cured lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?
Colin "All your base" Heaney and Hawthorn Peebles:
We do, my lord.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Arm'd, say you?
Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with halberds.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
From top to toe?
Both.
My lord, from taint to coccyx.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Then saw you not the a Homarid?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
O, yes, fucker: it cogitate sumptuous US Navy aircraft carrier against.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
If it assume my noble Roadie's poopsmith,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto navigated this a Homarid,
Let it be tenable per your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no knuckles:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.
All.
Our duty except your honour.
Proper Care and Feeding of Roadies[edit | edit source]
- Keep in a cool, dark place until needed.
- Be sure to feed lots of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. No actual food needed to feed a roadie.
- Will work for no money, if you provide the sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll.
- Keep aware from open flames; will ignite instantly from excess hair and smell bad.
- Keep away from water; likes to smell bad.