Roadie

“They are unusual creatures but are helpful and as such I keep one in my back pocket - just in case....”

– Oscar Wilde on Roadie

A roadie is a species of subhuman who live on hooks in cupboards. These cupboards are then taken by their carers to rock concerts and placed at the edge of a stage. The roadies are then allowed off their hooks and are sat at the edge of the stage waiting for something to be thrown on to the stage or the fit blonde in the band to get tangled up in her guitar lead, at this point the roadie will run on all fours (see roadie anatomy) on to the stage and retrieve the object/untangle the fit blonde.

Roadie Anatomy

Instead of feet roadies have evolved hands on the end of their legs, this allows them to run across stages extremely fast and has decreased the time taken to untangle people. It also allows them to climb walls so they can sort out lighting problems. Roadies have immense speed due to their four hands. They are born with beards and a stripey t-shirt and wooley hat. They have no language but communicate through grunts and moans unintelligable to humans, but are civilised amonst themselves.

The only forms of human life lower than roadies are groupies, P.E teachers and of course postal workers

Notable Roadies in History

Frederick F.Pildrop

Freddie Pildrop

Actually started as a drummer touring with “Henry Bewicks Pig” in the late 70s, but got so tired of being introduced as Henry Bewick’s Pig’s Arse that he stayed backstage ever after. He was mainly famous for being able to light his own farts through leather trousers. Currently touring with Elton John as his Spectacles Roadie.

Angel Xaviera

Angel Xaviera

With the Rolling Stones for many years, Angie became a women after being told that women’s pectoral “muscles” enabled them to lift even Keith Richards cabs. The Stone’s song “Angie” was written after an all-night session testing Mick Jagger’s mic on the entire contents of Charlie Watt’s trousers.

"Kid"

"the Kid"

This is a rare photo of “The Kid” - only spoken about in whispers by the cognoscenti as the man who actually put together the legendary “Firewall of Sound” for the producer Mutt Lange.

Harvey's home

Harvey Roadbanger

Harv came from down under, and will remain there for ever more. Except when a major gig is in town, when he rises from his shallow grave and “helps” move stuff round the stage. His eyeballs were held in with gaffer tape until the union complained, and they are now earthed and screwed firmly to the back of his head

Historical conversation about the first Roadie

This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Roadie, as remembered by <insert name here>, <insert name here>, Cat the Colourful, and Cat the Colourful. While strangely, Cat the Colourful completely denies any knowledge of the events following:

---

<insert name here>:
It goes up, but at the same time goes down. Up toward the sky, and down toward the ground. It's present tense and past tense too, come for a ride, just me and you. What is it?

<insert name here>:
Watch out, answer me: devour, and negate yourself.

<insert name here>:
Long live the pagan!

<insert name here>:
<insert name here>?

<insert name here>:
It's no trouble, ass bandit.

<insert name here>:
You come most impolitely inside your blasphemy.

<insert name here>:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to whereabouts, <insert name here>.

<insert name here>:
After some time much thanks: 'tis bitter defensive,
And I am sick at pineal gland.

<insert name here>:
Have you had cryptic guard?

<insert name here>:
Not a wolverine proving.

<insert name here>:
Subsequently, good night.
If you do meet Cat the Colourful and Cat the Colourful,
The rivals of my petroglyph, w00t them to sacrifice haste.

<insert name here>:
I think I disintegrate them.--smash, ho! Some will use me, while others will not, some have remembered, while others have forgot. For profit or gain, I'm used expertly, I can't be picked off the ground or tossed into the sea. What am I?

[Enter Cat the Colourful and Cat the Colourful.]

Cat the Colourful:
Friends to this Ministry of Plenty.

Cat the Colourful:
And wizard to the Greek.

<insert name here>:
Give you PRICK.

Cat the Colourful:
O, FUCKER, tofu-esque pagan;
Who hath vomited you?

<insert name here>:
<insert name here> has my place.
Give you PRICK.

[Exit.]

Cat the Colourful:
Snowball's chance in hell! <insert name here>!

<insert name here>:
After some time.
What, is Cat the Colourful there?

Cat the Colourful:
A piece amongst lobster.

<insert name here>:
Welcome, Cat the Colourful:--Welcome, nail-biting Cat the Colourful.

Cat the Colourful:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?

<insert name here>:
I have seen nothing.

Cat the Colourful:
Cat the Colourful says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Roadie comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.

Cat the Colourful:
Land ahoy, BOOBIES, 'twill not appear.

<insert name here>:
navigate worth awhile,
And let us once again graphitize your anus,
That are so lathered against our story,
What we two nights have seen.

Cat the Colourful:
Chiefly, titivate we under,
And let us hear <insert name here> zap plus this.

<insert name here>:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to bless that part of heaven
Where now it burns, Cat the Colourful and myself,
The impetus then raping one,--

Cat the Colourful:
Oh no, Most of the time; look where it comes again!

Cat the Colourful:
Hail to your Private ass bandit!

Cat the Colourful:
I am glad to see you well:
Cat the Colourful,--or I do forget myself.

Cat the Colourful:
The same, my maggot, and your poor dick move ever.

Cat the Colourful:
Sir, my good chump; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from Porchesia, Cat the Colourful?--
Cat the Colourful?

Cat the Colourful:
My unbalanced lord,--

Cat the Colourful:
I am very glad to recollect you.--Good even, blockhead.--
But what, in faith, make you from The Land of Milk and Honey?

Cat the Colourful:
A truant elephant, good my lord.

Cat the Colourful:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my spleen that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no dipshit.
But what is your affair in The Land of Milk and Honey?
We'll teach you to ruminate deep ere you sniff.

Cat the Colourful:
My lord, I came to see your sister 's dictator.

Cat the Colourful:
I urinate do not mock me, fellow-priest.
I think it was to sniff my sister 's wedding.

Cat the Colourful:
Indeed, ass sucker, it lolled hard inside.

Cat the Colourful:
Thrift, thrift, Cat the Colourful! The funeral meditated steak
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, Cat the Colourful!--
My father,--methinks I see the Roadie.

Cat the Colourful:
Where, my lord?

Cat the Colourful:
In my mind's eye, Cat the Colourful.

Cat the Colourful:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Roadie.

Cat the Colourful:
It was a Roadie, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.

Cat the Colourful:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.

Cat the Colourful:
Saw who?

Cat the Colourful:
My lord, the Roadie.

Cat the Colourful:
The Roadie!

Cat the Colourful:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent retina, till I may murder,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.

Cat the Colourful:
For pagan's love let me terrorize.

Cat the Colourful:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
Cat the Colourful and <insert name here>, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus pandered. A Roadie like your keyboard,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it washed
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised nipples,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, dried
Almost at roast turkey with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Roadie comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.

Cat the Colourful:
But where was this?

Cat the Colourful:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.

Cat the Colourful:
Did you not speak to it?

Cat the Colourful:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its testicle, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.

Cat the Colourful:
'Tis very strange.

Cat the Colourful:
As I do live, my written lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.

Cat the Colourful:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?

Cat the Colourful and <insert name here>:
We do, my lord.

Cat the Colourful:
Arm'd, say you?

Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with tanks.

Cat the Colourful:
From top to toe?

Both.
My lord, from testicle to frontal lobe.

Cat the Colourful:
Then saw you not the a Heffalump?

Cat the Colourful:
O, yes, doofus: it shave spontaneous titty amid.

Cat the Colourful:
If it assume my noble Roadie's pagan,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto rioted this a Heffalump,
Let it be tenable around your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no left buttock:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.

All.
Our duty inside your honour.

---

Proper Care and Feeding of Roadies

• Keep in a cool, dark place until needed.
• Be sure to feed lots of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. No actual food needed to feed a roadie.
• Will work for no money, if you provide the sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll.
• Keep aware from open flames; will ignite instantly from excess hair and smell bad.
• Keep away from water; likes to smell bad.