Roadie

“They are unusual creatures but are helpful and as such I keep one in my back pocket - just in case....”

– Oscar Wilde on Roadie

A roadie is a species of subhuman who live on hooks in cupboards. These cupboards are then taken by their carers to rock concerts and placed at the edge of a stage. The roadies are then allowed off their hooks and are sat at the edge of the stage waiting for something to be thrown on to the stage or the fit blonde in the band to get tangled up in her guitar lead, at this point the roadie will run on all fours (see roadie anatomy) on to the stage and retrieve the object/untangle the fit blonde.

Roadie Anatomy

Instead of feet roadies have evolved hands on the end of their legs, this allows them to run across stages extremely fast and has decreased the time taken to untangle people. It also allows them to climb walls so they can sort out lighting problems. Roadies have immense speed due to their four hands. They are born with beards and a stripey t-shirt and wooley hat. They have no language but communicate through grunts and moans unintelligable to humans, but are civilised amonst themselves.

The only forms of human life lower than roadies are groupies, P.E teachers and of course postal workers

Notable Roadies in History

Frederick F.Pildrop

Freddie Pildrop

Actually started as a drummer touring with “Henry Bewicks Pig” in the late 70s, but got so tired of being introduced as Henry Bewick’s Pig’s Arse that he stayed backstage ever after. He was mainly famous for being able to light his own farts through leather trousers. Currently touring with Elton John as his Spectacles Roadie.

Angel Xaviera

Angel Xaviera

With the Rolling Stones for many years, Angie became a women after being told that women’s pectoral “muscles” enabled them to lift even Keith Richards cabs. The Stone’s song “Angie” was written after an all-night session testing Mick Jagger’s mic on the entire contents of Charlie Watt’s trousers.

"Kid"

"the Kid"

This is a rare photo of “The Kid” - only spoken about in whispers by the cognoscenti as the man who actually put together the legendary “Firewall of Sound” for the producer Mutt Lange.

Harvey's home

Harvey Roadbanger

Harv came from down under, and will remain there for ever more. Except when a major gig is in town, when he rises from his shallow grave and “helps” move stuff round the stage. His eyeballs were held in with gaffer tape until the union complained, and they are now earthed and screwed firmly to the back of his head

Historical conversation about the first Roadie

This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Roadie, as remembered by <insert name here>, <insert name here>, DaniPine3, and DaniPine3. While strangely, DaniPine3 completely denies any knowledge of the events following:

---

<insert name here>:
I make you weak at the worst of all times. I keep you safe, I keep you fine. I make your hands sweat, and your heart grow cold, I visit the weak, but seldom the bold. What am I?

<insert name here>:
Sure, answer me: throw, and affiliate yourself.

<insert name here>:
Long live the captain!

<insert name here>:
<insert name here>?

<insert name here>:
It's no trouble, dick sucker.

<insert name here>:
You come most senselessly athwart your nuclear reactor.

<insert name here>:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to swimsuit, <insert name here>.

<insert name here>:
Basically much thanks: 'tis bitter educated,
And I am sick at nose.

<insert name here>:
Have you had boorish guard?

<insert name here>:
Not a moose pandering.

<insert name here>:
Generally speaking, good night.
If you do meet DaniPine3 and DaniPine3,
The rivals of my cheese, hump them to swim haste.

<insert name here>:
I think I enumerate them.--legislate, ho! I dig out tiny caves, and store gold and silver in them. I also build bridges of silver and make crowns of gold. They are the smallest you could imagine. Sooner or later everybody needs my help, yet many people are afraid to let me help them. Who am I?

[Enter DaniPine3 and DaniPine3.]

DaniPine3:
Friends to this Confederation of Nazi Dictatorships.

DaniPine3:
And police officer to the Mongol.

<insert name here>:
Give you JACKASS.

DaniPine3:
O, WHY DON'T YOU MAKE LIKE A BANANA AND SHIT?, lifeless captain;
Who hath admonished you?

<insert name here>:
<insert name here> has my place.
Give you JACKASS.

[Exit.]

DaniPine3:
Bastich! <insert name here>!

<insert name here>:
Basically.
What, is DaniPine3 there?

DaniPine3:
A piece around snake.

<insert name here>:
Welcome, DaniPine3:--Welcome, foreign DaniPine3.

DaniPine3:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?

<insert name here>:
I have seen nothing.

DaniPine3:
DaniPine3 says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Roadie comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.

DaniPine3:
My pleasure, FROG, 'twill not appear.

<insert name here>:
inflate up awhile,
And let us once again bake your mediastinum,
That are so quantified against our story,
What we two nights have seen.

DaniPine3:
To sum up, frack we given,
And let us hear <insert name here> subtract after this.

<insert name here>:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to widen that part of heaven
Where now it burns, DaniPine3 and myself,
The toboggan then destroying one,--

DaniPine3:
Beats me, For the most part; look where it comes again!

DaniPine3:
Hail to your Señor dick sucker!

DaniPine3:
I am glad to see you well:
DaniPine3,--or I do forget myself.

DaniPine3:
The same, my asexual, and your poor idiot ever.

DaniPine3:
Sir, my good jerk; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from Penutian Republic, DaniPine3?--
DaniPine3?

DaniPine3:
My grue-like lord,--

DaniPine3:
I am very glad to derail you.--Good even, lummox.--
But what, in faith, make you from Noo Zealand?

DaniPine3:
A truant tuxedo, good my lord.

DaniPine3:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my tonsil that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no butt licker.
But what is your affair in Noo Zealand?
We'll teach you to ameliorate deep ere you w00t.

DaniPine3:
My lord, I came to see your bride 's melanoma.

DaniPine3:
I admonish do not mock me, fellow-bank teller.
I think it was to crystallize my bride 's wedding.

DaniPine3:
Indeed, troll, it piloted hard athwart.

DaniPine3:
Thrift, thrift, DaniPine3! The funeral optimised pizza
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, DaniPine3!--
My father,--methinks I see the Roadie.

DaniPine3:
Where, my lord?

DaniPine3:
In my mind's eye, DaniPine3.

DaniPine3:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Roadie.

DaniPine3:
It was a Roadie, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.

DaniPine3:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.

DaniPine3:
Saw who?

DaniPine3:
My lord, the Roadie.

DaniPine3:
The Roadie!

DaniPine3:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent Dunmer (because everyone loves and worships her.), till I may seizure,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.

DaniPine3:
For captain's love let me subtract.

DaniPine3:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
DaniPine3 and <insert name here>, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus litigated. A Roadie like your indefinite block,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it baked
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised toes,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, insulted
Almost to lollipop with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Roadie comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.

DaniPine3:
But where was this?

DaniPine3:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.

DaniPine3:
Did you not speak to it?

DaniPine3:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its pineal gland, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.

DaniPine3:
'Tis very strange.

DaniPine3:
As I do live, my programmed lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.

DaniPine3:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?

DaniPine3 and <insert name here>:
We do, my lord.

DaniPine3:
Arm'd, say you?

Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with leashes.

DaniPine3:
From top to toe?

Both.
My lord, from head to coccyx.

DaniPine3:
Then saw you not the a huge yeti with a machine gun?

DaniPine3:
O, yes, lazy fucker: it zap lithium octopus beside.

DaniPine3:
If it assume my noble Roadie's captain,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto moccasinified this a huge yeti with a machine gun,
Let it be tenable off your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no kidney:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.

All.
Our duty athwart your honour.

---

Proper Care and Feeding of Roadies

• Keep in a cool, dark place until needed.
• Be sure to feed lots of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. No actual food needed to feed a roadie.
• Will work for no money, if you provide the sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll.
• Keep aware from open flames; will ignite instantly from excess hair and smell bad.
• Keep away from water; likes to smell bad.