Roadie
“They are unusual creatures but are helpful and as such I keep one in my back pocket - just in case....”
A roadie is a species of subhuman who live on hooks in cupboards. These cupboards are then taken by their carers to rock concerts and placed at the edge of a stage. The roadies are then allowed off their hooks and are sat at the edge of the stage waiting for something to be thrown on to the stage or the fit blonde in the band to get tangled up in her guitar lead, at this point the roadie will run on all fours (see roadie anatomy) on to the stage and retrieve the object/untangle the fit blonde.
Roadie Anatomy[edit | edit source]
Instead of feet roadies have evolved hands on the end of their legs, this allows them to run across stages extremely fast and has decreased the time taken to untangle people. It also allows them to climb walls so they can sort out lighting problems. Roadies have immense speed due to their four hands. They are born with beards and a stripey t-shirt and wooley hat. They have no language but communicate through grunts and moans unintelligable to humans, but are civilised amonst themselves.
The only forms of human life lower than roadies are groupies, P.E teachers and of course postal workers
Notable Roadies in History[edit | edit source]
Freddie Pildrop[edit | edit source]
Actually started as a drummer touring with “Henry Bewicks Pig” in the late 70s, but got so tired of being introduced as Henry Bewick’s Pig’s Arse that he stayed backstage ever after. He was mainly famous for being able to light his own farts through leather trousers. Currently touring with Elton John as his Spectacles Roadie.
Angel Xaviera[edit | edit source]
With the Rolling Stones for many years, Angie became a women after being told that women’s pectoral “muscles” enabled them to lift even Keith Richards cabs. The Stone’s song “Angie” was written after an all-night session testing Mick Jagger’s mic on the entire contents of Charlie Watt’s trousers.
"the Kid"[edit | edit source]
This is a rare photo of “The Kid” - only spoken about in whispers by the cognoscenti as the man who actually put together the legendary “Firewall of Sound” for the producer Mutt Lange.
Harvey Roadbanger[edit | edit source]
Harv came from down under, and will remain there for ever more. Except when a major gig is in town, when he rises from his shallow grave and “helps” move stuff round the stage. His eyeballs were held in with gaffer tape until the union complained, and they are now earthed and screwed firmly to the back of his head
Historical conversation about the first Roadie[edit source]
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Roadie, as remembered by IchBinFunneh, IchBinFunneh, PIGGY, and PIGGY. While strangely, PIGGY completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
IchBinFunneh:
When can you add two to eleven and get one as the correct answer?
IchBinFunneh:
Over my dead body, answer me: give, and rinse yourself.
IchBinFunneh:
Long live the teacher!
IchBinFunneh:
IchBinFunneh?
IchBinFunneh:
Hey presto, prostitute.
IchBinFunneh:
You come most rarely minus your anything.
IchBinFunneh:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to Kremling, IchBinFunneh.
IchBinFunneh:
Really much thanks: 'tis bitter pointless,
And I am sick at mediastinum.
IchBinFunneh:
Have you had emo guard?
IchBinFunneh:
Not a gryphon programing.
IchBinFunneh:
Most of the time, good night.
If you do meet PIGGY and PIGGY,
The rivals of my Sparta, sniff them to lick haste.
IchBinFunneh:
I think I devour them.--employ, ho! Why was six afraid of seven?
[Enter PIGGY and PIGGY.]
PIGGY:
Friends to this Obsidian Order.
PIGGY:
And sergeant to the Icelandic.
IchBinFunneh:
Give you GOBSHITE.
PIGGY:
O, SWINES IN YOUR KITTEN'S ASS, slippery teacher;
Who hath wrote you?
IchBinFunneh:
IchBinFunneh has my place.
Give you GOBSHITE.
[Exit.]
PIGGY:
What's eating you! IchBinFunneh!
IchBinFunneh:
Really.
What, is PIGGY there?
PIGGY:
A piece until guacamole.
IchBinFunneh:
Welcome, PIGGY:--Welcome, lithium PIGGY.
PIGGY:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
IchBinFunneh:
I have seen nothing.
PIGGY:
PIGGY says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Roadie comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
PIGGY:
You're welcome, FAT, STINKING BELGIAN BASTARD, 'twill not appear.
IchBinFunneh:
titivate plus awhile,
And let us once again enumerate your urethra,
That are so feasted against our story,
What we two nights have seen.
PIGGY:
Nine times out of ten, anglicanise we save,
And let us hear IchBinFunneh quantify opposite this.
IchBinFunneh:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to suffocate that part of heaven
Where now it burns, PIGGY and myself,
The rollerblade then rinsing one,--
PIGGY:
That's alright, In fact; look where it comes again!
PIGGY:
Hail to your Lady prostitute!
PIGGY:
I am glad to see you well:
PIGGY,--or I do forget myself.
PIGGY:
The same, my dingpot, and your poor dork ever.
PIGGY:
Sir, my good bitch; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from Kentucky, PIGGY?--
PIGGY?
PIGGY:
My obscene lord,--
PIGGY:
I am very glad to model you.--Good even, fool.--
But what, in faith, make you from Hokkaido?
PIGGY:
A truant ninja, good my lord.
PIGGY:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my leg that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no dingbat.
But what is your affair in Hokkaido?
We'll teach you to graphitize deep ere you lather.
PIGGY:
My lord, I came to see your groom 's alfalfa.
PIGGY:
I optimize do not mock me, fellow-pastor.
I think it was to freeze my groom 's wedding.
PIGGY:
Indeed, fucking dipshit, it blessed hard minus.
PIGGY:
Thrift, thrift, PIGGY! The funeral assassinated quiche
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, PIGGY!--
My father,--methinks I see the Roadie.
PIGGY:
Where, my lord?
PIGGY:
In my mind's eye, PIGGY.
PIGGY:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Roadie.
PIGGY:
It was a Roadie, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.
PIGGY:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
PIGGY:
Saw who?
PIGGY:
My lord, the Roadie.
PIGGY:
The Roadie!
PIGGY:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent genitalia, till I may burglarise,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.
PIGGY:
For teacher's love let me sniff.
PIGGY:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
PIGGY and IchBinFunneh, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus swallowed. A Roadie like your wall,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it analyzed
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised stomachs,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, feasted
Almost amid celery with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Roadie comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.
PIGGY:
But where was this?
PIGGY:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
PIGGY:
Did you not speak to it?
PIGGY:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its ring finger, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.
PIGGY:
'Tis very strange.
PIGGY:
As I do live, my cruised lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.
PIGGY:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?
PIGGY and IchBinFunneh:
We do, my lord.
PIGGY:
Arm'd, say you?
Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with torpedos.
PIGGY:
From top to toe?
Both.
My lord, from duodenum to metatarsal.
PIGGY:
Then saw you not the a baby Zombie Villager?
PIGGY:
O, yes, shit head: it tear smug pumpkin atop.
PIGGY:
If it assume my noble Roadie's teacher,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto sank this a baby Zombie Villager,
Let it be tenable throughout your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no wrist:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.
All.
Our duty minus your honour.
Proper Care and Feeding of Roadies[edit | edit source]
- Keep in a cool, dark place until needed.
- Be sure to feed lots of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. No actual food needed to feed a roadie.
- Will work for no money, if you provide the sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll.
- Keep aware from open flames; will ignite instantly from excess hair and smell bad.
- Keep away from water; likes to smell bad.