Richard & Judy
This article may be Overly British
“Shut it Judy, you'll only make a fool of yourself.”
“Richard and Judy, not to be confused with punch and Judy or even Richard punches Judy.”
Richard 'Three Times A Night' Madely and Judy 'Judith Fuck Me Harder' Finnigan are married co-stars of the Channel 4 televisual show Richard and Judy. They met in 1990 on the first 'this morning' where some producer said "..we have this here new show about a married couple, lol, so, Richard, you marry Judy, and then you talk on television about stuff, and there will be sexual tension and the middle aged house wives will love it and it will make us all very very rich." and Richard said 'ok' and thus a beautiful partnership was born, when they were flown to Las Vegas for a quick wedding courtesy of Ali G, who also ordained their marriage, as he was pope at the time. For many years all went well on this morning, and Judy won the nobel prize for her captivating documentary on tampon disease, which kills half of women. But then Phil and Fern, two cunts from east london decided that Richard and Judy didn't deserve their prestigious position on 'this morning' and so they knee capped Judy's mother until they pair were forced to agree to resign as dictators of 'this morning'. Luckily channel four loved them and gave them their own show which was inventively called 'Richard and Judy, after the original title of 'Sexy time with Finnigan and Madely' was rejected for not being sexy enough.
Judy was born in 1664, the daughter of Oliver Jameson (a young cockney lad who denied his upper class background) however he abandoned her and she was found in a bin 6 years-later by Cilla Black who was currently travelling the universe after having invented time travel. Cilla Black brought Judy into the future and left her in 1974 where she was to be raised by the ghost of anne frank in a pent house in switzerland. The ghost of anne frank taught Judy many things, such as why Nazi's are bad and also that you must first peel an orange before you eat it, or insert it. The ghost of anne frank said that Judy was her best pupil, and she had taught many pupils such as bill from kill bill and all of the Teletubbies. However anne frank soon died of a hernia and so Judy had to fend for herself in the forests. When she was 19 she moved to the city to fulfil her life long ambition of being a prostitute. She was very successful and had many clients who were attracted by her inventive ways of using fruits for various things that your not meant to use fruits for. Such as vaginal insertion. Two years later she is first seen by a channel four man when she is in a prestigious place getting an award for 'most amounts of fruits fitted into one vagina at the one time'. The man who gave her the award was very impressed and said 'they say you should aim for five a day, well Judy, you've certainly exceeded everyones expectations on that front. You have a whole weeks worth up there!'
The channel four man was impressed and so he kidnapped her and brought her back to channel four land where she lived in a basement for six years until eventually she was let out for to do this morning.
Most importantly, Judy once had a cat named Oliver. But terrible things happened to Oliver. It was kidnapped by space pirates and this made Judy very sad. So she rang up her old friend Cilla Black who took her out on a journey through time and space to find Oliver. However Oliver had become president of kitten world and was very happy and so, although it broke Judy's heart, she had to accept the truth. She parted with Oliver forever. Luckily she always knew her good friend Cilla would always stand by her.
Hitler had this to say about Richard in his letter sent in to channel four.
"He is boring! Booo! Tell him he bullies Judy and it's not very nice. And seeing as i killed many people, then this clearly shows what a heartless cunt Richard is. PS. I would like to see more anti-semitism on the show if possible. God Bless, Hitler xoxo"
Richard was born in 1924 but is in fact 30 years younger than Judy. He was raised by the same space pirates that stole Oliver, although Judy doesn't know this. He was brought back to earth the night before this morning started. He immediately went to a strip bar where he met the channel four man, who was congratulating his daughter on becoming a fully qualified stripper/prostitute. He offered Richard the job because he said that Richard had nice shiny eyes. The sort of eyes that he would like to see on Television. Richard however was not happy about the whole affair as he said that Judy's breasts were too much like goats feet and they repulsed him. However after six years in therapy he learned to find goats feet a very sexually arousing thing. This caused problems when he became addicted to goat feet porn but Judy got over it because she had secret lust for pigeons. Richard is a professional shoplifter, particularly when it comes to swiping the odd bottle of Champagne. Oh, wait...he was caught. Not so much of a professional then. Never mind.
Richard and Judy decided that
"Middle aged women can't decide what books to read themselves. If left alone they will spend eternity reading the sides of Frosties boxes, so we need to intervene and make sure that Waterstone's has only two sections. The richard and judy section, and the not richard and judy section, aka that shelf in the corner that nobody goes too"
And so it became a fact of life that if Richard and Judy hadn't read it then nobody ever could. The book club recommended many titles, the most popular of which were;
- Mein Kampf - Hitler
- My Life As A Whore - Cilla Black
- I Spent My Life On My Knees - Paul O'Grady
- The God Delusion - That Man Who Was Right
- The Bible - God (They advertised as a comedy)
- Pigeons! The Sexy Bird! - Kerry Katona
- Sex With Judy - Judy's Dad
- Phil And Fern: Those Dirty Whore Bags With The Wrong Gender Parts: Richard Madely and Judy Finnigan
- My Battle With Wood Worm - Heather Mills
- You're Scum! - Jeremy Kyle
- You're Even Scummier Than Scum Itself Added To More Scum - Jeremy Kyle
- KKK All The Way - Ainsley Harriot
- I Love Kittens - Stalin
- My Beard and Me - Jeremy Beadle
As Richard and Judy are both raging alcoholics they were given a section to talk about wine. It was an idea developed by Judy in order to get pissed before 6pm, regardless as to whether she was live on air or not. Originally they suggested 'Whiskey, Gin, Vodka, Absinth and Rum" club but it was rejected as the original idea consisted only of Richard and Judy getting very drunk and then beating each other and then having violent make up sex live on air. The wine club however, was pretty much the same thing, except they got to look sophisticated by swirling their wine and saying big words like "shiraz" first. Also Richard is stupid, thinking the Wine Club was entitled 'Whine Club' where he and Judy just a moan about things they disliked (such as democracy and caramac). It was only when Judy produced a bottle of Jacob's Creek and started pouring it into a pint glass that Richard finally twigged.
Cilla Black kindly told Judy her future in 1773 when they went back in time for a fun sexy trip. In the future Judy will divorce Richard and become spokeswoman for Whiskas. This will involve the production of a string of sexy adverts where Judy entices kittens by putting Whiskas in her vagina. She will then control her army of kittens with telekinesis and take over the world. Meanwhile Richard will die of stupid disease, a new disease that is discovered by Jeremy kyle. He wanted to name it 'scum disease' but this was rejected as he had already named several diseases this.