Project Wingman

Project Wingman
Project (Wing)man
Developer(s)	schizophrenics who played ace combat zero
Publisher(s)	humble something
Platform(s)	PC and maybe console idk
Release	the dark ages of COVID-19
Genre	Mental Illness

"In a world where Yellowstone National Park has had enough..."

~Max0r

Project Wingman is a jet-centric game seemingly inspired by Ace Combat (but in reality, inspired by schizophrenia), following the main character, Monarch, through California and its war for independence against the Mongol-Japanese-Russian Khagnate-Federation. The game was released in the dark ages and was received well by its players, probably selling like a million copies. I don't know, I'm terrible at math. Why ask me?

Plot

JACK SPARROWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

So basically a long long time ago (literally 400 years ago), Yellowstone National Park seriously actually had enough. It went kaboom, and so did literally the entire Rocky Mountain range somehow. This created the hyperautistic resource called Cordium, which basically gave everyone along the Pacific free energy. Also bombs. Centuries later and after the Australian incident where a bunch of mercenaries got killed, the Sicario mercenary corps is fighting Jack Sparrow or something in Louisiana, and decides to abandon their fight after hearing about more money in Cascadia over on the disgusting West coast. Our main character, Hitman 1/Monarch (okay we're just calling him Monarch), accompanies them, leading Hitman team into Cascadia and encountering the fucking antichrist, the Pacific Federation. However, since Monarch is the world's first bloodless human and hence somehow suffers "zero side effects" from the Jupiter-strength G-Forces he should experience, he shoots down everyone, allowing Sicario to enter Cascadia. Also Monarch bombs the UN for trying to take over a winery. After that happens, they embark off into Alaska and bomb helpless UN soldiers guarding some random airbase, allowing Sicario to take it. And then we are forced to watch as Los Angeles (ok they call it presidia but its just LA) is obliterated or something. In the words of Max0r, "Oh no! The horror!" And then, of course, Cascadia bombs their own resources. A fucker called Crimson 1 sees Monarch doing this and gets mad and calls up his friend group to kill you, but of course, Monarch beats his ass.. Also Monarch helps a bunch of Cascadian dudes steal the UN's most advanced battleship (which they promptly rename the Eminent Domain). Next up on the to-do list: bomb helpless Federation soldiers guarding AT&T HQ. And then Sicario bombs AT&T HQ, and then all the sudden, an actually important thing happens: mission 11, where basically a Federation transport aircraft was intercepted by Cascadia & Mercenaries or something. The interception was intercepted. This repeats for literally 9 hours until every single aircraft on that side of the world is shooting things and each other. But wait, it gets worse, because Crimson 1, still mad Monarch beat his friend's ass, arrives, but he's late. Like really late. Like almost the entire Federation air force got vaporized by the time he got there. Anyways, Monarch and "most" of Sicario beat his ass again. Returning to that place in Alaska they yoinked, Hitman Team goes to the giant ocean left by Yellowstone going kaput and bombs a French woman's oil rig. The French woman then boards her super-aircraft, which Monarch kaputs because he's the main character. Let's look back up on our to-do list!

its very very important monarch gets the boat

• bomb pearl harbor: check
• kill more federation fucks in a forest fire: check
• buy more planes: check

Hooray! The war is almost won. All that's left before retaking LA is retaking Seattle (they call it prospero but that's a weird name).

However, remember when I said Cordium was used to make some bombs?

Mid-battle, the UN deploys their cordium nukes because they're mad they're losing. This sets off a chain reaction detonating all the cordium in Cascadia.

These fuckers just started an entire apocalypse.

As Hitman goes back to Alaska in a panic, they are intercepted by the French woman again. However, she is shot down and this time has no ground or ocean to even land on, so she dies.

There, an insufferable person I no longer wish to hear yap convinces Sicario to stay and kill more helpless UN peacekeepers.

"you solely are totally responsible for me nuking Los Angeles" -crimson 1

So after bombing a random bird observatory (I think?), Sicario finally flies over Seattle, preparing to give Cascadians the all clear to move in and secure the city. Crimson team sees them doing this and gets mad. Hence, you beat his ass again (but only after one of your allies loses his shit over crimson 1 talking). So after that, you kind of bomb a bunch of ships so everyone in LA starves to death or something.

After that, you and all of Cascadia and Sicario and probably God begin the final push to retake LA. After a long, hard, battle, the war is finally won. However, the music starts to pick up pace, and suddenly Crimson 1 appears with the super-super-aircraft (yes its more super than the French woman's super aircraft) and drops ANOTHER cordium nuke, which somehow fails to kill Monarch. Despite him throwing literally 50 railguns a second at Monarch, 1,200 missiles per minute, and force fields that of course turn into railguns, Monarch beats his ass.

I guess one could truly call this a... Project Wingman.

uhhh slava pacific federation or whatever

the "good" guys DLC: Frontline 59

So basically, this one is where you play as the UN.

Directly after Mission 11, you, a random Federation reservist, are activated to go stop mercenaries from invading Magadan, which you, much to everyone's surprise, actually do. However, that's only 1 mission, and there's supposed to be 6. This means you have something to actually do, and that is indiscriminately bomb the Cascadian invasion force at Anadyr or something. I don't think it's actually called Anadyr in the game, but I don't care, it's Anadyr. So after that you go escort a bunch of bombers where there's the most Cascadian divisions, despite literally doing most of their job for them. So that's 3 missions. I think there's supposed to be about...6 or 7, so now it's time for the fourth mission, which is a tunnel run. Basically someone joked you could fly a plane through the giant underground Highway that just so happens to be connected to Cascadia's main encampment, so you fly through it and bomb the shit out of them. Despite your WSO screaming at you about how you did NOT need to bring her for this, you do it anyways, and totally don't crash 3 times before finishing the mission. So with the Cascadians on the run, you go bomb them. Again. But this time they're escaping, and General Faust (who was commanding the cascadians here) and another Cascadian general yell slurs at each other or something until Faust just packs up and leaves her command post mid-battle. Whatever, means you get to bomb even more people. Also it turns out the Cascadians destroyed all the cordium-extracting facilities in Magadan (except one).

mission 6: fuck airships and faust

"Reload everything, here comes the big one!"

- Federation Officer (Provisional)

(or maybe he said reload main battery, I forgot)

So basically the Federation has found Faust, but she has a whole ass airship fleet and the single largest airship on the planet, armed with like 50 SAMs and flak that actually does something only because its spicier than normal, and they're gonna blow up the last cordium-extracting facility in Magadan. So you go to intercept it with your other reservists, shooting down some mercenaries along the way. Arriving even close to the fuckass airship, you immediately hear Faust's schizo ranting about how Cascadia is awesome and how you should burn in Hell or something, but you're epic or something and annihilate her stupid airship, and then her mercenary fighters, and then her fuckass airship blows up. Anyways you fly dramatically off into the sun or whatever after seeing some cruise missiles or something.

conquest mode

Basically in this one you go hire people to fight with you or whatever. I dunno. Apparently you kill airships at the end.

schizophrenia (gameplay)

Yeah, nice plot, right? There's also gameplay, because it turns out this isn't a book. The gameplay includes difficulties, ranging from Easy (nothing happens and you just obliterate everything) to Mercenary (91 HEAT SEEKING MISSILES ALL AROUND US 30 PURSUING AIRCRAFT WHAT THE FUCK).

planes (also known as schizo engineering projects that never came to be in real life because of money)

beautiful plane right guys

So there's a lot of planes. I'll list some below because I'm actually LaziBum4.

• Chimera
• Project Wingman
• VX-uhhhhh I forgot
• leetspeak for spear I think
• uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
• f/d-i forgot number again
• acciparmpit
• dolphins?

alright I think I'm kind of developing dementia from this

so many tools to defeat the antichrist

the force of evil!!!

So, there are many ways to bomb helpless Federation soldiers with your funky aircraft, including, but mostly limited to, missiles. A lot of them.

the missile knows where it is at all times

• STDM (universal destruction)
• HVsomething (fast destruction)
• HISM (big boom)
• MLAA (many booms)
• BML-U (many mini-booms)
• uhhhhhhhhhhhh I dunno dolphins I think?
• MLAG (ground destruction)
• RG (its literally a railgun but mister AWACS here says missile away when I shoot it anyways)
• yeah that's it

booms

• unguided bomb (it misses)
• unguided bomb - large (it also misses)
• a literal nuke (it doesn't miss but this can only be used in the mildly more schizophrenic gameplay mode)

Now, this may sound like a bunch of nonsense, but in reality, all of these are simply dwarfed in comparison to what I can do with a gun.

Yes, a gun outclasses actual explosives.

This shit is just a death ray.

resorting to violence as a means to solve international disputes

• HGP (explosive gun???)
• MGP (normal gun???)
• rapid something GP (what the fuck)
• canister gp (they gave the plane a shotgun)

Now, because it turns out that bullets cannot be dodged, guns are the best way to kill anything in this game.

actually destroying thnings

uhhh so here's the gameplay step by step

1. fly towards the sea anemone
2. launch a missile
3. miss
4. shoot another missile
5. miss
6. get pissed and just use your gun
7. repeat
8. maybe your missiles work sometimes

at least that's how its going as I play on the hardest difficulty possible until

it gets worse for the bosses, which go something like:

1. go mach 2 at the sea anemone
2. fire a missile
3. miss
4. repeat like 30 times until you hit them or something
5. go insane from the railgun cluster fire
6. repeat

list of people that yap throughout the game

• prez (she is the only one that should be talking)
• diplomat (he doesnt like crimson 1's gaslighting i think)
• uh I forgot the third one because I failed to get any sleep last night (I think its a woman)
• AWACS I also forgot his name because I failed to sleep (why does he call railgun a missile)
• german guy

conclusion

so basically this game is so absolutely batshit insane it looped right back around from abysmal dogshit to absolute cinema

so peak vro

schizophrenics ranting section (please don't read this)

missile alert missile alert missile

aircraft damaged

explode california

the Australian Illuminati is on my ass guys they're gonna make me eat the Kool shade

guys California is a government code word for a CIA blacksite in like puerto rico

guys

missisisisisisisisisiles

my name is actually Thomas jeffernefferson and I invented you

missiles

missiles

missiles

missiles

missile missile missile