Pistol Shrimp

Pistol Shrimps Logo / Mascot, Lil Shrimper

The Photo user for the "Demo" Post

INTRODUCTION

We know what you're thinking. What waffle have I stumbled upon? Well, Pistol Shrimp were a young, embarrassing, quite hopeless ragtag group of Scots who thought they could successfully form and keep a band but they went fuckin’ nowhere. Pistol Shrimp was often dubbed the 'worst band ever' and 'Shitebags' by those so unfortunate enough to hear any ounce of noise made by them.

The band consisted of lead guitarist Fuzzy Stables, rhythm guitarist Crazy Max, bassist Thing from the Addams Family, and quite possibly the worst lead singer of all time, Pickleson. Pickleson was known for his bog breath. Some say that he was to foul breath what Tiger Woods was to Golf. At the same time no one ACTUALLY watches that.

HISTORY

After months and months of uneventful and useless practice sessions, the band officially formed on November 30th 2024 with the members previously listed, and everything went downhill from there.

The band posed like massive fucking mongos trying to imitate real bands doing real photoshoots, even using a stupid childrens DJ set to achieve colourful lights. This DJ set was the only joy found within Pistol Shrimp rehearsals. A ‘gram’ account as Stables would call it was made, and an introduction post followed which received largely negative reviews. One commenter even said "I can't wait till you guys fucking die". And instead of giving any informatoon on the post about who the band was or what kind of genre they played, no, they put in the caption fucking "Martin Scorcese Absolute Cinema." What a bunch of tools.

THE "OLD N' GOLD MELODIES" INCIDENT

Shortly after this, the band got to work on what would be quite possibly the worst piece of art to ever be created.

Fuzzy Stables recorded the groundwork for the song on GarageBand, partly the reason why it sounds so shit. Keep in mind, Pistol Shrimp never had a drummer, so all they had to work with was the fucking AI drumkit on garageband, yikes. The song was characterised by an actually pretty decent riff and groove, but the public remembers it for a much different reason. On the day Pickleson recorded his vocals, accounts from Fuzzy and Thing say he was "complete and utterly hopeless." He apparently stayed on his phone the whole session “Trophy Pushing” on the hit mobile Israeli propaganda game Clash Royale, didn't not contribute any melodic or lyrical ideas and never moved his arse off the couch.

It got so bad that the band eventually just had to blurt random noises and words and "find lyrics in the gibberish." And that they did, they certainly did. These lyrics were then recorded by Pickleson (who took many many tries), and they read: "THE OLD AND GOLD MELODIES, GOING SO LOW TO GO AND GET IT. THE AIR IS SO PROMISING BUT NOTHING IS HAPPENING, IT'S DRAGGING AND BORING. YEAH- WEATHERED AND GREEEEEN."

What the fuck does any of that shit even mean, like genuinely everyone in that band is a piece of shite for even thinking of those lyrics. Though there is one positive though, Crazy Max wasn't present during this session and was too busy with warm remarks, and says "I take no responsibility for those fucking words and all the ridicule that came after. They're not my words. They're picklesons."

Somehow it gets even fucking worse. The band then posted it to instagram using the wonderfully shite image you see below the logo. And whatever ounce of a catchy or groovy instrumental was buried under the landslide of shite that was Pickleson's singing.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Nowadays, after Pistol Shrimp's halcyon days, band members such as Crazy Max, & Fuzzy 'Snuggles' Stables have supposedly retreated to Tel Aviv, Israel, to join Kevin Spacey as he takes to the stage with his undoubtably, absolutely average talent of singing & dancing. As for band members like Pickleson, many have cited that this man still roams the streets of Carmyle, Glasgow, shouting at innocent citizens about how he was too good for his band. Kevin, aged 17, reported Pickleson shouted on occasion "AM PICKLESON! REMEMBER THAT NAME! AM GONNY GO FAR IN THIS MUSIC BIZZ"

Additionally, according to students & peers from his "Glory Days" at school, Pickleson was often ridiculed for his talents (Or lack-there-of) in the music game. When he would walk into a class in the music corridor many of the younger students made it a tradition to hurl rotten tomatoes in his direction to remind him of how the whole music industry shunned him. Since then Pickleson has fallen into the hands of addiction, often using his mum's spice to cope with the backlash.